The subway is very similar to the poet Dante and Virgil’s descent into hell in The Divine Comedy: it’s oppressively hot, you bear witness to the most horrifying sights conceivable and are condemned to incessant suffering with no salvation in sight; and that’s just the platform, you didn’t even board the train yet! What demonic monstrosities dwell behind the automatic doors of the subway train? And once these doors close… there’s no turning back. Mind thy step as we confront the 7 annoying types of
demons people you’ll meet on the subway train!
1) The Subway Biker
Many people, to avoid the stress and frustration associated with mass transit, opt to ride their bikes to work. A commendable choice, but there are those that just don’t seem to grasp the simple concept that biking to work means biking to work the WHOLE damn way! The subway biker is that one *sshole that’s too lazy to actually bike into the city and decides to shave off a few miles by taking the train. You’ll typically find them during the morning or evening rush hour and – no matter how crowded the train is – they will get their bike in, and they aren’t content until the wheel is so far up the crack of your ass you’ve become a human bicycle rack! And don’t even try to say anything about it because they’ll give you the stinkeye and go on a rant about how you’re just jealous of their healthier, pretentious lifestyle.
2) The Pole Nazi
It’s a crowded train and you’re looking around desperately for something to hold on to. At last you find a pole, but – wait – what’s this? Some guy’s already leaning up against it and he’s not moving even though he can clearly see your intent. There’s nothing you can do because the pole Nazi has already declared a personal Lebensraum on the pole in question until he arrives at his stop – which is quite a ways off. The pole Nazi comes in two vexing varieties: the douchebag hipster or the even douchier businessman who lives his life vicariously through Mad Men. Why do they do this? You see, the pole Nazi’s ego is so over-inflated that they need to lean up against an object (the pole) in order to alleviate the unbearable weight of said egos and regain their strength. So you really can’t blame them, it’s in their nature.
3) The Crazy Homeless Guy
There’s nothing worse than being stuck on a train with a smelly homeless guy who brought his trashbags of garbage goodies with him – unless, of course, he also happens to be batsh*t insane! Rarely do you see the crazy homeless guy on an empty train in the afternoon, he likes to wait when they’re at the peak of congestion. That’s when he worms his way onto the train car and starts muttering inaudible gibberish. With each stop that goes by he gets louder, angrier and starts to wander around the train, at which point you’re praying to God that he doesn’t come shuffling your way. But the real magic happens when the train grinds to halt due to traffic up ahead. It’s always a sure thing that at this moment, the homeless guy really starts to go berserk and puts on a horrifying impromptu vaudeville schtick!
4) The Charging Rhino
Is the train crowded to the point of bursting and you can’t get on? Not if you’re the charging rhino! Wherever they need to go is of the utmost importance and they don’t have the time to wait on the platform for an emptier train to show up. Brace for impact as the rhino charges into the train car pushing man, woman and child out of the way, slamming them up against the wall or falling into the laps of those fortunate enough to be seated. I’d recommend the use of a tranquilizer dart to calm the savage beast, but that’s something the transit police frown upon, unfortunately.
5) The Rip Van Winkle
The Rip Van Winkle is a prime example of a douchebag who takes the term “public transportation” a little too far. Essentially, “public” for them means they are entitled to using the train car as he or she sees fit, which, in this case, is taking up nearly an entire row of seats to use as a bed. I hope you don’t mind that they rest their dirty Converse sneakers or fungus-ridden sandals in your lap, it’s only going to be for a few stops and, well, they did have a hard duty-free day of drinking and doing nothing productive. Give them some time to unwind. Don’t let the Rip Van Winkle piss you off though. It’s their face getting acquainted with the butt funk on the seats, not yours.
6) The Screaming Toddler
What sounds like a cat being skinned alive is actually the rattling howl of the infamous scourge of the subways: the screaming toddler. His incessant tantrum can even drive a Buddhist monk up the wall, yes, but if fault should fall squarely on anyone it’s the parents. Where there’s smoke there’s fire, and where there’s a screaming toddler you’re likely to find one of those new age parents that rely on their piss poor diplomacy skills they learned in college to quell a raging 4-year-old. Hell, if I were the kid the last things I’d want to hear are “Do you think this behavior is acceptable?” or “You have to understand there’s a recession and we couldn’t buy you that ice cream cone.” A toddler doesn’t know what these things even are and, thanks to their U.N. parenting, everyone on the train’s got to suffer now!
7) That Person Who Puts Their Bags On An Empty Seat
I couldn’t come up with a clever name for this one, but out of everyone on this list, the person who piles their bags and belongings onto an empty seat is probably the most common and worst offender on the subway. If it’s a really empty train it doesn’t really matter, but pulling this stunt at rush hour is the lowest of the low. There’s a place where you can put your heavy bags and it’s called the floor (it’s new by the way). And believe me, they will not, under any circumstances, move them out of the way for you because, like the guy who sleeps on the seats, their bags of junk had a hard day and they deserve the rest.
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