What The H Are The Rangers Wearing Around Their Necks?
The Texas Rangers are poised to win their first AL pennant ever with a win over the New York Yankees tonight. Some have attributed their success to Josh Hamilton’s resurgence after an injury plagued finale to the regular season. Some say the pitching has been lights out, holding the Yankees scoreless and often hitless throughout the series. But, would anyone give credit to the weird, otherworldly necklaces they wear?
Originally, we thought the necklaces were part of a cult the Rangers formed. Think about it, Hamilton’s “born again”, one of their pitchers is a devoted straight edge “Taoist” and they celebrated their ALDS series win over strip club empire Tampa Bay with … soda. We’re not even asking what’s in the soda and we wouldn’t have been surprised if they all ended up toes up wearing black Nikes. Or should we say, “Antlers up”?
However, after distinctly telling friends and family the necklace was a symbol of their dedication to a cult, we soon found out the necklaces were made by a Japanese company called Phiten. Among the pro athletes officially endorsing the product are Red Sox pitchers Josh Beckett, Jon Lester, Yanks flamethrower Joba Chamberlain, Tigers stud Justin Verlander, and Twins backstop Joe Mauer. Their tagline? Experience the energy.
Uh, so, how do they work? Well, according to the company, they:
“…relieve fatigue by balancing the body’s signals running from brain to the body and thus regulating the body’s ‘bio-electric currents’ through … the ‘Phild process,’ which turns titanium water-soluble, allowing it to be integrated into the fabric of the person wearing it.”
Many in the science community believe their claims to be “pseudoscience”, which is a great name for a band.
Athletes are always looking for a competitive edge whether by hook or by crook – we think the Steroid Era is just one glaring example of the latter. But this new fad seems more hocus pocus than performance enhancing accessory. We’ve seen teams grow the playoff beard, and then we’ve seen the Rally Monkey inspire the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim’s 2002 World Series title, but a necklace that gives superpowers? What is this? A ghetto version of Green Lantern?
They struggled mightily down the final stretch of the regular season and only won the division because the division SUCKS. Now they’re inching closer and closer to their first World Series title. Cliff Lee has flipped the switch, Josh Hamilton’s crushing, and there are antlers EVERYWHERE.
Maybe the clubhouse knew it was time to rise. Maybe there were some inspirational speeches. Or maybe…
it must be the necklace!
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