COED’s Guide to Defeating The Cock-Blocking Roomate

By Edit Posted in College, Culture, News-ish

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cock-block-defeat

It’s happened to every college guy. You’re out drinking, you meet a nice girl, things are going great, and you decide to head back to her place because she “has Nintendo Wii and wants to beat you in bowling.”

On the way to her apartment you’re thinking that maybe tonight is the night to try that new move you saw on FHM’s Kama Sutra, until you walk in the front door and find yourself staring into the eyes of the anti-Christ herself: the cock-blocking roommate.

Here are a few tips on how to defeat this evil enemy and ultimately get you little pencil wet.

Avoid Conversation at All Costs

You can’t let the cock-blocker’s tractor beam of b*tch suck you in. The first thing she’ll probably do is give you a pissed of look and say, “Who are you?” Introduce yourself and immediately retreat. Any further conversation will only make things worse. Remember, she wants to find your weaknesses so she can exploit them in front of the girl you want to f**k. You must be strong and not give her any personal information. Think of her as Hannibal Lecter: the more you tell her, the more fuel she has for her super cock-blocking intellect.

Don’t Eat Anything

Eating the wrong thing can be a catastrophic disaster. You may want a handful of those Doritos on the counter, but if they’re the cock-blockers Doritos then you’re screwed. In her eyes, this is a sign of rudeness, which she will in turn use as an excuse to hate you. Plus, there’s a good chance that she’s fat and really wants to eat the rest of those Doritos. Never mess with a fat cock-blocker’s munchies!

Don’t Touch the TV

You might really wanna see how the Monday Night Football game ended, but you better believe that if you turn off The Hills to check the score, you’re in for a cock-blocking sh*t storm of epic proportions. “Umm, I was watching that”, she’ll say as your d*ck puts on its pajamas and goes to bed. You can always watch SportsCenter in the morning. For now, you need to distract the enemy any way you can so you’re able to sneak away and make moves.

Turn On the “A-Game”

Your best weapon in this battle is the girl you want to get busy with. She knows the cock-blocker’s strengths and weaknesses. Once inside, turn on your best game and concentrate solely on your girl while completely ignoring the cock-blocker. You may have thought it was in the bag, but now it’s time to drive it home. But be careful, too big of a public display of affection could infuriate the cock-blocker and drive her to do irrational things, like becoming emotional and demanding your girl’s moral support. If this happens, start thinking about which porn site you’re going to jerk off to later, because once a girl’s friend starts crying, the pu**y closes up shop.

Give Her a Small Compliment

This one is only to be used in dire circumstances. It pains me to tell the enemy that I “really like her Uggs”, but the fact is you’re at war, and desperate times call for desperate measures. Plus, on your way out in the morning you can always tell her that you were just kidding and that she should burn those things.

Things to Remember: The cock-blocking roommate has no fear. The years of social rejection and sexual vacancy have made her bitter and vengeful. She is like a Kamikaze pilot who’ll do anything to destroy you and ruin your chances of f**king her roommate. Because she has never succeeded, she wants nobody to succeed. Remember this and you shall defeat the cock-blocker.

But if everything fails and there’s no chance of hooking up with your girl, just call the roommate fat and walk out. You may not get any ass, but at least you’ll finish with a laugh.

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