Top 5 Historical 420 Buzzkills
April 20th, better known as 420, is a day of global jubilee, when good people from around the world celebrate, in a haze of glory, their drug of choice: marijuana. It’s a day to forget the troubles of life, sit back and smoke the biggest f’ing blunt you can get your grubby mitts on. But this day hasn’t always been just bong hits and munchies. Here are the top five historical events that really put a damper on the dopest day of the year.
5. 1775: Siege of Boston
Ok, so the Siege of Boston technically started on April 19th, 1775, following the battles of Lexington and Concord, marking the start of the American Revolutionary War – but if you ask people who were there, it wasn’t until the next day that things got into full swing. Anyway, in case you don’t have perfect memory (*cough* *cough*) of 10th grade history class, the Siege of Boston is when George Washington and some New England militiamen (later, the Continental Army) surrounded the city of Boston to prevent movement by the British Army, who was held captive inside the city’s confines. Eventually they forced the British out, ending the 11-month battle, the longest single conflict of the entire war. Sure, this isn’t a buzzkill nowadays, but having to fight a war for 11 months certainly is.
4. 1914: Ludlow Massacre
Known as the bloodiest battle in the 14-month Colorado coal strike of 1913-14, the Ludlow Massacre was the wicked end to a day-long battle between the Colorado National Guard and striking members of the United Mine Workers of America, who were living in a tent camp near the mine. When the smoke finally cleared, 20 people had been killed, including six miners, two women, one Guard member and11 f**king children! Something tells me there it took a hell of a lot of weed to forget that one…
3. 1961: Bay of Pigs Invasion
Sure, JFK might have been a great president, but he’ll never live down the monumental FAIL that’s now known as the Bay of Pigs Invasion. For those of you who forget, this was the failed attempt by Cuban exiles, backed with support and planning by the United States government, to overthrow the Cuban government of Fidel Castro. Now, some experts attribute the failure to Kennedy’s lack of support for the troops on the ground, but any of you who’ve smoked a blunt with a real Cuban cigar know what the real story is.
2. 1999: Columbine High School Massacre
One good way to screw up pretty much everyone’s day is to stage a massacre at a high school, which is exactly what supreme douchebags Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold of the self-proclaimed ‘Trench Coat Mafia’ did when they opened fire on their fellow classmates at Columbine High School in Jefferson County, Colorado, killing 13 people and injuring 24 others. Thing is, you can pretty much guarantee these dudes didn’t smoke pot (or at least enough pot). Because if they had, they’d still be sitting on their mom’s couches, eating fun-dip and playing Doom.
1. 1889: Adolf Hitler’s Birthday
Yep, that’s right, das Führer und Reichskanzler, leader of the Nazis and complete and total A-hole, was born on 4 f’ing 20. And if World War II and the mass extermination of 6 million Jews doesn’t kill that buzz of yours, then you’ve definitely smoked too much weed. However, just think of how many lives could have been save if, instead of taking over Germany and embarking on a plan to create a master race, Hitler just smoke a bowl and did a few more sh!tty paintings.