How To NOT Get Laid At A Wedding [RENATA’S RECOS]

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Want to better understand the female mind? Want to improve your chances of getting laid? Want to take a break from staring at boobies? Then we highly recommend checking out “Renata’s Recos” (as in Recommendations).

Who’s Renata?

She’s a single, sarcastic smartass who knows guys are a little stupid and girls are crazy. She likes guys who make her laugh, girls who don’t make other girls look bad, bars where girls can drink bottled beer without getting dirty looks and anyone who makes more pop culture references than she does.

Her inaugural post focuses on how to act at a wedding if you DON’T want to get laid. Enjoy!

Guys, if you’re looking to roll up on girls who are already half in the bag, wearing cleavage-y dresses and trying to forget they’re miles away from walking down the aisle themselves, a wedding is your perfect chance. If you play your cards right, it should be like shooting fish in a barrel. But since that’s a big should, the opportunity for things to go awry is heightened, so here’s what you should definitely NOT do. Ever. Under any circumstances.

1. Loudly ask the bride which one of her friends is most likely to “put out” at the wedding.

Chances are the trampy friends will be revealed after a few glasses of Chardonnay, it’s not like they’re going to raise their hands and identify themselves to you. At least I hope not.


2. Ogle, fondle or anything else ending with “le” any female generous enough to dance with you.

That’s assault, brotha, and to most of us it’s a turn off.


3. Forget her name.

Maybe it’s because I have the most ambiguously ethnic name ever, or just because boys have the memory retention skills of a Skittle, but once you’ve narrowed down which female you’d like to take down, I mean woo with your charm, you should at the very least remember her name. Even the most laid back chick among us will recoil if you mess up basic biographical information.

4. Attempt the old bait-and-switch.

Read: don’t roll up on one of our friends and make out with them by the coat check somewhere and then try to change your target and come after us a few beers later. Unless girl #2 is either a) blackout drunk or b) has major daddy issues this type of behavior will either get you a kick in the junk or a drink in the face, trust me.

5. Pout if you go home alone.

Seriously – if you’ve spent part of the night investing your time into tricking some girl into thinking you actually care what she’s saying, only to turn around and go all “belligerent Neanderthal” on us when your advances are rebuked, then you’ve made a grievous error. If you keep your cool and depart like a gentleman, you may actually have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting somewhere with her on the second date. Wait a second, who am I kidding, second date? Nevermind, moving right along…

THE REMAINING RECO: BE YOURSELF

I know, I sound like a bad after school special and I’m about one sweater vest away from being Danny Tanner on Full House, but it’s true. Whether you’re a nerd, a dumbass, Prince Charming, a criminal or the biggest d-bag in the room, there’s probably a girl out there who’s into that. Seriously, there is.  And when you find that elusive girl who actually likes you because of that thing – not despite it – hold onto her with both hands. And whatever you do, don’t forget her name.

Have questions for Renata? Send them to neal@teamcoed.com.

Liked this? Check out these:
How to Pull Off The Ultimate Dude Wedding
An Idiot’s Guide to Dressing Right
6 Ways To Screw Up Online Dating
The 7 Worst Places to Meet Women

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