Facebook is constantly paving the way in social networking with new features and updates to its look and navigation. Whereas a large group of contenders flooded the social media landscape just 5 years ago, it seems to be dominated by The Book these days. Hell, people’s LIVES are dominated by Facebook. While many people can reconnect with old friends or flames, more times than not users lose their jobs, their girlfriends, and their minds because of their status update, photo album, or wall posts. Don’t get us wrong, Facebook crushes any other social networking tool, but it still has its flaws. Let us count them down for you.
1. Facebook Chat
Facebook’s chat feature is sickeningly slow and prone to drop complete sentences for no apparent reason. Still, people use it. You open, like, three chat boxes and thats the game. Home: 0 Facebook: -4
2. Adored on Facebook, ignored in life
Your friends like your status updates, your wall is full of posts, your photos are littered with comments. But, try making a phone call or text message to any number of these people and you’d think they were ignoring you. Newsflash; THEY ARE.
3. The “Facebook Aloof”
These people can only muster enough energy to post a picture of themselves from 10 years ago. Their comments are slim and mildly encouraging. Their walls are barren. They only have a Facebook account because everyone else does. They are either somebody’s dad, a constant traveller, or they are stalking you, RIGHT NOW.
4. Your Mom’s friend whose just a little too into you
You were hesitant to accept this person, but the guilt got the better of you. As soon as you clicked the accept, the floodgates were opened and your privacy torn asunder. They comment on all your pictures, like all your status updates, plan to attend all your events(although never showing up.) They want to take all sorts of fun pictures with you in real life, which wind up on Facebook the next day. All of which you either untag, or want to. To them, your Facebook is their fountain of youth, and they will drink every last drop.
5. Girls you knew in Grade/Middle School
You shared 2nd grade art period, 5th grade gym class, and 7th grade Geography. Now it’s been 8 years and they’re reconnecting to their past. You may have had a crush on them during your transition through puberty, because they were the first of the bunch to bud, but now they have a kid and are seriously involved with a dude named, Marco, who wears flat-brimmed hats with the sticker still attached. Seriously, what do they want from you?
6. People who reply to messages, on your wall
You wrote them a somewhat personal message, not appropriate for any other medium, which is located in their inbox. Instead of hitting the reply button to reply, they click straight through to your wall. Why not tap the reply button like a normal human being? Is it necessary that all our friends know we are corresponding? These people are also known to have replied on random photos, status updates, and event invites. So cool.
7. Profile Pic Activism
“This week is for World Hunger! Change your profile picture to raise awareness!”
World Hunger is a real concern. So, in order to raise awareness, the trend has become replacing a relevant profile photo, with that of a broadly shared novelty, such as a screenshot of a beloved childhood animation. You’re still going to go out tonight to blow $200 at the bar and slay yourself an underclassman, but your selfless act of using Papa Smurf as your profile picture will have far reaching humanitarian benefits that can only be measured against crushed Coors Light cans and many, many buckets of vomit.
8. Being tagged in terrible pics
They must have known they caught you from a bad angle. They must have. But still, they tagged you. They have it out for you, secretly. Why else would they tag you? I mean, they were looking at the same picture, weren’t they?
9. Solo Cup Pics
Haven’t we come far enough in our immediate generation to be utterly bored of pictures of anybody doing anything while holding the infamous Solo cup? Honestly, put the cup down. Or somebody please invent a Solo cup that’s yellow, or green, or pink. ANYTHING ELSE!
10. “Not Now”
At some point, seemingly overnight, the “Ignore” button became “Not Now.” As if you really needed some time to weigh the pros and cons of accepting a person as your friend. All I ask is that an additional button be placed next to “Not Now.” How about; Accept, Not Now, Not Ever.
11. Abusing the status update
It’s not a Twitter account, poetry slam, existential sounding board, or political soapbox. It’s a Facebook status. If it’s not funny, about your physical/mental health, sociological classification, or geographical location, it’s probably not your status. It’s probably an abuse situation. Somebody once said, “Less is more.” Whether or not they said it before the internet was invented has baffled scientists since…whenever it was Al Gore created the internet.
12. Friending your Family
As if having their blood coursing through your veins wasn’t enough, you’re also Facebook Friends. Which means they are closer then ever before, up to their chins in the life you never meant for them to be a part of. Who would have thought the biggest cockblockers would be so close to home?
13. Getting warned about posting “Obscene Content”
Whether your 17 year-old sister pantomiming the “Eiffel Tower” with two drunk highschool football players is more obscene than pasting your face over Jessica Alba’s Ass Pose pic is all a matter of opinion. Facebook’s opinion.
14. Underage friends
Yeah, Facebook is for everybody, even the doughy brained youngin’s that look up to you as a role model. All the more reason to hate the fact they can flip through your photos and truly know what a alcoholic, hedonistic, self destructive monster you are. The moment they see you chugging a bottle of tequila is the moment you HAVE to unfriend them, for their sake, for the sake of their fragile little minds, and the second you do unfrend them, getting warned about Obscene Content will cease, completely.
15. People who “Like” their own comments
It’s funny, but shut up, man.
16. Friend Requests from people you met 4 hours ago.
You may have hit it off over a couple rounds of Stella and danced to Nelly, but when you finally got back home and find that request waiting, why do you feel so dirty?
17. People You May Know
Seriously, 9 times out of 10, I have no f*cking idea who any of those people are. Am I the only one?
18. Employers who seek out your Facebook
Simply put, it’s not playing fair. They don’t have a Company website touting party photos of the womanizing CEO, raging alcoholic Sales Rep, or the guy in charge or hiring you, rolled up dollar bill in hand and a strange intensity behind his bloodshot eyes. Why should they hold all the cards?
19. One-sided Facebook friendships
This person will never take an interest in anything you do, unless it involves them. They will only like a picture if they are in it, comment on your wall as a reply, and never message you. Why are they your Facebook friend in the first place? Don’t take it personally, they probably think you’re a dick too.
20. Relationship Status: It’s Complicated
Why is it complicated? It’s complicated…because you’re f*cking married? Have unresolved daddy issues? Am an inept womanizer? The only legitimate answer to this question is, it’s complicated because the divorce proceedings you are involved in are not moving along as quickly as you’d like, in which case, YOU’RE F*CKING SINGLE!
21. Deleting/Deleted Comments
Initially, I’m not so annoyed by this. What does bother me, is replying to a comment, having a back and forth with the commenter, coming out morally superior only to find that the offender has deleted the catalyst comment(s) leaving only the ramblings of a self important lunatic.
22. Silent Unfriendings
You reached that monumental 300 friends last night. This morning you awoke to find your count at 299. The mystery of who it is that deleted you will haunt you until you figure it out. So begins your own private detective novel.
23. Girls taking pouty faced pictures of themselves
We’ll never be free from these girls. Somehow, they think they’re twice as attractive with this face. When digital cameras came out, so did the lips. I thought it was just a phase, now I know the awful truth. Just to keep from losing my mind, I imagine they’ve just popped a few yellow Sour Patch Kids just before they snapped the pic. Either that or the sour taste of their own self image has forever pickled their palette. Gentlemen, if you ever find yourself about to be in a picture with one of these girls, it is your civic duty to bomb it.
24. People who live and breath Facebook
There are some people that has been completely mutilated by Facebook. It has become their primary avenue of communication. They live for the thrill of the tagged photo and the Event RSVP. They fall into at least 5 of the already addressed categories. Fear this person. They are regressing socially. It’s only a matter of time before they are a sputtering, unintelligible, infantile sociopath. What’s most annoying about this person is the fact that you probably shared something significant at some point, but their addiction to Facebook has destroyed any chance of real intimacy.
They cost money and you get nothing. That is NOT a gift. And if you think it is, you’re crazy. And if you’ve payed for one, you’re certifiably insane. With all the world hunger, don’t you think your money is better spent elsewhere?