7 Old People That Could Kick Your Ass
The upcoming action flick “Red” follows Frank Moses, a retired CIA agent (Bruce Willis) as he reassembles his former team (Helen Mirren, John Malkovich and Morgan Freeman) to squash an assassin’s murderous plot. The movie clearly shows how people in their twilight years can be edgy as hell — the tagline is “Still armed. Still dangerous. Still got it.” Which got us thinking — which wise and wizened celebs would be worthy of joining Moses’s old people task force?
1. Tom Selleck (65)
The hirsute private investigator busted crooks and banged Hawaiian chicks on “Magnum, P.I.” and now plays a police chief on ABC’s new drama “Blue Bloods,” which has gotten pretty sweet reviews. His real-life shooting skills would make him a welcome addition to any anti-assassin lineup.
2. Captain Chelsey “Sully” Sullenberger (59)
Ranking in as one of the younger members of the team, Sully brings a level head, quiet confidence and flying finesse, clearly demonstrated when he saved 155 people by pulling off an emergency landing in the Hudson River last year. We’re thinking the dude can chopper agents into secret volcano lairs, then make a covert landing in the thick of the nearby rainforest.
3. Jack LaLanne (96)
The juicer-peddling former bodybuilder has a laundry list of feats that’s nothing short of breathtakingly badass. Maybe it’s the carrot smoothies, his exercise regimen or rejection of processed foods, but we know this “godfather of fitness” is spry enough to take on any enemy foot soldier.
4. Jane Fonda (72)
Let’s face it. Jane Fonda’s still hot, and every team needs a femme fatale. Another older celeb who’s still fitness-focused, the actress who once posed for “Penthouse” has been making exercise videos since the ’80s. “Hanoi Jane” isn’t afraid to speak her mind and put herself out there, and moxie’s something you need if you’re to be included in a team of crime-fighters.
5. Keiko Fukuda (96)
Never heard of her? Introducing the highest-ranked female judo practitioner in history. And oh, yeah — she’s the last surviving student of the guy who founded judo. We see her as the Professor X of this hypothetical squad, acting as mastermind and training the others in the ways of martial arts (as she does in real life to this day, in San Francisco).
6. Hulk Hogan (57)
By including Hulk in the list we’re afraid he’d try to make the experience into a reality show. Counterintuitive if you’re an undercover agent, but he’s a ripped powerhouse nonetheless.
7. Chuck Norris (70)
Probably the most obvious choice, but let’s be real. The guy’s a task force in and of himself.