Disney has just released the trailer for their off-again/on-again potential franchise film, The Lone Ranger, and we think they were onto something by cancelling it the first time. God, this looks horrible. I’m getting absolutely scarring flashbacks of Wild Wild West. This movie cost way over $250 million dollars to make. Does the trailer justify the investment? Nope.
Didn’t they learn anything from John Carter? (Yeah, don’t know who/what John Carter is? You shouldn’t. No one went to see it. Disney just lost about $200 million from it. And yet here we are.)
One thing especially should make viewers regret spending a precious 1 minute and 37 seconds watching this trailer instead of checking out this incredible photo of Mitt Romney to get ready for the debates tonight: Johnny Depp as Tonto.
Not only is he wearing a dead bird on his head, but it seems like all he wants to do is fight a train. What is this, Pirates of New Mexico? With sand instead of water? (Seriously, think about Wild Wild West. This trailer makes that movie look Oscar-worthy.) The big reveal is Tonto confirming that they’re going to wear masks? Tell us something we don’t know, Disney, please. Plus I’m pretty sure the word “Kemosabe” means “Man With No Bird On Head” in Cherokee. And you realize that Depp’s wearing enough black and white makeup on his face to make Gene Simmons call him an idiot.
By the end of the clip, you don’t even see the titular character in the trailer, it’s just a bunch of landscapes of the desert and some CGI’d railroad action sequences full of explosions and potential 3D sequences with a kid throwing a bullet. The actual Lone Ranger shows up once at the end, doesn’t say anything, and makes sure we couldn’t care less about this movie.
Remember Deadwood? When Westerns were cool? I do. Now I can only hang my head.