Getting prepped for the 2012 apocalypse? Well, you might want to start gathering provisions a bit faster considering the 8.9 magnitude earthquake and tsunami that hit Japan this morning. Harold Camping, a broadcaster for a Christian radio station in California, has been scaring the bejeezus out of people all over Twitter with his prediction that Doomsday is May 21, 2011. After this morning’s events, he might be right. But life’s too short to stick your head in a hole. We at COED encourage you to defiantly stare into the face of oblivion and cross off our list of things you have to do before the end of the world!
1) Exclusively Eat Taco Bell Mystery Meat
Mystery meat is a riddle wrapped in a conundrum, wrapped in an enigma and ground up and served to you in a taco shell. Researchers have been trying to exactly pinpoint what constitutes this odd food item as well as the effects it can have on the human body if consumed for long spans of time. So, why don’t you take the plunge and become your own guinea pig? A month and a half is adequate time for the mystery meat to wreak utter havoc on your body and record your findings. Just be sure to submit your life’s work to the scientific community and snatch up your Nobel Peace Prize before, you know, ya die. Death isn’t such a bad thing though. While everyone’s dealing with blood rain in May, you’ll be nice and cozy six feet under.
2) Drink Actual Tiger Blood at a Party With Charlie Sheen Before He Overdoses
Charlie Sheen has been shocking and delighting everybody with his consumption of purported tiger blood. If he were a real man, however, he wouldn’t be pounding his chest while downing mangosteen juice like a health conscious ninny. Test the ninja warrior / Vatican assassin’s meddle by getting your hands on some actual tiger blood and throwing a party at his house where the only drink served is actual tiger blood – how you’ll go about getting your hands on this we don’t know, but good luck dealing with the ASPCA and PETA.
3) Have An Unprotected Threesome With Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton
Why not, right? You’re gonna croak before the STD eats away at your d*ck and your soul, might as well get a piece of what everyone else is having. Have you seen Paris’ sex tape? If it weren’t for STDs every man, woman, and child would be barking up her tree for a slice. Even with that knowledge, some just can’t abstain from the forbidden fruit. As for LiLo, you could probably even have her teach Paris how to love a lady. The burning and itching will be nothing to the
4) Drink Guinness and Jameson until you hurl at the All-Ireland Senior Club Hurling Championship in Ireland on St. Patrick’s Day
Go hard or go home. Screw New Year’s, St. Patty’s Day is the drinker’s holiday. While some stateside celebrations are pretty boss, you just can’t beat being in Ireland on this day. I suggest doing a pub crawl before getting to the game, make sure you have a couple flasks handy, and then don’t be shy about letting your innards rip. Paint the walls with your Irish breakfast. I also suggest adding green food coloring to EVERYTHING you ingest. That way, you can keep it festive.
5) Tell everyone you know how to stop Doomsday on April 1st
Everyone’s gonna be all serious and sh*t upon hearing the news our demise is inevitable. Why not lighten the mood with a good ol’ fashioned prank? Alert the press, organize a press conference and broadcast it worldwide. Will the entire population of Earf hate your guts? Probably not. I’m sure the Jackass crew will appreciate your efforts.
6) Go Streaking Across Every Baseball Field In The U. S.
While baseball might be America’s #1 greatest pastime, streaking across the field with your pale ass for all to see is no doubt a close second. But since the world is allegedly right at death’s door, it only makes sense to get your fill of the magic and delight that only streaking can bring by embarking on a journey to every stadium across the U.S. Each baseball stadium is like a snowflake and no two beatdowns from stadium security are alike – the methods they employ to bring you down and strength of said security, for example. And while they have your head pinned to the turf, that’s the perfect opportunity to sample the unique flavors of the grass and dirt; many streakers recommend the rich medley of flavors from Yankee Stadium in Spring.
7) Don’t do your taxes
Uh, if the government still wants your cash at this point (and they probably will), you have every right to write one a dem 1,000 page bills Capitol Hill is so fond of, and in it explain why you didn’t pay your taxes while earmarking totally unrelated stories from your past. Mail that gold to every politician known to man.
8) Hotbox DEA Headquarters w/ Willie Nelson & Wiz Khalifa on April 20th
Most likely on the day of our inevitable doom some of you will be holed up in your basement rolling up that last joint or taking that final bong hit to help numb the fact that there’s a flaming fissure opening in the middle of your floor releasing the underworld’s dead upon the Earth. You could do that, but it would be even better if you passed the bong during all the mayhem with the king of the tokers, Willie Nelson, and his heir apparent Wiz Khalifa. But that’s not all. Since America is so against legalizing the drug, it’s payback time. Sneak into DEA headquarters and hotbox the crap out of that place. Show ‘em the sticky icky ain’t so bad after all. Hell, maybe they’ll look the other way for the last month of existence.
9) Run in the Boston marathon and cheat your f***ing ass off to win
I don’t care what it takes, just do it. Stab a bitch. Hail a cab. Hire a couple snipers. We need to let Kenya know America rules.
10) Murder Mint Juleps at the Kentucky Derby!
No holds barred. Destroy those southern style lip smackers. Of course, you need be dressed as Colonel Sanders when you do so. People will appreciate your antics at first, but not when you’re trying to race the horses on the actual track in between seducing southern belles.
11) Do a body shot of every tequila off every girl you see on Cinco de Mayo in Mexico
Yes, EVERY girl. At this point in the dwindling moments of your fairly unaccomplished life, you’re REALLY gonna be picky about who you rip tequila off of? Get nuts, dude. We hear the less attractive chicks try harder. Okay, we KNOW the less attractive chicks try harder.
12) Host a nonstop “apocalypse” movie marathon at the Grauman’s Chinese Theatre attended by cast members and directors of said movies
Why the F not? It’ll distract all of us from impending doom. Hey, it might even give us some pointers on how we can go about beating it. Can you imagine sitting through a never-ending line of legendary characters battling what you’re about to go through WITH the people who played them? We’re talking Mad Max 2 The Road Warrior, T2 Judgment Day, Dawn of the Dead, The Fifth Element, 28 Days Later, War of the Worlds. Hell, mix some comedies in there like South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.
13) Build A Time Machine
Not everybody is going to be able to face the apocalypse with a brave face or have that feeling they accomplished everything they needed to in their lives. If we’ve learned anything from science fiction it’s that a time machine is the cure for what ails ya. People say that time travel is impossible, but those people just didn’t try hard enough or couldn’t find a decently priced flux capacitor on eBay. With a little faith in science and the required 1.21 gigawatts, you can flip the Four Horsemen the bird as you speed off to any place in time of your choosing and get away from it all. At the very least build a doomsday device and threaten everyone to set it off before the actual doomsday to motivate someone smarter than you to build a goddam time machine!
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