Each year we men find ourselves another step closer to enlightenment; the complete understanding of the female species. Unfortunately, just as we feel as though we’ve made huge advancements towards the aforementioned enlightenment, they go and pull the rug from under our feet, leaving us just as clueless as ever. Here are 5 things we learned about them this year. 2011 is looking pretty bleak…
Chivalry is a forgotten art
Professional Jersey Shore ‘guido’ Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has become inexplicably famous for two things; his gloriously redundant nickname ‘The Situation’, and his tremendously swollen ego.
Despite looking like Popeye let loose on a spinach farm, ‘Sitch’, as he is known to his perma-tanned friends, appears to be immensely popular with the opposite sex despite treating them with all the respect of a worn out old boot.
Season 2 highlights include him forcing an apprehensive young girl to sleep on the couch after she refused to have sex with him, and slapping everybody’s favourite mahogany faced dwarf Snooki in the mouth when bitch wouldn’t do as she was told.
Fortunately, a six-pack and a multi-million dollar contract will let you get away with just about anything these days, and The Situation was last seen lending his ‘unique’ talents to Dancing with the Stars and still cavorting with beautiful women.
Individuality is only achieved by way of a meat hat
When GaGa took to the stage at the MTV VMA awards, it was admittedly difficult to not laugh a little. For almost 2 years now the Western World has heralded GaGa as something of a visionary, her unique clothing choices in no small way contributing to this viewpoint.
Those of us with a bit more perspective, however, understand that GaGa’s eccentric wardrobe is nothing more than a smart publicity stunt, masked as ‘art’ to lend an element of sophistication to songs with lyrics such as “bluffin’ with my muffin”.
So as GaGa stood before a crowd of assorted celebrities and fans, wearing a dress, hat and purse made entirely out of real meat, you could have been forgiven for thinking that she had finally jumped the shark.
To make matters even more ludicrous, she published a statement explaining the ‘philosophical’ element of the cow flavored gown, claiming that she was the “most judgemental free human being on the Earth” and that the dress should show us that if we “don’t stand up for our rights pretty soon we’re going to have as much rights as the meat on our bones”. Uh… what?
Needless to say, GaGa’s popularity didn’t wane and has continued to grow stronger and stronger, leaving a generation of women (and gay guys; don’t forget the gay guys) to be astounded by these ‘brave’ fashion decisions, whilst the majority of us straight fellas continue to look on with a mixture of confusion and fear.
Don’t be afraid to be one-dimensional
Jacob Black, the werewolf of the Twilight Saga’s love triangle, loves Bella. He loves her despite the fact that she is as vacant as a fart-filled elevator.
On top of this, he is a dark skinned, good looking young man with muscles presumably carved out of stone, and he also possesses a little thing called a personality.
Unfortunately for him, Bright Falls is also home to another family of mythical creatures – vampires. As we all know, vampires are sexy by default, and Bella is immediately taken by the pasty teen with the alarmingly stoic face, Edward.
It’s bad news for Jacob, then, as his kind-hearted, sympathetic and loving gestures pale in comparison to Edward’s… hair. He’s got good hair. And he can stare whilst pouting.
Suddenly, teenage boys across the globe witnessed their girlfriends/crushes fall victim to Edward’s ‘charm’, instilling the belief in our younger generation that you needn’t be a warm, caring person to get the girl. Simply cover yourself in glitter and look miserable.
Boobs and puppets don’t mix
Kevin Clash is one lucky son-of-a-bitch. Having spent the best part of 30 years with his hand up the ass of a puppet, you might be inclined to argue otherwise, but when that puppet is Elmo, well… Kevin Clash is one lucky son-of-a-bitch.
Having occupied the same room as Beyonce and Natalie Portman, along with a myriad of other famous faces, Kevin Clash has made a living out of being the world’s most famous furry red monsters puppeteer, with Elmo being one of the most famous and beloved children’s TV icons in history.
However, controversy struck in September, when pop starlet Katy Perry shot a segment for the show that was promptly unveiled to the Internet ahead of its scheduled New Years Eve airing.
Parents (Jealous Mothers) were up in arms over the skit, which involved Perry singing a kids-friendly rendition of ‘Hot n Cold’ whilst wearing a ‘low-cut’ green dress.
The dress did, in fact, cover Perry up to her neck – the light-coloured mesh of the dress simply giving it the appearance of being low-cut.
Even so, the fun was cut short, and the clips release was cancelled.
Amidst the controversy, Perry appeared on Saturday Night Live, sporting a REAL low-cut top with Elmo’s face stretched across her cleavage, spurring the creation of The Best .gif In The World Ever.
Remember kids, C is for C-Cup!
Curvy women are back
The size zero trend of recent years has caused women with fuller figures to feel insecure, swapping carbs for side salads in an effort to not appear ‘fat’, in the sense that the typical rake-thin catwalk model is ‘normal’.
We men, on the other hand, appreciate womanly curves, and would prefer a girl who didn’t have their rib cage protruding from their torso.
Thankfully, 2010 was the year where curves were praised rather than made fun of, with women such as Mad Men star Christina Hendricks (pictured) receiving high praise for her voluptuous body from both sexes.
It is good to see ‘real’ women being recognized by other women again; us guys caught on a long time ago.
After all, when was the last time you saw two frat boys bump fists before exclaiming “Dude, this chick I banged last night was so hot. She had tits like a pre-pubescent 12 year old and I could see all the bones in her ass”?
What other lessons did women teach us in 2010? Let us know in the comments section!
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