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15 High Calorie Meals That Are Hard-To-Swallow

Cheeseburger in paradise; Makin’ the best of every virtue and vice; Worth every damn bit of sacrifice; To get a cheeseburger in paradise – Jimmy Buffett

The man has a point. Unhealthy foods might be more harmful to your insides than going shopping with Lindsay Lohan but it is just too tempting to pass up. Why worry about calories when the food you are eating tastes like you are sitting on the beach in the middle of the summer? Sometimes, it’s good to be bad and to grab the tasty food over the healthy crap being shoved down our throats everyday. If you are willing to jump off the deep end and grab an unhealthy meal, here’s a list of the worst possible options.

15.  Five Guys Large Fries

1464 Calories, 71 g Fat, 213 mg Sodium

Whenever an order of french fries can replace the calorie intake of an entire meal, you might want to take a few steps back and think about this one. How can anyone take down ONE order of french fries with that many calories floating around? That is insane. Just wait until you add the ketchup, soda, and a burger. Then you have a lunch around 2500 calories and who knows how many grams of fat. WOW!

14. Nathan’s Fish and Chips

1516 Calories, 95 g Fat, 156 g Carbohydrates

What happened to fish being healthy? I was taught that eating fish is always a better move than cramming down a cheeseburger from McDonald’s. However, after taking a look at the menu over at Nathan’s, world-famous for their frankfurters or hot dogs as we all call them, found a way to turn fish into a calorie pleasing meal for anyone looking for a quick trip to the funeral home.

13. Carl’s Jr. Six Dollar Burger

1520 Calories, 111 g Fat, 2760 mg Sodium

The perfect food to eat when you just plain do not give a crap about sweating your ass off in the heat. Imagine eating one of these mammoths burgers and then heading out to the ballpark to watch a baseball game in 101 degree heat. The only good that can come from that deadly combination, you sweat off enough calories to make room for the next monster on my list.

12. Lonestar 20 oz T-Bone Steak

1540 Calories, 124 g Fat, 280 mg Sodium

A classic T-Bone steak from Lonestar is the beast from the Southwest. This 20 ounce monstrosity makes the Six Dollar burger from Carl’s Jr look like childs play even though it only has a few more calories. This sucker is bigger than the state of Texas and just might make you feel worthy of calling yourself a real man after consuming this beast.

11. Bob Evans Stacked and Stuffed Caramel Banana Pecan Pancakes

1543 Calories, 77 g Fat, 2259 mg Sodium

Nothing tastes better than stuffed pancakes after a night of drinking. The only issue with eating something like this, you have to make sure not to have eaten anything else that day or you will be using up your daily calorie intake four hours after midnight. Good news is, after a night of drinking mixed with some late night grub, you probably will not be waking up until that evening anyways. So grub it up.

10. PF Chang’s Pork Lo Mein

1820 Calories, 127 g Fat

I thought Chinese food was supposed to be healthy or at least less filling than the Pork Lo Mein from P.F. Chang’s. How can you be hungry an hour later after taking in almost 2,000 calories of pure awesomeness? I guess a Chinese restaurant chain started in Scottsdale, Arizona is not your typical “authentic” chinese food.

9. Chili’s Awesome Blossom

2130 Calories, 213 g Fat, 1320 mg Sodium

I was hesitant including the Awesome Blossom from Chili’s for a few reasons; 1) Michael Scott made me love to order it anytime I went to a Chili’s restaurant and 2) IT HAS THE WORD AWESOME IN IT! You rarely see a food item with such an ego that it claims to be awesome in its title. This one should be on the list of food that we all should eat. I do not care how healthy you are, this food rocks!

8. Chili’s Jalapeno Smokehouse Burger

2160 Calories, 138 g Fat, 6450 mg Sodium, 132 g Carbohydrates

Chili’s is a healthy place to eat…NOT! The Jalapeno Smokehouse burger will send your arteries screaming for you to stop. This massive heart attack on buns is the second Chili’s menu item to join the list of foods you probably would order as you head to your final meal on death row. Why else would you even muster the courage to down this much food in one sitting? Are you trying to prove anything to yourself? The only thing you can prove is that you know how to attack your heart like a champ.

7. Claim Jumper’s Beef Baby Back Ribs

2250 Calories, 188 g Fat, 4310 mg Sodium, 62 g Carbohydrates

I was hoping for the trifecta from Chili’s but Claim Jumpers took this spot with their Beef Baby Back Ribs. Those things are huge, to say the least, but they also can clean your insides with one easy sitting. Having trouble using the restroom? No problem with this colon cleanser. That might be graphic but maybe you should give it a shot before doubting its’ epic power.

6. UNO Chicago Grill Classic Deep Dish Pizza

2310 Calories, 162 g Fat, 4470 mg Sodium

Chicago is enjoying some good times right now. The Bulls are winning, the Cubs are being the Cubs, and the Blackhawks just finished up a pretty good season almost upsetting the Canucks of Vancouver in the first round of the NHL playoffs. So where should Chicago natives go to celebrate? Anywhere, including UNO Chicago Grill, as long as you do not order the Classic Deep Dish Pizza to eat by yourself.

5. UNO Chicago Grill Pizza Skins

2400 Calories, 155 g Fat, 3600 mg Sodium

Those same Chicago natives that just finished there pizza, better not reach for the skins. How can an appetizer have more calories than an entrée? It sounds just plain wrong. Something like this would make Jenny Craig reach for a shotgun.

4. Chevy’s Fresh Mex Sampler

2560 Calories, 139 g Fat, 4130 mg Sodium, 179 g Carbohydrates

An appetizer with enough calories to cure an Ethiopian family for years? I should leave it at that and move on…NEXT!

3. Baskin Robbins Oreo Shake

2600 Calories, 135 g Fat, 1700 mg Sodium

Ice Cream? Really? Of course a dessert would make a list of high calorie meals. However, I had no choice but to include this tasty treat from Baskin Robbins. It has 500 more calories than any other dessert I could find across the country including the Chocolate Stampede from Lonestar which is a life-size piece of chocolate cake with chocolate icing, whip cream, caramel fudge, and ice cream topped all over it.

2. Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries

2710 Calories, 203 g Fat, 6360 mg Sodium

Holy Santa Claus S**t! I have seen the Grand Canyon, been to Las Vegas, swam with sharks in San Diego, and got lost in Tempe, AZ. But I have never seen or heard of anything having so much freaking sodium. That is a death wish for anyone with high blood pressure. This meal should not exist in the United States.

1. On The Border Stacked Nachos

2740 Calories, 166 g Fat, 5280 mg Sodium

This is not a list of reasons to stop eating, it is just for fun. That being said, if you order Stacked Nachos from On the Border knowing that you are taking in almost 3,000 calories and around 2.5 times the daily recommend intake of sodium, that is all on you and your heart. Good luck with that.

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  • Thomas - LSUCOED Writer