How To Cheat Without Getting Caught
With Gawker breaking the news that married Republican New York congressman Christopher Lee posted ads on Craiglist posing as a divorced lobbyist then reporting he resigned, we at COED think it’s important to reiterate the 7 steps to cheating that will diminish the chances of getting caught, so future cheaters can avoid resignation, divorce, and potential slaying. Is cheating right? No. Should you do it? No. But if you’re a f*cking idiot and think it’s cool, here’s how you should do it. Pay attention, all you Craigslist congressmen!
1. Establish an Alibi
There’s nothing like an independent party’s word to give any story credibility. And the only thing better is one that is valid 24/7. So even though this is about as shady as you can get, our best recommendation is to pretend you’re a buddy’s AA sponsor. As a sponsor, you’ll be able to get a call from “your friend” (the other chick) at all hours of the day, and your GF won’t say a thing. Plus, you’ll come off secure, generous and kind – all things she’ll probably like. To pull this off, you’ll need to choose a friend your girl doesn’t already know, unless you have one that’s already in AA, of course. And he’ll have to be supportive of your nefarious schemes. Once you’ve made your choice, the benefits will come pouring in.
2. Get a Gym Membership
And a gym bag, filled with a change of clothes. This gives you a place to be that doesn’t involve strange vaginas and a reason to be covered in sweat (or showered) when you get home. It does cost a chunk of money, but just think of it as insurance, and it practically pays for itself. Couple of things to remember: First, this one doesn’t work well if you have an athletic girl, who might want to join with you. And make sure to avoid setting up your dates during any yoga classes. If your girlfriend gets suspicious, going to yoga is a perfect opportunity for her to check up on you without automatically coming off as crazy. Either way, it’s good to combine this tactic with having an alibi, that way you have a place to be if she finds you absent from the treadmill room.
3. Assign Ambiguous Nicknames
This one provides a few good outs to some sticky situations. By giving the ladies in your life not-sexy, asexual nicknames provides you a way to talk on the phone to either girl in front of the other without giving away who’s on the other end of the line. So instead of naming her (them) ‘Kissypoo’ or ‘Sweet Tits’, go with something like ‘Sport’ or ‘Hank,’ or whatever, just as long as it won’t blow your cover.
4. Delete Incriminating Evidence
To get away with any big lie, you have to be as careful as a serial killer. Cheating is just a bunch of big lies. But the only way she can ever catch you with your pants down…you know, besides actually catching you with your pants down, is with proof – the truth. So no matter what, get in the habit of deleting everything. Every email, text, phone call, IM, or slip of paper has to go. Because the less mess you leave laying around, the less you’re going to have to clean up later. Take a week and get in the habit.
5. Don’t Use Facebook
We hate to admit it, but the quickest way to get caught is a some chick posting lovey-dovey nonsense on your Facebook wall. Even if you’re girl doesn’t see it, one of her friends will, or one of their friends will. And all it takes is being tagged in one picture of one girl sitting on your lap and the whole thing crumbles to sh*t. I know, it’s hard, but if you really want to be a successful player, you’re going to have to make some sacrifices – and that means NO FACEBOOK. “But what if I just make two profiles, one for her and one for every one else?” OK, that might work, but it still weakens your chances of getting away scot-free. The best bet is to leave your life off-line and in check.
6. “Travel for Business”
This one can be a bit trickier than the others, but can provide oodles of opportunity for getting some nookie on the side, since it gives you an excuse for not spending the night at home watching How to Lose a Guy In 10 Days. If you’re fortunate to have a job that requires you to travel, then you’re already ahead of the game. If not, you can either try to weasel your way into a job that requires travel, or take the simpler approach and start volunteering for an organization that allows for some travel (like Habitat for Humanity, which operates all over the world.) By using the volunteer excuse, it also makes you seem like a much better person than you really are. Just make sure to have access to your email and cell phone whenever you use this excuse, and if you go the volunteer route, make sure you choose an organization that your GF will think is cool – but not so cool she’ll want to get in on the help.
7. Deny, Deny, Deny
No matter how meticulous your planning, no matter how bullet-proof your lies, you are probably still going to get caught sometime, somewhere. When that happens, there’s only one throwing star left in your ninja pouch – DENY EVERYTHING. It doesn’t matter if another chick is taking off your pants when your girl walks in, make something up. Be ruthless. Never give in. It doesn’t always work, but it stands a much better chance than telling the truth.
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