6 Places You Don’t Want to Get Caught Fapping

By Edit Posted in Culture, Funny, News-ish

There are a ton of places you can masturbate privately and safely. Yet, there are some folks (*cough* George Michael *cough* Paul Reubens*) who just can’t keep it in their pants. Recently, ESPN producer Neil Goldberg was caught masturbating on a stool outside his neighbor’s window while she got dressed. While we admire Neil’s gusto, we suggest taking the easy route and taping her for viewing enjoyment later. No harm. No foul. Right, Erin Andrews?  Here are the six WORST places to get caught pullin’ the pud…


At School

If you’re still in high school it may be prudent to NOT masturbate in your 3rd period Math class. What if you have to get in front of the class and solve a problem on the board? Everyone gets to see how excited you were for class today. As for college, make sure your roommate isn’t coming back any time soon. How embarrassing would that be?


At Your Job

Besides being automatically terminated for a slew of state and probably federal offenses, indecently exposing yourself to your employees may get you some unwanted attention both good and bad. Take it to the employee stall, and try to keep it quick. Your manager may start wondering where you went. Make sure you wash your hands when you’re done too; it’s employee policy. If your co-worker asks you why you’re sweating, tell them you were looking forward to working hard!


At a Funeral

The only funeral where it would be okay or even encouraged to masturbate would most likely be at your virginity’s or communism’s. Take a look at this viking funeral. If we take that into consideration, masturbating seems tame compared to that.


In Public Places

Everyone has seem some crazy shi*t when they go out and about; couples arguing in the food court, security guards chasing down thieves.  But some lonely man sitting in the corner booth at Denny’s crankin’ one out? Hopefully not. If this applies to you, seek help, or at least go to White Castle.

AP Photo/Matt Sayles

At The Movie Theater

Look what happened to Pee Wee Herman. To his credit, he was in an adult movie theater. We know Inception was intense and awesome, but not fire-off-a-couple-knuckle-children awesome. If you do get that feeling though, wait until the action scenes. With all the excitement on screen, you could pull it off. Especially now that everything’s in 3D. They’ll just think it’s debris from an explosion. A ROMANTIC EXPLOSION!


In Your Friend’s Room

Just because you’re friends doesn’t mean you can beat off in his bedroom. That’s like wearing his boxers, shaving with his razor, or using his toothbrush. That’s some serious Single White Female type sh*t right there.

Where would you not want to get caught masturbating? Suggest some in the comments.

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