Which Non-Alcoholic Product Will Be The Next “Whipped Lightning”?

By Edit Posted in Booze + Food, College, Culture, Funny, News-ish

First there was Four Loko– the notorious “Blackout in a Can” that made so many headlines it was pulled from the shelves. And now there’s alcohol infused whipped cream which seems to be the newest alcoholic product garnering national disapproval. Whether or not it will remain on shelves still remains unknown, but in the meantime it’s time to start inventing some more alcohol infused products to hit the shelves during 2011. Engineers: get to it.

Cigarettes: more specifically the electronic cigarettes would make a good alcohol infused product. Instead of a nicotine delivery system, replace it with an alcohol delivery system and you’re good to go. You can use it to “smoke” in restaurants, airplanes and other public places. You’ll look like a tool, but you’ll be too drunk to care.

Chocolate Syrup: infused with alcohol can be an even bigger hit than the alcoholic whipped cream. It probably won’t taste that great, but the pros outweigh the cons on this one. It will enhance the fun of body shots, Peppermint Patty shots, and of course, ice cream.

Hard Candies or Lollipops: infused with alcohol will make your long days at work more interesting and less efficient. You can even keep them in the candy bowl on your desk and no one will suspect a thing…until someone inevitably gets a DUI on their way home from the office but doesn’t remember drinking anything all day.

Gum: infused with alcohol is even less conspicuous than candy. Some people are still a little old fashioned and will insist on you spitting it out, but for the most part you can chew this anytime anywhere. Plus, it will come in handy once you get cut off but want to keep drinking.

Patches: have been invented for birth control, nicotine fixes and even caffeine fixes, so why not one with alcohol? And just like the alcoholic gum, you can keep boozin’ without receiving worried looks from your friends or family members. If they see you sipping on water all night, they can’t accuse you of having a drinking problem.

Powdered drinks: would be a multimillion dollar market. Single serving packets of Crystal Light, Gatorade or Starbucks Via are wildly popular because they’re convenient, portable and all you have to do is mix it with some water–which is readily available and free. Can you imagine being able to have a Cranberry Vodka as quickly as you can mix it into a cup of water? Me either. AA might be picking up some new members if this ever hits shelves.

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