Everyone wants to be a superhero. The powers, the gadgets, the crazy chicks with White Knight complexes – what’s not to love? As an alternative to your ultra-glamorous retail job or that useless PhD you’re working towards (come on man, a podiatrist isn’t even a real doctor-give it up already), let COED show you how to become a superhero and immediately start living a more awesome, cell-shaded life.
Step 1: Tragic Past
No one ever strapped on tights and a polyester cape because they were emotionally stable. If you want to fight crime, you need a tragic past.
What if your parents are still alive? What if you aren’t at fault for your uncle’s murder, or your middle school girlfriend’s blindness? Then start taking your loved ones on long walks through the worst parts of town, or perhaps on a long vacation to a war-torn third-world nation. We guarantee results!
Step 2: Fixate Like Mad. Literally.
Now that your mother’s been killed by a bizarre black-market ring of kidney thieves in one-piece pajamas (yes, the kind with footies), you must never stop thinking about how your mother was killed by that ring of onsie-wearing organ traffickers. Ever. Focus on this one fact for, at minimum, your entire childhood.
To go above and beyond, it would help if you developed a mild for of a serious mental illness while this happened. Schizophrenia’s always in season, and paranoia’s a classic everyone wears well! Just make sure the fabric of your sanity’s been frayed, so when you
Step 3: Decide You Are A God
It makes total sense to you and only you. This is the first real superhero part of our 7-step program. In the case of our protagonist whose mother was killed by surgeons in pajamas, declare yourself Dialysis Man or the Kidney Kaper. Become the thing you hate most, as long as you can make a bitchin’ costume out of it (all the money’s in the action figures, kids.)
Then declare yourself above the law and vow revenge, preferably while standing on a rooftop. Silhouetting yourself by the light of the moon is optional. Encouraged, but optional.
Step 4: Acquiring Powers
Now that you have an awesome costume and insatiable, righteous bloodlust, you need the tools to carry out your vengeance. Places where superhuman abilities are frequently obtained include, but are not limited to: Nuclear power plants, atomic power plants, research facilities conducting medical experiments, sewers and sewage systems, museums dealing with the occult, weapon testing fields, and anywhere science is conducted on purpose.
Hang around until something goes horribly awry. You may think a reactor meltdown would obliterate you and the better part of the hemisphere, but that’s why you’re not a superhero yet and instead spend your time dicking around on the Internet. Close the window for Starcraft Robot Unicorn Tetris Assault Attack and focus, nerd: catastrophic events will not kill you. They will give you magic powers.
Or they’ll make you really lame, like Gear from Static Shock. But mostly they’ll give you powers.
(also see Step 4A: Being Rich Instead)
Step 5: Execute Vengeance
Congratulations! You can fly, you have laser vision, and for some reason you make amazing panninis. Now it’s time to satisfy your murderous instincts and kill the pajama wearing weirdos who dissected and killed your mother.
Wow. They’re all dead, huh? That was easy.
Step 6: Vow To Protect The Good
Your life, while enhanced by two and a half awesome superpowers, is now utterly devoid of meaning. Way to go there Bruce, you’re a shell of a human being. A shell wrapped in spandex and a utility belt. What is there left to do, logically, besides arrest and murder every other scumbag within a thirty mile radius of you? It’s the only morally correct decision on your part, considering how close to godhood you are and all, right? Plus, with marriage vows being a total joke these days considering the high divorce rate, no one will get that pissed when you don’t follow through on yours to protect Aunt May. She had it coming anyway.
Step 7: Kill Everyone Anyway
There comes a time in every fledgling superhero’s life where his moral compass goes on the fritz and he goes berserk on the guy selling hotdogs on street corners. That comes right after you avenge your past, and immediately before you get your act together and start fighting for good. Anti-heroic as it might be, this final step is AWESOME (and can be seen in every Punisher comic ever).
Think of it as your angsty superhero adolescence, but instead of acne and blogging you kill some innocent bystanders and use your powers for your personal gain while humming Linkin Park songs to yourself.
After you’ve completed this irresponsible final step, you’re officially a superhero! And yes, those tights do make you look fat.
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