Top 10 Most Offensively Funny Euphemisms for Vagina

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Photo by Jonathan Storey, Stone+

Photo by Jonathan Storey, Stone+

Euphemisms are supposed to be less offensive expressions for potentially objectionable words. Sometimes, though, the euphemism sounds just as bad, if not worse, as the dirty word itself. In the case of “vagina”, we found some real wieners… sorry, winners. Here are 10 words you should probably avoid when dishing out the dirty talk lest you want a knuckle sandwich in the kisser.

1) Fur Burger

Prevalent among tree-huggers and hippies, the fur burger has a high potential to leave you dry-heaving harder than a cat with a hairball.

2) Flesh Cavern

Spelunkers beware, these cavernous vagina’s have plenty of dark places for ghouls and bats to hide.

3) Hatchet Wound (or Gash)

Sexual and violent. Wounds and gashes are disgusting, so referring to a lady’s delicate part as a bloody laceration will most likely end in a laceration. But, out of all the code names for the cooch, this could be the closest to accurate. It DOES bleed after all.

4) Beef Curtains (or Meat Flaps)

Dudes love meat, but some cuts are just better than others. Would you prefer a nice filet mignon or withered strips of beef jerky? Think it’s not a big deal? Google “beef curtains” with safesearch off. Your mind will shoot out the back of your skull. How do lips get like that? Scratch that, I don’t want to know.

5) Bald Guy in a Rowboat (or Man in the Boat)

Virgins and the inexperienced have probably never encountered one of these, but it’s okay. All in due time.

6) Pink Taco

Not only is this a classy restaurant chain, it’s a fairly popular line of merchandise. Girls love pink so this might be the least offensive item on our list. However, tacos have taken a real hit since the Taco Bell mystery meat scandal.

7) Penis Cozy

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

8) Squish Mitten

This one’s on par with the penis cozy. Mittens are cute but squish is debatable. Lots of aunts and grandmas love a good squishy face, but more times than not this will make a girl feel super self conscious.

9) Meat Wallet

Again, meat isn’t for most women. They love fish, fruits, veggies, etc. And wallets? I think Lady Gaga might be the only person appreciating this nickname.

10) Fish Barrel

Just as warm, inviting, and smelly as it sounds.

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