Musicians are like today’s Greek Gods. They’re rich, good looking, crazy, and can get laid whenever and wherever they want. For us mere mortals though, being in a band can sometimes be a really bad idea. Here are five reasons why you should put down the guitar, guyliner, and leather pants right now.
1.) You have to share a tour bus with three other dudes
Sure, celebrities can afford huge, luxury tour buses complete with a mini bar and hot tub. But if you’re in some no-name band about to embark on your first tour, chances are you’re all going to be packed up like sardines in a winnebago. Imagine sharing a space equivalent to the size of a wheelbarrow with a couple of other guys for two weeks straight. Imagine also if one of them doesn’t believe in bathing.
2.) You suck at playing guitar
Playing in a real life band isn’t as easy as playing in a band on Rock Band. You actually need to have talent. If you have no musical ability what-so-ever, imagine the embarrassment you’ll face once you get up on stage for the first time. Try taking guitar lessons before you shave your hair into a mohawk.
3.) You want to get rich
Chances are, your band will never get discovered. You’ll spend months, maybe even years, playing gigs at dive bars and people’s basement parties. Maybe you’ll even go on tour. If you want to make money, become a lawyer.
You should be in a band for the love of the music, not the success that you hope the music might bring. Most bands work their butts off to support themselves and even have day jobs. Fame and money doesn’t come instantly.
4.) You’re shy
You need to be a complete extrovert to be a musician. You need to network, get fans out to your shows, and have the balls to put on a great performance. This means you might, at some point, have to get naked. If being infront of a crowd scares you, then maybe you should reconsider before joining a band. Sure, the music industry’s had plenty of introverts or recluses but when the time comes to blow people away with their talent, they don’t hold anything back (as Dan Fouts would say in “The Waterboy“).
5.) You have a paranoid girlfriend
Girls love guys in bands. Even crappy bands. If you’re in a band, expect tons of girls to be swooning over you. It sounds like every man’s dream, right? Well, if you have a paranoid girlfriend groupies can be your worst nightmare.
If you’re on tour and have to text or call your lady every five minutes to assure her you’re remaining faithful, that’s no fun. It’s also not fair to her if you do decide to get a bit naughty in the back of the tour bus. If you are strapped down by a ball and chain, band life is not for you.
Being in a band requires a lot of dedication, hard work, and patience. It is not for everybody. If you want all of the glory rock stars have, stick to Rock Band. Dibs on drums!