School’s starting up again, and that means massive amounts of parties! Wooooo! High five! And needless to say one of the best way to celebrate the start of a new semester is with a theme party. But to keep you from looking like a douchebag right out of the gate, here are the seven theme parties you should absolutely avoid.
1. EDWARD FORTYHANDS PARTY
Listen, I used to be a huge fan of this party. But then I stepped back, I took a deep breath and I realized: THIS IS AWFUL!
Let’s think about this for a second… Each of you get two 40 oz bottles of malt liquor deliciousness (not so bad). Each of you duct tape said 40 oz bottles of goodness to each hand (okay, kinda worried). Each of you drink said 40 oz bottles of bladder drainers without being able to use your hands to unzip your pants, blow your nose, clear your ear hole, or give the finger.
So, what ends up happening? Midway through your second forty, you look around and realize everyone else is coming to the same realization: Why in the F did we do this? Even if something cool happens (projectile vomiting, projectile peeing, or projectile bleeding), no one has the capacity to document it. And your chances of hooking up at one of these parties has two things going for it: Jack and sh*t, and Jack just left town.
2. SEPTEMBER 11th PARTY
Not sure who thought this was cool or hip or ironic, but seriously? You know how it goes: Apparently, there was one at Ohio State University and the girl who was the in north or east or west or south tower said her aunt was one of the people in the towers when the planes hit. What better way to remember her aunt’s legacy then by dressing up as the death trap that didn’t offer an emergency exit for her? Hey, some people say a prayer, some people get a tattoo, some people write in their journal, others re-enact the whole tragedy. Wow.
3. DIAPER PARTY
I got this suggestion and I almost couldn’t respond. My tongue swole up and my innards got to gyratin’.
ME: “Uh… so… everyone is wearing a diaper?”
SUGGESTER: “Just dudes.”
ME: “So, there are girls there?”
SUGGESTER: “No, just dudes.”
ME: “So, it’s a bunch of dudes standing around shitting and pissing themselves?”
SUGGESTER: “Yeah, dude. How hilarious is that?!”
(If I have to explain why this is a sh*tty idea, then you’re on your own.)
4. PORN PARTY
I threw one of these in school. BIG MISTAKE. I thought, Hey, what better way to get people in the mood to eff than throwing on some porn on the ol’ flat screen, burning a CD of porn movie soundtracks, decorating the place with fuzzy handcuffs, dildos, vibrators, and nudie mags, and slightly modifying Beer Pong (aka Beirut) to be Boobroot where the rules are – if you get shutout you have to finger your partner?
You don’t even want to know what double backs meant.
A total of 5 girls showed up and three of them were from Towson (shout out to the Tigers – you guys know how to party). NO ONE had sex. Some people swore off parties altogether. Come to think of it, the dog we adopted not two days prior DIED the next day. Yes, I’m an idiot…
5. FOAM PARTY
I’m gonna catch a lot of shit for this one, but, in the long run, you will F’n thank me. On paper, Foam Parties = F*ck Fests. Spring Break wouldn’t be where it is now if it weren’t for soap, water, and expulsion mechanisms. But for this one to have any chance at being fun, someone needs to develop a foam that doesn’t cause Swine Flu-like rashes! The next day you feel like you slept with a smoothy of Gonorrhea, Diarrehea, and Amy Winehouse.
6. SWINGERS PARTY
You’ve thrown the porn party with zero success. You decide, Okay, f**k it. I need to select better people, people who aren’t F’n around when it comes to F’n around. You invite shady janitor, weed hook-up, sister’s roommate’s sister, and very young looking girl with braces that several questionable friends have vouched for. It’s all good until you’re either A) the odd man out or B) you’re the odd man in. Didn’t you see “Bruno?”
7. FURRY PARTY
Everyone knows a furry. He’s the guy who loves to wear costumes. He was the high school mascot, college mascot, grad school mascot, car dealer mascot, random guy skateboarding through a park while dressed as Cookie Monster on a Tuesday. I’m not knocking this guy. I’m a big proponent of “don’t knock it ’til you try it”.
Every man, however, has his limits. Wearing a costume and sweating your ass off as you try to pound another furry critter that you can’ t definitively tell is male or female just seems a little extreme. And not Mountain Dew extreme, but straight-up F’ing crazy.