10 Jobs That Guarantee You’ll Die Alone
Amidst the never-ending search for a hot chick with whom you can spend the rest of your life is the search for a profession to fund said rest of your life. Sometimes, the two disagree. Unless your chick is really swell, chances are she’ll find these professions utterly repulsive and/or ridiculous. Try to avoid making a career path out of the following in order to win the fair lady’s heart.
1. Serial Killer:
Serial killers have a tough time keeping love in their lives, what with the penchant for killing off any potential romance. Quite literally. If you find yourself unable to go a day without brutally murdering someone and hiding the body in your freezer, it will have to be at the cost of going a lifetime without getting laid.
While it might be hot for you to imagine a stripper wife, girls are of a different breed. “My husband is a stripper” doesn’t exactly have a nice ring to it — and neither will you, unless it’s on your.. well, you know.
3. WoW Gold Farmer:
If that’s on your resume, you can also add “single.” Impressive as your ability to harvest silk cloth may be, chicks dig stability. The WoW economy allows for as much stability as your computer chair’s butt-print allows for sex appeal.
4. Thumbtack Manufacturer:
Come on, now. Really? Even you, at that point, wouldn’t want to spend the rest of your life with you. It doesn’t get any less exciting than that.
5. Breast Augmentator:
While doctors have a certain amount of appeal, one who specializes in breast augmentations does not. Unless you’re dating a porn star, in which case marriage is a joke anyway, the only breasts you’ll fondle are the ones you make yourself.
There is nothing “professional” about being a professional busboy. If, after any number of months, you’ve yet to work your way up the ladder to waiter, there’s little hope for you. Please exit the realm of “adult” and continue to smoke pot behind your parents’ garage.
7. Fan Club President:
If you’re the “Official Head of the *Insert Name Here* Fan Club,” you lose. Good day, sir. And, of course, your title will be the only head you’ll ever know. Clubs bring to mind thick glasses before they were cool, acne, braces, and a speech impediment. Every woman’s dream? No. Just… no.
8. Pornographic Illustrator:
Drawing comics can be a most excellent professions if exacted properly. Drawing pornographic doodles and posting them on your website under the guise of “Google advertising executive” doesn’t fly.
Some girls might find assassins sexy, what with all of the gore and moral ambiguities. Assassin’s Creed certainly does its job to increase that sex appeal. Again, the key here is to involve some level of skill. If you dress in a giant M & M suit and roam the streets as a midnight vigilante for hire, you’re probably delusional.
10. Catholic Priest:
Finally, and certainly most obvious: Catholic priest. For many, many, many reasons (see: the Bible, pedophilia scandals) will you not be sleeping with women. You’re married to God now, friend. Sadly, the nuns do not put out.