The wheels of technology enslaving us are now officially set in motion thanks to the eye-controlled laptop and the “Jazz” telepresence robot unveiled during the CeBit technology expo in Hanover, Germany two weeks ago. While the general public – blind to their inevitable termination – is hailing these devices and others like them as innovations in technological design and general convenience, those of us who actually watched films like The Terminator and Tron know all too well that these are only the first insidious steps in mankind’s downfall. Know your enemy by reading COED’s list of eight technologies that you will eventually call “master.”
We might as well give robots a gun now because what looks like an average laptop is actually a phase one weapon in technology’s grand plan to eliminate humanity. Developed by the Swedish tech firm Tobii Technology, the computer allows users to use eye movements to control what they do on the screen such as zooming in and out of photos or switching between open windows on the fly – no keyboard, mouse or actual physical movement required. While our eye muscles would certainly get stronger, all function in our arms and legs would diminish from neglect. So the day the robot revolution starts, humans will be nothing more than bug-eyed freaks flailing our lifeless appendages in a vain attempt to defend ourselves from our robotic attackers.
Robokiyu Fire Rescue Robot
The Robokiyu is touted as being a – get a load of this bull – a “rescue” robot. It is able to go where inferior human rescue crews can’t and pull the injured or unconscious to safety… or so they want you to think. I don’t see why this thing wouldn’t be converted into a makeshift meat grinder and turn the surplus of humans on Earth into a fuel source of some kind for its superiors or provide a Soylent Green-like foodstuff for the human slaves.
Tmsuk T-34 Security Robot
Today: helping police forces worldwide hunt down perps and bring them in.
Tomorrow: helping its fellow technological brothers worldwide hunt down escapees from human enslavement camps and bring them in.
“T-34”? We’re only 966 upgrades away from the T-1000.
This. But with more blood and screaming:
Honda Motor Co.’s Robotic Legs
Honda Motor Co. designed these robotic legs to aid in alleviating the stress and pain for people who have trouble walking, especially the elderly. But that nice family outing in the park with grandpa is going to end in disaster once these legs gain sentience. And “pop-pop” starts bee-lining against his will towards the freeway into oncoming traffic. Look at grandpa go!
Telenoid R1 Robot
Ever see that episode of the Twilight Zone, “Night Call“; if not, it’s about a woman receiving calls from her dead husband over the phone because of a downed phone line on his grave. Pretty sure our technological overlords saw this episode too and intended that the Telenoid R1 Robot perform a similar function. Not only is this thing designed to look like a mocking facsimile of a disembodied human spirit, but it acts as a telephone that mimics the expression of the caller as he or she talks. If the episode is anything to go by, Telenoids would be stationed on graves across the globe communicating with the dead and have them join their cause to usurp mankind. Great, now we have to dread midnight trips to the bathroom too, besides robots!
Just because this thing shares the same name as the smooth-talking, Scatman Crothers-voiced Autobot from The Transformers doesn’t mean he’s here to protect humans from enemy robots. “Jazz”, from the French tech firm Gostai, was built to make long distance meetings less of a hassle by displaying an image of the speaker on its “face” and project the individual’s voice as well. It’s second function is to patrol places of work, recording all activity and sending it all back to whomever is controlling it. Thanks, France, you just introduced a slave-driving overseer into the world that, due to its lack of humanity, will interpret collapsing from exhaustion as an inefficiency and have us fed to Robokiyu; all while displaying your rictus grin-visage on its face for a nightmarish irony…
Every oppressive regime needs an army that acts as an extension of its cruelty and Asimo fits the bill for rank and file soldiers. Seeing squads of Asimo robots patrolling the streets will become a common sight as will the Gestapo-style tactics they will employ. And the woman in the picture isn’t shaking its hand, she’s surrendering willingly. Oh God, it’s already begun…
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