Nothing gets a girl hotter than a sharp, trendsetter in the know on the latest Hip Sips . . .ok maybe a set of washboard abs and a Black Amex Card, but neither of those is readily available for under $50 bucks at the local corner liquor shop. So when you’re done cranking out crunches, and listing the bullsh*t jobs (ahem) I mean – “Valuable Work Experience” on your resume, run down to your nearest booze peddler, hold him down and force him to order these brands for your home bar.
Absolute was your Dad’s vodka, and Grey Goose is for making cosmos for annoying girls. Monopolowa, on the other hand, is a Polish recipe vodka, distilled from potatoes and currently produced in Austria, which represents a retro “Back to Basic” approach to vodka.
Being as I don’t have a vagina, I believe that vodka should come in exactly one flavor – vodka Flavor – and Monopolawa does just that, avoiding the common pitfalls of grain based Vodkas. Monopolowa consistently scores top marks, even outscoring a few “sacred cows” at twice the price.
So throw out that stupid Brita Pitcher filter thing that you think is so cool, go the extra $3 bucks and grab the Monopolowa. Everyone will be better off for your choice (except for Brita, I guess, but f*ck them).
Voodoo Tiki Platinum Tequila
Let’s face it, tequila makes clothes come off. The challenge is getting it down. But with a clean, herbal and pear-like quality and no bite, Voodoo Tiki Tequila is less a tequila and more of a weapon – one that needs a space in every bachelor pad. At $50 a bottle, Voodoo Tiki knocks “el sombrero” off the competition – even rating higher than Patron Platinum (a $300 bottle!)
As far as bottle looks go, this product utterly rewrites the category. This brand is “Conversation Lubrication” – There’s a “Magical Tiki” inside the bottle! (seriously! I’m not even that drunk yet! There’s a Tiki inside!) Spin it around and you’ll find one of the hundreds of “Magic Words” also unique to VT, most which somehow relate back to the proposition of getting naked (Coincidence? I think not – Apparently the brand creators are quite the wingman! Thank you VT.)
But if 100% blue agave, and more sex appeal than you could stuff into an empty tequila bottle isn’t enough, check out their downloadable recipe guide (100 margaritas!)
Now, with all that, if you STILL can’t get laid, stop reading this immediately and call that freak on VH1 with the aviator goggles and the black painted nails because I don’t know that to tell you bro.
Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve
Rated a whopping 98 by the Beverage Tasting Institute, Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve is, hands-down, one of the best bourbons on the market.
At 15 years old and 107 proof, Van Winkle’s (no relation to the famous narcoleptic Rip) is a value-priced younger expression of their famous (read “not cheap”) 20 year old Pappy Van Winkle Family Reserve.
Produced according to their exclusive family recipe, the stuff remains undisturbed for 15 years to age in deep-charred, heavy oak barrels, which for me gave the stuff real depth of flavor with surprisingly little heat for a 107 proof liquor. I love it, and highly recommend it as the only 15 year old that you pay any attention to. (Seriously! I mean it! Yes, in the way you’re thinking as well.)
Angostura 1919 Rum
That dusty bottle of Bacardi on your bar isn’t impressing anyone except the Bat’s shareholders. Which is why you should pick up a bottle of the far-superior Angostura 1919.
With the first rich, golden-amber sip, you’ll be washed in a complex bouquet of cocoa, molasses, caramel and vanilla, derived from the flavors of imported charred oak bourbon barrels. This stuff just screams big easy chair, smoking jacket and cigar! Grab a brandy snifter or rocks glass, pour yourself two fingers, and stretch out.
You might feel a touch of blasphemy swirling some Coca Cola into a rocks glass of 1919 for your date, but do not resist the urge. This one goes good with everything – one night stands included.
Johnnie Walker Pure Malt, Green Label
In 1995 when phones were connected to the wall by a wire, your pops drove to work on a triceratops, Al Gore could give a sh*t about the environment and our president was wasting the fringe benefits that come with being the most powerful man on the planet on a “6” (at best) the scotch companies conceded that they have “lost a generation of drinkers.” Gentleman, it is time we return.
Recently Johnnie Walker began importing, Green Label into the US. Unlike other JW bottlings. Green Label is a vatted malt (as opposed to a blended malt, which include an unaged grain alcohol) with a fresh and distinctive flavor that Johnnie Walker claims is created by blending single malt whiskies, specially selected for their intensity of flavors and aromas.
I get pepper and oak for sure, and then some light fruit which offers a bit of sweetness. Admittedly when it comes to Scotch I’ve always been more of an “Eh, not for me” guy. But if I’m going for Scotch, Johnnie Walker Green Label is the one . . . unless, of course, you’re buying. How’s that Black Card application coming?