He Said / She Said: Translating Text Messages
He Said/She Said is a new dating, sex, and relationship series designed to help dudes understand what chicks are thinking – we know, an impossible feat. Every week we’ll be throwing out a different topic for debate…you can read the guy’s side here and the girl’s side at CollegeCandy.com. This week’s topic: the secret code or hidden agenda behind text messages.
For many guys, the advent of the text message was an absolute godsend. Personally, I hate talking on the phone. It sucks. You can’t see the person you’re talking to, so you have no f***ing clue how they’re responding. I’m big on body language and facial expressions. If I say something and I get dead air, I panic big time. While I’m over here preparing a noose, it turns she might just be zoning out on The Bachelor, checking Facebook, or painting her nails. The whole time, I’m thinking Did she get the joke? Is she rolling her eyes? WHEN THE F*** ARE WE GETTING THE VIDEO PHONE?!
Yes, I know about Skype and Google Video chat – but good luck getting a broad to do it. So, text messaging has been my communication of choice. No matter how many times I read advice articles telling me girls want us to pick up the phone and talk, I just can’t bring myself to do it. It’s actually hurt my dating life as much as it’s helped it.
But, there’s a really good reason why girls tell us to call instead of text, because their minds go into absolute OVERDRIVE when they recieve a text message – especially ones without emoticons to help them understand your intention. Do you think I like using emoticons? No, they’re gay. But, for a girl to NOT go crying into her 15 pillows at night or throwing her phone in the toilet, I have to use ‘em. As much as we struggle with interpreting phone calls, girls have five hour panel discussions about your texts.
So, I’m going to attempt to break down how both men and women should interpret the following text messages.
Guys Sends / Girl Receives: Guy’s cool with whatever you said, but doesn’t have the time or energy to put a pretty pink bow on it.
Girls Sends / Guy Receives: She’s probably pissed. I always follow this up with “can’t talk now, call u later” unless of course her response is to “call u later” then CALL HER LATER (no matter how much that sucks)
Guys Sends / Girl Receives: Most likely he’s bored, just wants to check in, or if it’s late night he wants some ass
Girls Sends / Guy Receives: She hasn’t heard from the guy in a while and is worried or if it’s late night she wants some ass
“What are you doing later?”
Guys Sends / Girl Receives: He wants to go out with his buddies, but is hoping to secure booty with the girl BEFORE going out OR he might be meeting up with a girl and wants to make sure he A) doesn’t run into the girl or B) has a back up plan
Girls Sends / Guy Receives: She’s got plans with her girls, but it’s not girls night out. Things are looking good for you, my man.
“I wish you were here”
Guys Sends / Girl Receives: … so he can hook up
Girls Sends / Guy Receives: … so she can hook up OR to save her from other dudes / show her friends her new catch
“I’m not feeling well”
Guys Sends / Girl Receives: If this is the first text of the convo, he wants the girl to come over and nurse him back to the health (read: hook up). If it’s not the lead text, he just wants to end the convo for now.
Girls Sends / Guy Receives: She just wants to end the convo
“It was nice seeing you last night”
Guys Sends / Girl Receives: If he didn’t hook up with you, he wants to. If he did hook up with you, he wants to do it again.
Girls Sends / Guy Receives: Same as above. There is a slight chance she felt bad for not hooking up with you and she doesn’t want you to think she’s a bitch.
“Whatever you want to do”
Guys Sends / Girl Receives: Seriously, whatever you want to do. It’s your call. (this is when i throw that stupid smiley face on the end so she doesn’t cut her wrists)
Girls Sends / Guy Receives: Most likely, she’s pissed. If it’s followed by an smiley face (god DAMN those emoticons) she’s perfectly happy with whatever you decide to do. Wife that chick up.
“I’ll text you later”
Guys Sends / Girl Receives: He can tell you’re antsy. Yes, he’s dismissing you but it’s better than not getting any response, right? Chill.
Girls Sends / Guy Receives: It’s rare for a girl to ever send this. If she does, a guy should know that’s a free pass to forget about her until she actually does text you.
“OK. (with the period)”
Guys Sends / Girl Receives: Unless this is an accident, he’s pissed. Do NOT call or text for at least a day, maybe half a day. Better off calling. If he doesn’t pick up, just leave a message explaining. If no response then adios, muchacho.
Girls Sends / Guy Receives: Pissed. Gonna have to wait this out til her anger subsides then call and leave a voicemail if she doesn’t pick up.
Guys Sends / Girl Receives: Could be a dismissive laugh, but he wants to let you know it’s funny and he didn’t really have anything to respond with. It’s filler.
Girls Sends / Guy Receives: To me, I think “lol” is the girls’ version of “haha”. Then again, if it’s followed by an exclamation point, she genuinely thinks it’s funny. Same with extending the ha – as in ‘hahahahhahahahaha’ – that’s the honest to god laughing out loud.
So, just like the original text and text messages in general, I’m not sure if my breakdown helps or hurts, but hopefully it will give you less intuitive folk some insight into the thought process. But, in all seriousness, if you have to think really hard about a text’s meaning, it might be worth your while to just take a deep breath and go for a walk to clear your mind.
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He Said / She Said: “Dormcest” (Hooking Up With Roommates/Neighbors)