AOL News reported that we (America) would not be able to survive a Battle: Los Angeles style attack from threats beyond our solar system, according to retired Army Colonel John Alexander. As a species I think we know when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em, that’s what makes movies in which fellow humans overcome insurmountable odds so entertaining and rewarding. But, some movies really stretch our suspension of disbelief with their extremely lopsided David vs. Goliath battles that are, in reality, un-winnable. Which movies? Read on to find out.
Ripley vs. The Alien Queen (Aliens)
In space… no one can hear the geeks raging over the scientific inaccuracy in this scene. While a very good film, the climactic clash where Ellen Ripley engages in some exosuit fisticuffs with the Alien queen is all kinds of wrong, but let’s focus solely on the queen and the Xenomorph species as a whole.
Xenomorphs are natural-born predators for one and have considerable strength, not to mention the ability to climb up walls and ceilings. Now apply that to the queen’s confrontation with the exosuit; realizing that a direct confrontation with the suit proves dangerous and predictable, the queen – with her sharp predatory instincts – should have employed tactics such as climbing around the walls and pulling feints to leave Ripley disconcerted and vulnerable. But, the hero always has to triumph in the end and the queen ended up fighting like the stiff and clunky animatronic puppet that she was.
The Murphy Kids vs. Velociraptors (Jurassic Park)
First, based on their anatomy, they’re actually Deinonychus – not Velociraptors, which were much smaller. Two, they had feathers. And three, Tim and Lex Murphy should’ve been dead the moment the “Velociraptors” walked through the door.
These dinosaurs were superb hunters in their time, traveling in groups and relying on their keen senses of smell and hearing to ferret out potential prey – using teamwork to bring the unfortunate dinosaur down. But Jurassic Park turned them into inept clods that couldn’t even catch a kid with a gimpy leg! Not once did they ever bother to fully turn their head around a corner or pick up on the stench of the kids (who had to be very stinky at this point) or the noise they were making crawling about the floor.
Just look at the second raptor, he’s up the other raptor’s ass the whole time, never taking initiative to look around on his own. No wonder the alpha raptor goes to bite his face!
Ewoks vs. Stormtroopers (Return of the Jedi)
Blame the Empire’s egregious failure on George Lucas and his marketing team because everyone else with half a brain knew the military-trained and disciplined Stormtroopers beat the living crap out of Ewoks any day!
This blemish in the Star Wars mythos is debatable since, by this time, the Empire was taking on non-clone recruits into the Stormtrooper corps as well as new clone templates – all of which lacked the Manadalorian heritage of Jango Fett.
Secondly,the Ewoks were able to strike at exposed portions of the Stormtrooper armor, such as under the arm or the side. Regardless, they had frigging AT-ST’s! They didn’t even need to move around, they could’ve stayed stationary and picked them all off one by one! Last time I checked, I don’t recall any of the Rebels or Ewoks carrying heavy artillery – unless you count swinging logs and slightly larger than average pebbles.
Chunk vs. Sloth (The Goonies)
This moment from The Goonies raises a lot of “what ifs,” namely where chocolate is concerned. Like, what if Chunk didn’t have that Baby Ruth in his pocket, would this scene have played out differently? According to the film, it was Chunk’s kindness and non-judgmental nature that spared him from Sloth pulling the chain from the wall and wrapping it around his flabby neck. But was it really the chocolate bar that led Sloth to follow his corpulent savior around like a puppy, in the vain hope that his new master would reward him with yet another Baby Ruth? We’ll never know for sure, but I imagine things not ending well for Chunk if he extended the olive branch without a chocolatey treat to sweeten the deal…
Russell Casse vs. Spaceship (Independence Day)
A noble death indeed, but let’s allow logic to rain on Russell Casses’s parade. Computer virus that nullified the ship’s shields aside, it’s amazing that Casse’s jet made it as far as it did while the super weapon was charging. The energy that it was radiating – alien in origin – should have had some negative effect on the jet’s onboard flight control systems and instruments, rendering them inert and leaving the jet unable to continue its upward ascent into the spacecraft.
Secondly, why wasn’t Casse disintegrated the closer he got to the weapon’s focal point? Really, that thing should have been dust which then would also be disintegrated. I guess fortune favors the brave – especially if you happen to be out of your mind like Randy Quaid!
Indiana Jones vs. A Cliff (The Last Crusade)
I’m not an expert about tanks or said military vehicle taking a spill over a cliff, but I’m pretty sure if that were to happen, it’s something you’re not going to walk away from. But Mr. Indiana “Living Miracle” Jones survived by grabbing a conveniently placed branch in the nic of time… A few feet away from where he originally fell! How the hell did he pull a stunt like that? Are we supposed to believe that in that short window of opportunity he, flawlessly, used his whip to grab the branch and swing across to it like an impromptu vine? Then again, this is Indiana Jones we’re talking about and he can probably split mountains in two with his whip for all we know.
Dr. Richard Kimble vs. A Dam (The Fugitive)
Hold on here: Harrison Ford was in The Fugitive. He also played Indiana Jones, who is able to defy logic and survive anything. Ergo, the fact that Ford was able to jump from the dam uninjured means that this actually makes perfect sense in comparison to everything else on this list. Awesome!
DID WE MISS ANYONE?
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