Shocking New Statistic: 74% of British (English) People Don’t Know What a Toothbrush Is!

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(NOTE: Miles Lloyd is our latest Comedy Vertical contributor. He is a Welsh comedian who resides in London. When people see him, the usually scream, “Miiiiiiiiiiiiiles!”)

A shocking new statistic unveiled by the Home Office Today shows how almost THREE QUARTERS of the British (English) population DON’T KNOW what a TOOTHBRUSH is.

“The British (English) smile has forever charmed our friends overseas with wonky, yellowing teeth, and breath that could quite possibly take down a bear – but we were always to believe that this was simply in our genes. We never actually knew that nobody knew about brushing teeth,” said Prof. Rupert Humpledink – head of dentistry at Oxford University. “This might explain why nobody has taken my class in almost six years,” he went on to moan.

This type of hygiene revelation is nothing new to the people of Britain (England). A general consensus in 2006 revealed that 35% of the population of Manchester never learnt how to wipe their bums.

When asked for his opinion on the subject Nick Clegg – leader of the Liberal Democrats managed to take his tongue out of Prime Minister David Cameron‘s ass for just long enough to say: “So? I don’t really care about anyone in this f*cking country. Now if you could leave us alone. We have to do a gay-orgy and think of new ways to run this country into the ground and fake terrorist attacks.”

Mr. Clegg then forgot to hang up his phone properly – and for the next hour he just kept laughing the words “more ketamine!” over the sound of sex and heavy metal.

I went to Buckingham Palace to ask the most important person in the world what could be done about the toothbrush ignorance problem and if there was any way of fixing our nation’s teeth. Unfortunately the Queen wasn’t available (due to a spray tan appointment), but the Duke of Edinburgh had some spare time to  comment. He said: “Why doesn’t anyone ever ask us about the fact we are actually massive Nazis and we only marry family members?”

Regardless of his response, the British (English) remain blissfully oblivious of the toothbrush – as they continue to live in their crusty, yellow-toothed Shangri-La.

Next Week: More on this.

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