Here in America, people can choose pretty much whatever job they want. As long as you get an appropriate education, work hard and keep a good head on your shoulders, your future is what you want it to be. But there are some jobs out there that are guaranteed to wither that charming personality of yours into a bitter, nasty dickwad. So, in no particular order, here are 10 Jobs That Will Turn You into a Total Dick.
1. Debt Collector
I can’t really hold it against these tenacious sons-of-bitches for calling me all the damn time. It’s not their fault I didn’t pay off my student loans. After getting your voicemail for two years, you figure they’d catch the hint, that you aren’t interested in taking their call.
Sadly, it doesn’t happen. And they keep calling. Until one day you answer, and they guilt you into coughing up $1,200 that you don’t have, which is why you’ve been ignoring them in the first place. For some twisted reason, this is perfectly acceptable. But it still doesn’t want to make me kill my phone any less…
If they’re on your side, it’s awesome. But if they’re trying to get you convicted of manslaughter when you were actually smoking weed and playing Xbox at the time – eh, not so much. However, it is their job to argue the parameters of the law. And that means being both highly argumentative and extremely nitpicky, which are fine traits for lawyering, but pretty freakin’ obnoxious when you’re not in a court room.
3. Social Services Worker
In America, the conventional wisdom is that ‘the poor’ are lazy, drunk and stupid, suckling on the government teat while they pop out kids just for the sh*ts and giggles.
But in reality, they have to bust their asses twice as hard, just to stay above water. And a large part of that ass-busting involves dealing with social services workers who are supposed to help the unprivileged with acquiring things like food stamps, housing assistance, Medicade, etc. But because their clientèle are all too poor to complain for fear of losing their life-saving benefits, social service workers are able to be as slow, incompetent and unfair as they like. Hahahahaha… stupid poor people.
You’d think that someone whose profession revolves around making people feel better would be good at, you know, making people feel better. But if your experience has been anything like mine, getting some antibiotics usually involves being talked down to for the few minutes the doctor’s in the room, learning about what a dumbass you are for not taking your omega-3s.
5. DMV Agent
Maybe it’s the endless sea of forms, maybe it’s the soul crushing monotony, maybe it’s the lighting -whatever it is, being a DMV agent can turn even the sweetest person into a helpless asswipe. Add that to the fact that nobody who goes to the DMV is happy to be there, and you end up with a real sh*tstorm of suckitude on your hands.
Of course, any job that requires you to deal with the general public for any amount of time makes you hate everyone – because everyone’s a g*ddamn retard. But that doesn’t mean you’re not a complete punkass by the end of the work day, yourself.
When you answer to nobody but your own creative instincts, your agent and a bottle of Jack Daniels, it’s pretty hard to not become a raging sh*thead. And if you’re extremely talented and/or successful the task of remaining a pleasant human being becomes that much more difficult. Luckily, most of us don’t have to deal with full-time musicians on a regular basis, so if they want to be an asshole while they crank out rockin’ tunes, so be it.
7. Drug Dealer
Depending on the goods this guy is dealing, he could just be a douchebag to begin with. For instance, if someone deals crack and crystal meth to middle schoolers, that’s just a bad person. If he’s just your average weed dealer, on the other hand, he’s probably a fairly friendly individual. But because he smokes weed constantly – and because he doesn’t have a boss – he’ll probably leave you waiting anxiously for 4 hours for him to show up with the goods. And then, once he gets there, he’ll want to smoke the weed you just bought, play video games for a few hours and then pass out on your couch. Not cool, dude. Not cool…
8. Immigration/Border Officer
Like police officers, immigration officers are paid to be somewhat dickish. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t be doing their jobs well. But that doesn’t change the fact that they make everyone they talk to feel like a secret criminal. Hell, the last time I crossed the border back into the US, the officer nearly had me convinced that I was smuggling drugs and a family of Mexicans in my hatchback.
9. Insurance Agent
Anybody who’s ever had to file an insurance claim knows what complete and total butt-munches insurance agents can be. If the deductible on your car is $1000, you can be sure that the estimate the agent gives you for that banged-in back door will be for something around $1,008.64, just to rub it in. And God forbid you try to get health insurance with a ‘pre-existing condition,’ because you won’t. Which is your fault, really. I mean, what kind of idiot goes out and gets sick. C’mon…
10. Police Officer
No other profession recruits and cultivates as many assholes as the police. In fact, any job with a badge involved, from mall security guards to the FBI, turns even a person with the best intentions into a complete and total dickwad. Maybe it’s the dangers of the job, maybe it’s the people cops have to deal with on a daily basis, maybe it’s just a regular, old power-trip, but no matter how noble it is to “protect and serve,” just know that if you’re a cop, everybody hates you.