Celebrity WAGs Most Likely To Murder Someone

The Next Three Days came out this past weekend. The film stars Elizabeth Banks as a woman accused of murder. Her husband, played by Russell Crowe, attempts to clear her name. The thriller got us thrilled about all the crazy wives and girlfriends (WAGs) who could potentially murder someone, whether it be their mate, their extramarital date, or Jon and Kate Plus 8. Sure, we all get upset at our significant others once in a while and maybe we even fantasize about doin’ some damage but a lil’ thing called reason comes into our head and we chill the F out. We’re not so sure the same would happen for these wild WAGs.

Heidi Montag

This woman was already certifiable for hooking up with Spencer Pratt than she went and destroyed her natural beauty for a trampy, plastic surgery, fake look. It wouldn’t be surprising to hear about her standing over the bodies of Spencer and her plastic surgeon.

Sharon Osbourne

She has to be a little kooky already having been married to the Prince of Darkness for as long as she has been. While they are happy now they have not always been that way. The two were at one time infamous for the drug and alcohol induced fights that they always had. Ozzie was even arrested for attempted murder in ’89 for trying to choke Sharon while he was wasted.

It has been years since there have been any reported incidents, but there is no telling when an episode could be triggered causing her to relapse into the person that was getting choked and is suddenly tired of it. Plus if you’ve ever watched her on Charm School you know she’s a nut job.

Angelina Jolie

She’s the ultimate Hollywood serial killer. She’s gorgeous, she’s got an estranged father, she’s constantly in the tabloids, her man may be running around on her with his ex-wife, plus she has done enough stunt killing that she must have picked a few things up. If she ever actually caught Brad with Jennifer I would not be surprised if she snapped. Plus the woman use to carry a vial of her husband’s blood. Creepy.

Britney Spears

This might not have been surprising a few years ago when she started dating K-Fed, or when she married him, or when she had kids and made a reality show with him. One would have hoped that she would do better once she got divorced, but the hair cutting incident and just about everything else she has done in the last few years have proved otherwise. Crazy is as crazy does of course. She would have the perfect catch phrase if she did go serial killer someday: Oops, I did it again!

Photo by Dave Edwards ©

Winona Ryder

From 1988’s Beetlejuice to 1989’s Heathers to 1999’s Girl, Interrupted, it seems Winona’s always playing slightly off-kilter characters who are surrounded by death. She also suffers from anxiety and depression and was arrested for shoplifting. She was engaged to Johnny Depp for 5 years before they split. How can any guy compare to Johnny Depp!? I’m worried she might come after ME after reading this. Gotta go!


Before there was Lady Gaga, there was Bjork. Her music’s weird. Outfits weird. The way she talks, walks, moves. It’s like she’s not of this Earth. We’re pretty open-minded here and that’s why we can very easily see her take an ax to someone as part of some interpretative dance / performance art piece. Don’t worry tickets are free.

Courtney Love

Unpredictable, edgy, and unafraid. For one hot second some thought she might’ve had something to do with Kurt’s suicide. We’ll most likely read about the murder she’s committed over Twitter but it will take days possibly weeks for people to decipher what she actually meant before an arrest is made.

© Splash News and Pictures

Kirstie Alley

She was feisty on Cheers and has a gaze that can cut through steel. Combine that with a weight issue that is shoved in her face 24/7 and the fact she’s a Scientologist and you have the makings of passionate crime. She’ll lure you in with a “free stress test” then steal your soul or something. Frickin’ Zenu.

Mariah Carey

There are tomes upon tomes of stories about Mariah’s reported craziness. Unstable, overly emotional. She can belt out the high note but she could also probably belt out a hit – one that doesn’t end up on the Billboard 100. You’re a brave soul, Nick Cannon. We will miss you.

Lindsay Lohan

This fiery redhead is constantly in the news for all the wrong reasons. And to think she’s only 24. Cocaine, pills, booze, anklet, rehab, crazy dad, crazier mom, possibly lesbian, maybe bisexual, obsessed over Sam Ronson, likes to play with knives (see pic above). All that makes for one hell of a ride in the sack. Picture Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct times a million. The kinkiest, dirtiest, rawest sex you’ve ever had followed by your own decapitation. Hey, at least, you go out on top… or bottom… LiLo seems like she prefers to be on top.

Janice Dickinson

Uh. Newsflash. JD was actually really really really hot before she completely disfigured herself via plastic surgery. Anyone who is willing to annihilate herself is more than capable of doing the same to someone else. We’re thinking she does it torture porn style – like Hostel meets Human Centipede. I just sh*t myself.

Naomi Campbell

Naomi’s been known to fly off the handle once or thrice. Maybe she’s just hungry? How will she off her victim? Easy! Meat grinder. Mold the remains into a nice looking patty and eat it. Then barf it up, of course… TO BE EATEN AGAIN! Jeez, Naomi.


Amy Winehouse

If you need us to help convince you this woman is homicidal then you have incredible faith in humanity. We’re not talking second chances here, there’s literally NO WAY to make you count someone out. I mean, do you really think people are logical after an 8 ball and a mainline? Ride the dragon? She’s riding an entire fleet of mythical creatures straight into someone’s forehead. We imagine her death delivery would come via needles.

Grace Jones

LOOK at that picture. LOOK AT IT! You’re telling me she’s not capable? That she hasn’t ALREADY taken down someone…FOR FUN?! She LOVES it! It’s like sex to her! She prob c*ms when you void your bowels. Yikes. Can you imagine her and LiLo in a scissor session? Wow.

Joan Crawford

We’re going old school on this one. She’s a classic rags to riches story that ended up being “box office poison” by the end of the 30s. Well, there’s your clue right there. If she were to off someone, she’d flirt with you, waning between hot and sensual and certifiably insane, right before you drink your wine and croak. Need another hint? Her favorite 80s hair band would be Poison.

Faye Dunaway

Faye was another one of those women who was hot then… something happened. She adopted a kid and claimed she gave birth to him. Then she starred in Mommie Dearest (WITH JOAN CRAWFORD – THEY’RE IN CAHOOTS!). That’s… interesting.

Helena Bonham-Carter

Anyone who can play Marla Singer in Fight Club has a screw loose. She IS Marla Singer. Marla Singer exists. She’s been “in a relationship” with Tim Burton since 2001 and they live in neighboring houses that connect via doorway because they can’t live in the same house with each other. Uh, how is Tim still alive?

Jordan aka Katie Price

By far, the HOTTEST crazy WAG on our list, she once wanted to stream her child birth over the internet but decided against it. She’s suffered a miscarriage, had an abortion, been married and divorced, and there are reports her second marriage, a private ceremony in Vegas, wasn’t legal. She also claims to have been raped by a famous celebrity, but won’t reveal who it was. Her sex tape is off the chain, btw. Tough to say how she’d off you. We’re guessing it would be bludgeoning with one of her many books or possibly applying a new toxic cosmetic line on you that would eat your skin to the bone.

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