COED’s All-Hollywood Football Team

By Travis Pulver November 29, 2010 2:00 pm Posted in culture, football, Football - NCAA, Football - NFL, Movies, Sports Travis Pulver g+ page

JC Ridley Photos / Caneshooter Archive

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s new movie “Faster” released in theaters last week. Many people know that Dwayne was a huge WWF / WWE superstar before breaking into the world of cinema, however, few know that he was a college football standout at the University of Miami where he played defensive line. His injury allowed future NFL Hall of Famer Warren Sapp to step into the limelight. Since so many real football players are actors we might as well field a team of them.

Staff

Head Coach

If Denzel Washington can go all Herman Boone on these chumps they might not be half-bad. I could at least see them beating the Cowboys.

Defensive and Offensive Coordinators

True, the ORIGINAL LT Lawrence Taylor and Jim Brown were football players at one time, but there more or less actors now. Someone has to actually know what they’re doing out there. After they send LT to jail maybe we can get Wade Phillips to help; I hear he’s looking for a job.

Offense

Quarterbacks

The starter would be the Brett Favre-like Bruce Willis and his back up would be the washed up Eddie Murphy. Mark Harmon would be the prototypical emergency QB – relaxed guy who stays cool under pressure but can be fiery when the situation calls for it.

Running backs

Tyler Lautner and LL Cool J. Gotta have some real athletes at running back; we need two since our offensive line is going to suck. Burt Reynolds could coach this crew.

Offensive Line

With John Candy and Chris Farley no longer with us I’m afraid we’d have to go with John Goodman, James Gandolfini, and Kevin James.

Our hope is that these guys will at least be able to use their big bodies to get in the way long enough for Bruce Willis and LL Cool J to do some magic. I don’t have much hope for these guys, but I really wanted to keep my best big men for the defense.

Wide Receivers

For this position I tried to think of flashy, ego maniacs who can take a hit over the middle and came up with Johnny Knoxville, Robert Downey Jr., Ashton Kutcher and Brad Pitt.

Tight Ends

Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, and Brad Garrett – these dudes will be killer going over the middle; first-down machines!

Defense

Offense wins games, but defense wins championships. So with that in mind I kept the best athletes for this side of the ball. We’re running a 3-4 scheme.

Defensive Line (Nose Guard & D-Ends)

NG: Billy Gardel – For a 3-4 we need a big, ‘ole run stopper and this rotund one is perfect. Jonah Hill and Artie Lange will be his back ups.

DE: Michael Clarke Duncan and Terry Crews – Now tell me you can’t see these two muscle bond bad asses destroying QBs from the end?

Pro Bowler turned Little House On The Prairie actor Merlin Olsen could lead this corps. He probably wouldn’t mind some help from Police Academy’s Hightower, Bubba Smith, Webster’s dad and former Detroit Lion Alex Karras, or current FOX analyst and Broken Arrow cast member Howie Long.

Linebackers

ILB: Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham

The Transporter looks like he has the athleticism and anger issues to stop the run. The Rock use to be a pretty good defensive linemen, and I bet he could still tear it up if he wanted to. Most linemen dream about being able to play in a two-point stance and since we are in Hollywood we might as well give him a shot.

Al Bundy himself Ed O’Neill could coach these hard hittin’ hombres alongside Apollo Creed Carl Weathers, and Dick Butkus. Yes, he was Polk High’s QB/RB on Married With Children but he was signed to play LB for the Steelers before being cut.

OLB: Vin Diesel and Bill Goldberg

With a name like Diesel, Vin should have been playing football. Goldberg was an Atlanta Falcon before (legally) spearing dudes in the ring.

Defensive Backs

Chris Rock, Jet Li, Chuck Norris, Dean Cain

Dean Cain was a standout free safety at Princeton University; I see him emerging from many a pile ups with the ball. Rock’s slick at corner and Li’s quick hands should be great jamming WRs off the line. Norris will end people if they get hung out to dry on a high pass.