If you’re a virgin and you exclusively watch porn, oh boy, are you in for a surprise come prom night. People criticize porn for heightening expectations to near unattainable levels, but mainstream Hollywood doesn’t really do much of a better job keeping expectations in check. Don’t get us wrong, a slim minority of pictures accurately depict sexual relations in a real and emotionally satisfying way — Fast Times at Ridgemont High, American Pie (at least the Tara Reid storyline), and a movie starring Charlize Theron titled, “Intimacy” (Netflix that ‘ish). However, most movies with sex scenes tend to glorify the act, which we have absolutely no issue with. We just don’t think the following sex scenes should get any screen time at the next sex ed class. **ALL VIDEOS ARE NSFW. HELL, THIS WHOLE POST IS NSFW!**
A History of Violence (2005)
Viggo Mortensen and Maria Bello
Come on, a married couple 69ing? You’d have a better chance of a unicorn blowing a minotaur that’s making out with a chupacabra.
Elizabeth Berkleyand Kyle McLachlan
Splish Splash, I was taking a bath…then had what I can only assume is a seizure? Talk about the all-time ejaculation deterrent, you try getting into a rhythm with this thing flopping around on ya.
Y Tu Mama Tambien (2001)
Diego Luna, Gael Garcia Bernal, and Ana Lopez Mercado
Of course, all 28 year old women want to have threesomes with two 17 year old boys. If you’re in high school and reading this, go to more happy hours.
Sharon Stone and William Baldwin
Really creepy guy who is rumored to have murdered the previous occupant? So hot! Not to mention, Stone’s character is borderline crying in what appears to be the world’s slowest and most consensual rape ever and not the first time.
Fight Club (1999)
Brad Pitt and Helena Bonham Carter
When you lose your mind due to sleep deprivation, you can f*ck the snot out of some chick you met in a support group for cancer sufferers… ALL NIGHT LONG and she will scream like she’s birthing a brontosaurus ALL NIGHT LONG without getting sore, passing out, or breaking her mound.
Shoot ‘Em Up (2007)
Clive Owen and Monica Bellucci
Yeah, kind of obvious. Boning Bellucci while shooting at oncoming enemies and not losing his bone-job. Sure, he might get physically aroused by gunfire but with the adrenaline pumping and his concentration most likely on aiming his actual gun over maneuvering his love gun, I don’t buy that he’s able to maintain the barrell if you catch my drift. Then again, I’d be willing to be proven wrong, Ms. Bellucci.