Today is National Eat What You Want Day. George Washington invented this day right after he kicked the British out for having awful accents and bad teeth so that Americans could enjoy as much junk food as they want. I plan on celebrating by eating a Big Mac, Doubling Down at KFC and then finishing it off with a Doritos Taco from T-Bell. The following people, though, are true patriots. To them, every day is Eat What You Want Day. So let’s celebrate today’s patriots eating the weirdest f*cking things on this planet.
Josh Eats Glass. Yes, Glass.
Josh lives in Wooster, OH and likes to eat glass. Yes, the same broken glass that you’re afraid to pick up with your hands Josh is putting into his mouth, chewing, and swallowing. He’s a champion. The only advice I could hazard giving Josh is maybe stick to the light bulbs and champagne glasses; breaking and eating the mirrors in your house has indirectly caused him to have a weird haircut. On the other hand, eating the mirrors are a good idea because Josh’s girlfriend doesn’t realize how much better looking she is than him. Good thinking Josh!
Bianca Enjoys Every Part of Cigarettes
Bianca used to enjoy pottery, but she’s soooo past that fad. She’s moved on to the next craze (emphasis on craze) which is eating cigarette ashes. While the rest of America is intent on smoking their cigarette and littering their ash everywhere, Bianca’s doing the earth a favor and ingesting those harmful chemicals herself. Go Earth! Her evil sister tries to stop her from saving the world but Bianca is ready to withstand nearly all malignant forces. I’m just not sure I’d be able to withstand her breath.
Cleanliness is Next to Godliness.
Crystal is so obsessed with setting a good clean example for her daughter that she eats Comet. Just by looking at her face you can tell she’s about the cleanest woman in the entire world. That has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she’s probably the only woman who eats cleaning solution.
Kesha is Much Better Than Ke$ha
is addicted chooses to enjoy eating toilet paper. This thrifty little minx has ingeniously realized that she only needs to shop in one aisle at the grocery store. She can even enjoy herself in the movie theaters when she eats it like popcorn. America, watch closely. We could have avoided our massive financial collapse if we supported the paper industry and cut unnecessary spending. I’m still a little perplexed as why she calls it ’tissue’ though, as she’s obviously eating toilet paper which is usually used for wiping away feces from one’s b*tthole.
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