If you’re like me, Christmas sneaks up on you like a ninja. Most of the time, you’re able to escape its stealthy wrath by running around town on Christmas Eve, furiously buying gift cards and aromatherapy bath gels. But some years, there’s just not enough time (or personal responsibility) to finish (or start) your gift-buying. And when Christmas day comes along, you’re stuck looking like the family asshole. So to get out of the dog house this year, here are nine fool-proof excuses for not having any gifts from you under the tree.
1. Blame It on the Stock Market: Sure, it might not technically make sense. But since most people don’t really understand the stock market in the first place, just spew some nonsense about derivatives and bear markets and that “son-of-a-bitch Paulson,” and you should be good.
2. Feign Terminal Illness: This might ruin Christmas in it’s own way, but at least you won’t look like the lazy, forgetful asshole. And you’ll probably get some sweeter presents next year…
3. Busy Fighting the War on Christmas: Who cares if the “War on Christmas” isn’t a real war? You have Jesus on your side – and nobody can argue with Jesus…
4. Dog Ate Them: Works every time.
5. Became a Communist: If you don’t believe in personal possession or religion, how can you be expected to participate in a holiday based entirely on both?
6. Mumble Something About Complications in the Space-Time Continuum: This one might require going on a jargon-filled tirade about portals and “that rat bastard Father Time,” but you’ll either confuse everyone enough to not question your asshole-ishness any further, or they’ll just think you’ve completely lost your mind. Either way, you win!
7. Gave Everyone’s Presents Away to an Orphanage: Instead of looking like a complete d*ckwad, you look like a saint. Problem is, lying about such things will probably seal your seat in hell. But that’s not till later, so screw it.
8. It’s George Bush’s Fault: Sure he’s been out of office for two year snow but everything’s already George Bush’s fault, so adding one more item to the list isn’t a stretch for anyone’s imagination.
9. You’re Broke: It works because it’s probably true. Just make sure to not show everyone your iPhone, or it’s all over.