The Social Network poked and friended its way to the top spot at the box office last weekend pulling in $22 mil. Case 39 magically appeared above the #8 slot occupied by Let Me In. So, a little girl who’s almost killed by her parents, beat out a little girl who kills parents. What’s the lesson here? Don’t have girls. This week’s entries feature an antsy prisoner, ungodly godparents, John Lennon, crazy love, dumb teenagers, female empowerment, pimps, hos, and a writer you might not want to rape. So, stop working on that super secret PowerPoint and read these previews, Karen!
My Soul To Take
A serial killer called “The Ripper” returns to a quaint town to murder 7 children born the night he allegedly died sixteen years ago. The teens this whackjob’s tracking down believe his soul is in one of their bodies. Only one of the teenagers knows the answer and my guess is it’s the kid whose dad went insane and committed terrifying crimes. Just a hunch. So, the kid (who’s named “Bug” btw) has been experiencing nightmares since infancy, but is oblivious to his pop being the Ripper. I’m sorry, did I give away the ending? Well, at least you’ll still get that handy in the back row of the theater, right?
The Weinstein Company
This drama tells the story of deceased Beatles member John Lennon’s teenage years when he formed The Quarrymen then eventually the Beatles. It also follows the impact of the two dominatrices… nope, sorry, dominant females in his life – his mom and his aunt – in addition to the initial meeting with fellow Beatle Paul McCartney. Let me say this, I saw the trailer and this young actor really nails Lennon. Not literally. THAT would be like taking a yellow submarine through strawberry fields with diamonds in the sky. Where am I?
Be sure to check out our rare Beatles photos! Happy birthday, John Lennon!
It’s Kind Of A Funny Story
A 16-year old checks himself into a psychiatric hospital and attempts to endure his mandatory five day stay without completely losing his mind. He becomes buddy buddy with portly man with a beard who looks A LOT like Zach Galifianakis. He also falls for another patient who likes to wear a “i hate boys” t-shirt. Those hipsters, man. They get it. By the way, “bird-dogging chicks” is the catchphrase of 2010.
Ed Norton stars as Gerald “Stone” Creeson who’s serving time for Arson. He tries to manipulate his Parole Officer played by Robert De Niro into setting him free early by playing psychological games and having his wife – played by Milla Jovovich – seduce him. Am I missing something here? Just chill out, Ed Norton. Your time will come. Anyone else think Norton and Jovovich make a weird couple? You know for a sec, I thought this was Oliver Stone’s biopic. Someone needs to make that. But completely blow it out of proportion. Shot in Stone’s style, of course. I’m looking at your Bruckheimer and Bay.
Life As We Know It
A caterer and a promising network sports director f***ing hate each other after the world’s worst first date, yet somehow their both godparents to this lil’ baby, Sophie. My guess is Sophie’s parents punch their ticket to the big show in the sky leaving the lil’ one with these 2 disasters. Katherine Heigl plays the caterer, Fergie’s husband plays the immature slacker network sports director. If you think for one goddam second they don’t bang in this picture, you need to change out of those pajamas and get out there and get some strange ass. Everyone knows babies make chicks super duper horny.
A housewife and mother agrees to take over her ailing father’s stable despite her lack of horse-racing knowledge. With the help of a veteran trainer she manages to pwn the male-dominated business, ultimately fostering the first Triple Crown winner in 25 years and what may be the greatest racehorse of all time. Yeah! GIRL POWER! Let’s all do each other’s nails, gossip about boys, and watch Gossip Girl. Let’s be honest here, chicks love horses because they like how it feels on their privates. End. Of. Story.
Down For Life
A 15-year old Latina gang leader in Watts named “Rascal” realizes her days in the gang are numbered. Her English teacher encourages her to apply for a writing program in Iowa, so she decides to write about her life. Only problem is she’s in a gang. And once you’re in a gang, you can’t get out. Well, you can get murdered. That’s one way. I guess there’s no easy way out, which Rocky Balboa can attest to. Dude had to fight a GARGANTUAN Russian just to end the Cold War. Where’s Jesse Jackson when you need him?
Are you a pimp or are you a ho? This film examines not only the superficial layers of that question – do you collect money from a woman that has sex for money or are you the woman who has sex for money and gives up a portion to a man that “owns” you – but extends to every other branch of society. Basically, are you a dominant or a submissive? Do you take sh*t or do you give sh*t? The film includes interviews with notable entertainers and thinkers such as Ice-T, KRS-One, and Too Short. It also includes a colorful contingent of street characters, with names such as Fillmore Slim, Candy, Hook da Crook, Loreal, Mac Breed and Lo Da Show. If were a pimp, I’d welcome every new ho with a rendition of “You’s a Hoe” by Ludacris.
I Spit On Your Grave
This is a remake of the 1978 film of the same name. It’s a “rape and revenge” horror film that follows a writer who is left for dead after she’s brutalized during her cabin retreat. The writer’s played by Sarah Butler, who’s done appearances on CSI NY and Miami. Let me just say this, Sarah Butler, I would NEVER spit on your grave. Like the act of spitting. My spit might end up on there for a different reason. (HINT: I’m a necrophiliac)