24 Totally Unrealistic Sex Scenes in Movies

By    August 30, 2010 1:30 pm     Posted in Cool Stuff, Dating & Sex, culture, Featured Left, Heavy Player, Lifestyle, Movies, Video   Neal - Johns Hopkins g+ page

If you’re a virgin and you exclusively watch porn, oh boy, are you in for a surprise come prom night. People criticize porn for heightening expectations to near unattainable levels, but mainstream Hollywood doesn’t really do much of a better job keeping expectations in check. Don’t get us wrong, a slim minority of pictures accurately depict sexual relations in a real and emotionally satisfying way — Fast Times at Ridgemont High, American Pie (at least the Tara Reid storyline), and a movie starring Charlize Theron titled, “Intimacy” (Netflix that ‘ish). However, most movies with sex scenes tend to glorify the act, which we have absolutely no issue with. We just don’t think the following sex scenes should get any screen time at the next sex ed class. **ALL VIDEOS ARE NSFW. HELL, THIS WHOLE POST IS NSFW!**

A History of Violence (2005)
Viggo Mortensen and Maria Bello

Come on, a married couple 69ing? You’d have a better chance of a unicorn blowing a minotaur that’s making out with a chupacabra.

Showgirls (1995)
Elizabeth Berkleyand Kyle McLachlan

Splish Splash, I was taking a bath…then had what I can only assume is a seizure? Talk about the all-time ejaculation deterrent, you try getting into a rhythm with this thing flopping around on ya.

Y Tu Mama Tambien (2001)
Diego Luna, Gael Garcia Bernal, and Ana Lopez Mercado

Of course, all 28 year old women want to have threesomes with two 17 year old boys. If you’re in high school and reading this, go to more happy hours.

Sliver (1993)
Sharon Stone and William Baldwin

Really creepy guy who is rumored to have murdered the previous occupant? So hot! Not to mention, Stone’s character is borderline crying in what appears to be the world’s slowest and most consensual rape ever and not the first time.

Fight Club (1999)
Brad Pitt and Helena Bonham Carter

When you lose your mind due to sleep deprivation, you can f*ck the snot out of some chick you met in a support group for cancer sufferers… ALL NIGHT LONG and she will scream like she’s birthing a brontosaurus ALL NIGHT LONG without getting sore, passing out, or breaking her mound.

Shoot ‘Em Up (2007)
Clive Owen and Monica Bellucci

Yeah, kind of obvious. Boning Bellucci while shooting at oncoming enemies and not losing his bone-job. Sure, he might get physically aroused by gunfire but with the adrenaline pumping and his concentration most likely on aiming his actual gun over maneuvering his love gun, I don’t buy that he’s able to maintain the barrell if you catch my drift. Then again, I’d be willing to be proven wrong, Ms. Bellucci.

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    Tags: 40 Days and 40 Nights, A History of Violence, Ace Ventura, American-Pie, Bad Santa, Body of Evidence, Crank, eyes wide shut, Fight-Club, good-luck-chuck, Killing Me Softly, Movies

    Comments

    21 Responses to “24 Totally Unrealistic Sex Scenes in Movies”
    1. Bob says:
      August 30, 2010 at 7:48 pm

      In Gigli…did you ever consider that Jennifer Lopez slept with Ben Affleck coz he looked like one of them feminist, vegan, tree hugging lesbians

    2. H. says:
      September 3, 2010 at 11:50 am

      Apparently you missed one bit of information crucial to your Watchmen argument: Nite Owl didn't come too soon. He was impotent, and getting back into superhero action was the cure. Now even the use of "Hallelujah" in the scene makes sense, doesn't it?

    3. Watchman Watchman says:
      September 4, 2010 at 7:11 am

      I guess that's college for you; you're sexual awkwardness is different from those 30 and over. Still it was pretty obvious he was not aroused. Or, it could be ladies are so pleased to be ladies they cannot imagine such a thing yet.

    4. dude says:
      April 26, 2011 at 8:58 pm

      i came cuz i was horny

    5. ayem says:
      May 30, 2011 at 5:44 pm

      man i cummedd

    6. yep says:
      August 24, 2011 at 9:47 pm

      "Come on, a married couple 69ing?" Sorry to break it to you but not all married couples have boring sex. My wife and I love 69ing and every other position, and no, we're not newlyweds in our 20's.

    7. Jack says:
      August 24, 2011 at 11:20 pm

      the other night i went to a party just like the one in eyes wide shut. the author(s) of this article don't know what he or she or they is/are missing!

    8. Nomad says:
      June 18, 2012 at 7:53 am

      I'm not a math major, but I count six unrealistic scenes. Did anyone get another number closer to 24?

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