Expendables shot its way to #1 whlie Eat Pray Queef ate prayed and queefed its way into the second slot. Scott Pilgrim failed to conquer America, coming in at #5. There are like 80 movies releasing this week, so you might want to grab a sandwich or a snack. Hold your breath, we’re goin’ in!
The Weinstein Company
To be honest, I initially wrote this campy horror flick off. Little by little, it’s grown on me. From the parody of Girls Gone Wild with Jerry O’Connell subbing in for Joe Francis to the bodacious brit Kelly Brook posing for Playboy to the cast’s FunnyorDie video vying for an Oscar, the ballad about mini-biters has me gnawing at the bit. The fact it’s in 3D sort of makes my nether regions tingle, but I think that might be a result of my trip to Vegas. Hills Have Eyes director Alexandre Aja does his best Spielberg impression working from a script written by Pete “I Expect You To Die, Mr. Bond” Goldfinger (Sorority Row) and Josh Stolberg (Good Luck Chuck). So, expect sharp dialogue. Whoa, my sarcasm meter just broke! Pic is set on Lake Havasu-like Lake Victoria during Spring Break when flocks of frisky females and frat dudes come to “study”. A sudden underwater earthquake opens an underwater chasm, releasing an enormous swarm of ancient Piranha that have been dormant for thousands of years. Kind of wish the trailer didn’t have that one “Deep Blue Sea” moment where the daddy (or mommy, couldn’t see the genitalia) piranha snags the dude off the boat. In addition to O’Connell and Brook, film also stars Elisabeth Shue (who needs to be in EVERY film moving forward), Ving Rhames (as a cop! NO WAY! miscast!), Jessica Szohr from Gossip Girl, Christopher Lloyd doing his best Emmett Brown, Richard Dreyfuss (who has extensive marine biology background), porn star Riley Steele, and The League’s Paul Scheer, and the dude who played young brother Derek in “Step Brothers”.
20th Century Fox
Well, well, well. Look who stole the title of COED’s article on why vampires are the worst. We at COED expect royalties like King Kong, Fox. This latest spoof from the tag team of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (Disaster Movie, Epic Movie, Date Movie, Meet the Spartans, Every Spoof Movie Known To Man) takes a swing at various vampire themed movies and pop culture with the Twilight series serving as the main storyline. Teen chick caught between 2 dudes, one’s pale and frail while the other’s toned and tanned. How long can America continue to delight in the same nutshots, puns, and sight gags? If America’s Funniest Home Videos has proven anything, the answer is a resounding yes. The cast list is so lengthy, I almost thought it was another Ocean’s Eleven sequel. So be sure to check out Ocean’s 75 starring a host of teen actors you’ve never heard of (but would prob sleep with), Kids in the Hall alum Dave Foley, Diedrich Bader from Office Space and Napoleon Dynamite, Crista Flanagan from “Mad Men”, and Ken Jeong who played the doctor in Knocked Up, Mr. Chao from The Hangover, and the LARP king in Role Models. Bee tee dubs, Chris Evans who played The Human Torch and is tabbed to be the next Captain America got his silver screen start in Not Another Teen Movie, so let’s not dismiss these spoof movies just yet. Okay… NOW let’s dismiss them!
How do you give false hope to the urban / lower class community? Feed them this BS about how playing the lottery all day every day will land you in Rich Town where you’re the mayor. Yes, sometimes it’s nice to fantasize about what you’d do with $300+ million in your bank account, but it’s comparable to doing heroine or crack, once you leave the movie theater, you realize you have to wait for the bus for another hour and a half because your car was in accident and you can’t afford to have it fixed or risk driving it on the road for fear the Po Po will ticket your ass. That, “what if” high is quickly crushed by the realization you’re currently stealing cable and you no longer have hot water or the internet. Even the pay as you go mobile plan has a collection agency knocking at the door. Anyway, the story follows a young G from the PJs played by Bow Wow who wins $370 million in a nationwide lottery. The neighbors catch wind and become desperate in their attempts to get a slice. Can he survive? Play “Eye of the Tiger”, my man – things’ll work out. Film also stars Ice Cube as an old dude, Mike Epps (black Doug from The Hangover) as a reverend, Charlie Murphy as Eddie Murphy’s brother, Terry Crews from The Expendables, Bill Bellamy… wait, BILL BELLAMY!? Where have you been, my man? Oh… Uh huh… wow… sorry to hear that. T-Pain can also be found auto-tuning advice to the young buck who won big bucks.
I hate to state the obvious here, but how many more movies about single women in their late 30s/early 40s will feature Jennifer Aniston playing Jennifer Aniston? Like at this point, I think more appreciate a movie simply called, “Jennifer Aniston” in which we follow her path from Leprechaun 2 star with a bird nose to Friends hottie to lovable Brad Pitt wife to supposedly bitter Brad Pitt ex-wife to John Mayer f*cker. Doesn’t that sound more entertaining than a chick who tries to impregnate herself with a turkey baster? I love how women treat having a baby as the equivalent of buying a dog. In my opinion, which in this market is officially less than 2 cents and bordering on defaulting, women buy a pet to fill the void in their lives. The men they’ve dated or married or pine over have left them feeling violated, subjected, or numb. A dog can’t talk and has no means of conveying their thoughts other than eating all the toilet paper or sh*tting on the rug, so that lack of conversation is interpreted as the condition scientists refer to as “love”. When breastfeeding the dog fails, that’s when the turkey baster comes out. Film’s directed by Blades of Glory helmers Josh Gordon and Will Speck, written by Allan Loeb (Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps) from a short story by Jeffrey Eugenides who also wrote “The Virgin Suicides”. Jason Bateman plays the neurotic best friend who switches her ideal mate’s baby batter with his own. Jeff Goldblum plays Bateman’s friend and Juliette Lewis makes me want to go to Ridgemont High in 1982.
Nanny McPhee Returns
This sequel to the Mary Poppins rip-off franchise is written by and stars Emma Thompson who plays the titular role. In this episode, Nanny arrives to help a distressed young moms run her family’s farm while her husband is away at war. Along the way she performs magic and freaks everyone out with her face. Seriously, if you have all those mystical powers, why not give yourself the face of Elizabeth Hurley and the body of Brooklyn Decker? Maybe the kids you’re supervising would listen to you for a change and you wouldn’t need cheap tricks to get them to shut the F up. Awesome Fun Fact Alert – the original title of the UK version was “Nanny McPhee and The Big Bang”. If that’s not a porno by end of day today, then San Fernando Valley has severely disappointed me. Flick features Rhys Ifans, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Ewan McGregor, and Ralph Fiennes who eats the kids with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Spoiler alert.
The Weinstein Company
This controversial documentary from TWC was nominated for a Grand Jury Prize at this year’s Sundance Film Festival, is directed by award-winning filmmaker Amir Bar-Lev, and written by award-winning writer Mark Monroe (The Cove). It follows the tragic story of former NFL safety Pat Tillman who left millions upon millions of dollars guaranteed in his contract with the Cardinals to enlist as an Army Ranger after the attacks on September 11th. His death in Afghanistan was initially cited as enemy fire by the military but was later exposed as a result of friendly fire. His death was used to sway the American public in favor of the efforts overseas, a thoroughly egregious move that tarred the White House, which let’s be honest is drowning in tar at this point. I haven’t seen the movie, but I already highly recommend it. Though it’s been reported Tillman wasn’t religious he did read multiple religious tomes in addition to the theories of Thoreau and Emerson. Like many troops who join for one reason then come away with a different take after experiencing ‘the sh*t’ Tillman had his reservations about the war in the Middle East. Despite the cover up, his actions were patriotic. Not to make light of the situaton, but hasn’t technology developed to the point where we can prevent friendly fire? This might be a silly idea, but if you remember, in earlier iterations of shooter games, you physically CANNOT shoot your team members. You’re telling me we can’t ‘tag’ our soldiers with an anti-firing mechanism that disables weaponry when pointed at or in the line of fire of a comrade? This is why I’m not allowed at the adult table during thanksgiving.
Five & Two Pictures
I liked this movie better when it was called, “Family Man” and starred Nic Cage. And what is with the complete 180 pulled by Sorbo, Swanson, and Ratzenberger? Sorbo played a He-man rip-off who conquered ladies and land, Swanson was a sexpot who posed for Playboy and f’d Charlie Sheen in The Chase, and Ratzenberger played a degernate drunkard mailman on Cheers. Is this their way of repenting? The story follows a businessman (Sorbo) who gets a visit from a drunk mailman who shows him what his life would be like had he “followed God’s calling” and married Wendy (Swanson). In this alternate timeline, he has two daughters, one of which looks like a friggin’ Cabbage Patch doll and the other is a rebellious teen (so unrealistic!). We all know how those rebellious teens turn out when raised under a religious roof – naked web chats, stripping, hooking, porn, then ironically reborn Christian. At least the producers acknowledge the film is made in the vain of It’s a Wonderful Life and The Family Man. Apparently, this peek in to what could’ve been is a reminder of what Sorbo’s character really wants. Can someone make a film responding to this where the churchgoing family man gets to experience the flip side of the coin? Oh yeah, it’s called, “Hugh Hefner: Playboy, Activist, Rebel.” (out in theaters now!)
Yash Raj Films
A first class fighter who pummels his opponents in the ring while wearing a blindfold teaches a blind chick who dances in rollerskates how to see while she teaches him how to love. Somehow, bike gangs are also involved. How high were the screenwriter who wrote this, the producer who pitched this, and the studio that bought and distributed this? If you were high when watching this, your scalp would peel itself off your head for fear of being blown up by your mind rapidly trying to escape your skull.
IDP/Samuel Goldwyn Films
An 11-year-old boy in an impoverished mountain village is selected to learn ballet at an elite dance academy. He’s discovered by an American dance instructor (nice move, pedophile) and quickly attracts the attention of the Chinese government who won’t allow him to stay beyond the three months granted to him. He ends up marrying a US dancer so he can stay, but this pisses off China who ban him from coming back to the country in addition to forbidding his parents to leave or visit him in the States. He gets a divorce, re-marries, and eventually convinces the government to let his parents see him. They do, it’s beautiful, and some years later, he’s able to return to his homeland and reunite with his brothers. Real original, guys. Next time, don’t try to rip off Rambo so badly.
A Film Unfinished
Also nominated for a Grand Jury Prize at Sundance, A Film Unfinished is a 2010 documentary film by Yael Hersonski which re-examines the making of a 1942 Nazi propaganda film of the Warsaw Ghetto. Where would the film industry be without Nazis? As awful as their transgressions against society have been, think about all the money made off their existence. Inglorious Basterds? Schindler’s List? Indian Freakin’ Jones! You want a “what if” movie, make one in which World War II and the Nazi movement NEVER existed? Would there have been a baby boom? Would there be the proliferation of the KKK? Would the Hitler stache be en vogue? This is what I think about and it’s 100% why I’m still single.
A war photographer renounces her profession after witnessing first hand the abomination that was the war in Iraq. Her husband is an eye surgeon in Peru who is killed during a riot over a contamination caused by a mercury spill. A young woman who lost her fiancé to the contamination seeks justice for the wrongs committed against her people and her land. Just as Nazis bring us together, so do Mercury spills. Nazis = mercury. The End.
The Army Of Crime
Movie follows the rise and fall of Missak Manouchian who lead the French Resistance during World War II. Again, NAZIS! Missak was “an intellectual and a talented poet” and he didn’t even know it. He was willing to die but reluctant to kill. That soon faded as his people were more and more repressed by those nutty Nazis. Hope you like Nazis, folks, because there are about 6 million stories out there ready to be told, and we’ve only unearthed about 0.00001% of them. Cripes, even The Hangover had a Holocaust plot point.
The Scenesters is an art-house black comedy made by Los Angeles-based comedy group The Vacationeers. It premiered at the 16th Annual Austin Film Festival and follows a group of crime scene videographers who use their day jobs following a serial killer’s path of destruction as a way to produce their next movie. I think at one point the chick from Antiplano was involved but things got “too heavy” for her and she bailed. The serial killer catches on and begins sending them video of his acts. The race to find the killer is equally matched by the race to finish the film before the cops find out. Rated “R” for ridiculous.
A Greek restaurant owner in Germany finds success with the addition of a new chef and waiter who transform the ho hum eatery into a hotspot. However, the owner must fend off the solicitation of a relentless real estate shark while dealing with a slipped disc in his back. He ends up handing over management duties to an unreliable dude who loses the restaurant to the land developer in a card game. Both guys end up in jail, while the Greek ends up in love. Hey, I worked in a restaurant. This sh*t never happens.