With medical marijuana becoming increasingly popular and easier to get, the illicit pot dealer is gradually going the way of the pager and the video store. But, still, it’ll be a long time before he is totally irrelevant. After all, medical marijuana clinics aren’t open at four in the morning, and don’t cater to healthy people. As long as there has been pot, there have been shady dudes willing to sell it. Here are the 6 types of pot dealers you’ll meet.
The Schwag King
First of all, I’ve never understood why the word “schwag” means both sh!tty marijuana AND cool stuff you get for free. Schwag – the marijuana – is the kind of weed you get when you have no other option. It’s certainly not the kind of thing you’d give away in a gift basket. Anyway, the Schway King, as we’ll call him, is the pot dealer you go to when you know no one else. His weed is brown, twiggy and packed so tightly you have to wonder if he smuggled it into the country inside his own body – but its cheap and, like we said, available. Just try not to be at The Schwag King’s house when his parents are home.
The Crazy Careful Guy
Weed may make you paranoid, but this type of dealer takes it to a whole new level. Crazy Careful Guy firmly believes he’s a main character on The Wire, and that teams of cops are watching his every move, just waiting for him to make a mistake. As a result, all your phone calls with this guy are riddled with ridiculous code words – discussions about how many “CDs” or “doughnuts” you want. Each meeting involves at least two locations, and nothing is ever remotely straightforward. Unless this guy really is a drug kingpin (and he isn’t) his paranoia is based on nothing more than too much pot-smoking.
The Party Animal
On the opposite end of the spectrum, there’s the Party Animal: a guy so constantly loud, wasted and obvious that he might as well hawk his wares right outside of a police station. Typically found in a dorm room, or a frat house, this guy is known as The Guy even to people who’ve never met him. Brave either due to his family’s money, or his constant state of intoxication, The Party Animal will sell to anyone, anytime. While it might be great to be around him – after all, there’s usually a party surrounding him – it’s best not to get too far into his inner circle. Unfortunately, for a dealer this obvious, it’s only a matter of time before the party gets shut down for good.
Mr. High and Mighty
Hey, we all like good weed – but this guy takes it too far. While it’s fine (and recommended) to know a bit about the strain you’re smoking, there’s no need to be a know-it-all and a snob. Mr. High and Mighty only holds the best, and he lets you know it, ad nauseam. Dropping more ridiculous names than the roster of the Justice League, Mr. High and Mighty lives to remind you how much more he knows about weed than you do. Unfortunately, lots of his info could be B.S. – and even if it isn’t, you constantly have to deal with a dealer who typically has nothing to deal, always saying that “there’s nothing worth buying” on the market right now.
Here’s a tip: The guy selling you a quarter bag is not big-time. Big time drug dealers don’t want you to even know their names, much less meet them for a $100 transaction. Yet there are still tons of dealers out there who think a few bags of weed has turned them into Tony Montana. You know the guys – always making vague, but frequent, references to mysterious connections. The guys who dress flashy, and who may or may not own a gun (!).
Some people sell weed because they want to make money, some sell because they love weed, and still others – like this guy – get into dealing because, without it, they feel powerless and unimportant.
The Guy is the guy all the other dealers want to be. Dependable, normal and business-like. This is the guy who returns your calls right away, who shows up at your house with the weed, who charges the same prices every time. He doesn’t like to meet people and he won’t sell to just anyone, but if you get in with this Guy that’s a connection to hold onto. All he asks is that you don’t spread his name all around town, and don’t ask him a lot of questions. The Guy is dealing done right.
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