Movies This Week: August 6th, 2010
Hey man, I don’t claim to be a mystic or a psychic or teller of good fortunes but I did say Inception would rake in enough dough to surpass their budget on its way to a third consecutive week at #1. It edged Dinner for Schmucks while Charlie St. Fartface somehow slid in at #5 a mere $2k above P*ssypants McGee. This week’s entries include cops, porn stars, street dancers, mafiosos, gay Neo-Nazis, adulterers, war, murder, puppy love, kidnappings, and mountain climbers. You put all THOSE in a movie and you’ve got yourself a seizure. Do you like the way it hurts? Read on…
The Other Guys
You know what’s going to lower unemployment, decrease our national deficit, and pull us out of this recession? Another buddy cop film. It’ll be the straw that breaks the economically depressed camel’s back. We made headway with Bruce Willis, Tracy Morgan, and Sean William Scott in “Cop Out” but thanks to the relentless efforts of the movie studio system, we can finally breathe a sigh of relief. The war on bankruptcy is over, folks. America’s saving grace is Will Ferrell‘s fourth collaboration with Adam “Ghost Panther” McKay – the previous three being Step Brothers, Talladega Nights, and Anchorman. Ferrell’s co-star is Mark Wahlberg who plays the high adrenaline action junkie partner Terry Hoitz, a perfect complement to Ferrell’s more subdued and mild-mannered “desk monkey” character, Allen Gamble. The odd couple gets a chance to step and prove themselves but … what’s this? Things go awry?! That NEVER happens! Film has a star-studded cast featuring Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne “NOT The Rock” Johnson, Michael “I’m NOT Batman” Keaton, Eva “I Have a Sticky Sex Tape” Mendes, Rob “POW!” Riggle and Damon “I’m NOT Homey the Clown” Wayans Jr.
Based on the sexperiences (see what I did there?) of producer Christopher Mallick, this drama stars Luke Wilson as the buttoned up problem solver and family man based on Mallick, Jack Harris. The year is 1995 and the internet, as the trailer puts it, “sucks.” Most adult entertainment enthusiasts (get your hand out of your pants!) were forced to the curtained area of select video rental stores. Then, Harris helps build the first online billing company dealing exclusively with adult entertainment alongside adult entertainment purveyors played by Giovanni Ribisi and Gabriel Macht and everyone blows their load. Pervs such as myself don’t have to leave the house to find nirvana and e-commerce booms. Screw The Other Guys buddy cop film technique, let’s charge for porn! Oh… right… Well as you can guess THINGS GO AWRY as Harris gets caught in the middle of con men, mobsters, drug addicts, porn stars, the FBI, OJ Simpson, Yahoo, Windows 95, and the Unabomber. Laura Ramsey, who got her start on The Real Cancun, plays Harris’ porn mistress, while The Real World London alum Jacinda Barrett is also featured. Sh*t just got REAL! Rounding out the cast are James Caan, Kelsey Grammer, Terry Crews, and Jesse Jane (who does stuff on camera that I’m pretty sure is illegal).
Step Up 3-D
Disney / Touchstone Pictures
Hey, I get it. Low budget movies that turn a profit will get sequels, prequels, and cinquels green lit. I haven’t seen one “High School Musical” but I understand there’s a diehard target demo that would murder and eat their pets and siblings to see the eighth installment. But, movies like this make me question humanity. Like… it’s dancing… right? Dancing is cool to watch. Sometimes when I’m not in a hurry, I’ll take a moment or two to watch the performers in the subway. Are the storylines and characters that compelling? Wasn’t “You Got Served” like the be all to end all? I mean they only made one Drum Beat. Oh crap, did I just give a studio exec an excuse to make a second Drum Beat? This episode was shot and will project in 3-D, which means guard yo’ grill, kid. The plot centers on a gaggle of street dancers who find themselves “squaring off against the world’s best hip hop dancers in a high-stakes showdown that will change their lives forever”. Really? Your cool card gets revoked? Snap. By the way, Director Jon Chu was a cinematographer on a 2002′s “Killing Babies”. If they can make a sequel to dancing, they can franchise a flick about beating off.
The Sicilian Girl
Music Box Films
You sing with the pigeons, you sleep with the fishes. Or something like that. Maybe it’s you squeal like a pig, you take it up the-… no, that’s not it either. If you rat someone out in the mafia, you’re basically a dead man. Or in this case a dead girl. This true story is about a teenage girl who breaks the mafia’s code of silence and testifies against them after both her father and brother are murdered. I’m 1/4 Italian and I’m 99% sure that 25% is Sicilian. I’m 100% sure that Sicilians don’t like snitches. Snitches get stitches. I once told my Great-grandmother that my cousin stole a meatball from the sauce she was cooking and she immediately beat me to a bloody pulp with a wooden spoon. I was 11. This is no joke, people. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!
This Danish joint is about two Neo-Nazi men drawn into a secret love affair despite the consequences they’ll suffer from the rest of the gang for their forbidden trysts. So, you don’t like the Jews and you’re not sexually attracted to women? Maybe you like Hitler a little TOO much? Talk about finding a needle in a hay stack. I live in one of the most heavily populated areas of the world with the highest percentage of single straight females in the nation and I can’t even get to a second date. I guess I’m too “broad” for these broads. I gotta niche it up. How’s this? I’m a bipolar hermaphrodite with OCD, ADD, and a PhD that will only consider companions with EEE breasts and a cleanly shaved head and facial tats. Any takers? Hold up, my phone’s ringing.
A magazine editor travels to Cairo to meet her husband, a UN official working in Gaza, for a three week vacation. He gets delayed so she obviously starts effing his longtime security officer. Marriage is no longer sacred, right? Like what does being “married” even mean anymore? You get a cool ring and a roommate? That’s why when friends tell me they’re getting married, it’s almost like they’re telling me, “hey, I’m going to the grocery store. Don’t worry, I’ll be back.” People are so hung up on getting hitched and rushing into a stable, domesticated life. It’s like if you’re single and independent, you MUST be a perv, a creep, a weirdo, or there’s something really f’d up in your past like you were in a boy band or a molested child actor. Maybe I don’t want a chatty Kathy in my ear 24/7 yammerin’ about how I leave my boxers on the sink or whatevs. Long story short, if you’re in the mood for infidelity, hit up AshleyMadison.com. PS, have you SEEN their commercial? Wow.
The Disappearance Of Alice Creed
Kidnapping’s cool, right? Plenty of good flicks out there about stealin’ people. Right off the bat, there’s “Celtic Pride” with Damon Wayans, “Taken” with Liam Neeson, and Indian Jones and the Temple of Poon, which wasn’t necessarily about kidnapping but it definitely stole my heart… and my virginity. This grand theft female thriller stars Gemma Arterton as Alice Creed. Not familiar with Gemma? Are you serious? She’s basically been eye candy in every action blockbuster this year (Clash of the Titans, Prince of Persia) and played “Strawberry Fields” in Quantum of Solace. And, if you could actually remember something from more than 1 year ago, you’d know she played “June” in RocknRolla. Remember that time I told her to get out of my dreams and into my car? But I only had a moped? Yeah, that’s her. Hot, right?
Anyone catch that episode of “South Park” where acclaimed director Rob Reiner comes to town trying ban smoking? If you didn’t, well, spoiler alert, he’s actually filled with green goo. Anyway, Mr. Reiner is responsible for this lil’ adaptation of a novel about second-graders falling in love. Seriously? Second grade? Granted I was an absolute p*ssy hound in first grade – I kissed a chick on the cheek in music class and could often be spotted looking down my uncle’s girlfriend’s shirt, but “love”? I didn’t even get around to infatuation until like 6th grade. The male second grader in this instance is gunshy due to cooties and whatnot but over the next six years the two go back and forth fawning over and spurning each other. Dude, sack up and hit that ‘ish. Aren’t most kids nailing and bailing in like third grade? You’re automatically a loser if you haven’t dipped the wick by age 8. Junior high? What are you, Amish? PS – Rebecca De Mornay plays the little dude’s mom. Talk about miscast, she was in The Hand That Rocks The Cradle, she can’t be having kids!
Sony Pictures Classics
This controversial Israeli war film was the first Israeli-produced film to win the Leone d’Oro at the Venice International Film Festival and has been described by The Guardian as “an anti-war movie”. It’s based on the director’s adventures as a young Israeli solder during the war with Lebanon in 1982. All the action takes place from inside the tank occupied by the aforementioned male lead and three other soldiers. As the story progresses, more peeps join in the fun, namely a dead Israeli soldier, a couple POWs, and Lebron James. What’s so controversial about the film? Apparently, the team follows orders from command to employ weaponry banned by international treaty. That, and Lebron James is NOT and will never be an Israeli soldier. He wasn’t even alive in 1982. But come on everyone takes liberties with stories based on actual events. Personally I enjoyed the scene where he tomahawk slams the illegal grenade down that Lebanese fighter’s throat after yelling, “Suck on my Miami Heat!”. That’s all-star cinema right there.
The Oxford Murders
This “edgy” and “intelligent” thriller based on the award-winning novel of the same name follows a professor and his pupil who stumble upon the body of an elderly woman who was viciously murdered in Oxford. They soon discover her demise is tied to a series of murders thanks to a symbol left by the killer. The two team up to track down the killer only to come to the conclusion that is was, in fact, 7-time Grammy nominated American rock band The Killers. This is what happens when the board doesn’t properly acknowledge your work. Seriously, they’re like the Susan Lucci of music. I got your Mr. Brightside right here, Elijah Wood! OH!
The Wildest Dream
National Geographic Entertainment
This adventurous documentary is narrated by Liam Neeson who tells the story of Conrad Anker, a modern day mountain climber who recreates George Mallory’s perilous ascent of Mount Everest in 1924. There’s been a crap ton of speculation surrounding his trip, many claim he’s the first traveler to scale the world’s most challenging peak while others claim he was a dirty rotten hobo who couldn’t climb out of a wet paper bag. Regardless, Anker settles that red hot debate when he finds Mallory’s body. Spoiler alert – he’s not looking too alive. All the sorority sisters are dying to see this one, kid.