The 10 Best Bros on Television
The bro movement. For better or worse (WORSE), it’s here to stay. I mean when something as ridiculous as bros icing bros has become a trend among grown men, you have to fear for our young people. That’s why television is a great escape. Because if you think real life bro’s are humorous, broadcast bro’s are even better. They’re colorful, they’re exaggerated, and they almost always have some kind of redeeming qualities. This bro bundle has all of that IN SPADES.
10. Phil Dunphy in Modern Family
On the spectrum of bro father’s…screw it. I can already tell this metaphor is headed for the John. Phil Dunphy makes lame jokes and uses the word “clutch” as a 40 year old father of three. I bet when his son turns 18, he’ll bust out the Delta Iota Kappa paddle and initiate him into the Fraternity of Life. He’ll call him “brah” and tell him to be “chill”. Fellas, if you want to extend your bro qualities into your twilight years in a graceful manner, tune into ABC at 9/8 central on Wednesday’s and check out Phil. He’ll show you the light.
9. Jeff Winger in Community
Bro’s are born in college. In this guy’s case, he lied about going to college, became a successful lawyer, got dis-barred, and then went back to college to rediscover his inner bro. Jeff is the self-righteous and proudly detached leader of his Spanish study group. He drops lame pick-up lines and tries to talk his way out of most any situation. Sound like the everyday 21st century male? Perhaps. But most men today (myself included) has some “bro” in them. Plus, Jeff Winger just sounds like a bro’s name. What the name ‘Rasheed Ali’ is to a Muslim, the name Jeff Winger is to bro’s. Congrats, Jeff. You’re an archetype. Nice show, by the way.
8. Hank Moody in Californication
The literary bro on this list. When Moody isn’t raising his daughter, teaching college English, writing books, or getting high, he’s engaging in his favorite pastime: banging chicks. Hank is a man of roughly 40 who uses fairly modern jargon in his everyday life. Plus he goes through most of his day aided by some sort of controlled substance. He lives the college life while patrolling the the Venice boardwalk for trim. There’s not much more to the happiness equation than that. You know, unless you aren’t into that sort of thing.
7. Puck in Glee
I’ll wait for all of you snickering at the mention of Glee to stop mumbling/quit reading this list. Okay, now that those a-holes are done, let it be known that Puck was second to Tom Haverford in the 2009 Breakout Bro category. It was hard to judge when you look at his qualifications: he sings, he dances, he’s a jock, an unapologetic dick, and he rocks the bro-hawk. His real name is Noah Puckerman so he shortened it. Ding! With his show guaranteed at least two more seasons, I’m pretty sure he’ll only do more to beef up his busting bro-dentials.
6. Andy Bernard in The Office
Another person on this list who has a well-documented nickname: The ‘Nard Dog. That’s just glorious. That alone is a bro-mendous achievement. Bernard first came to Scranton as a brown nosing, acapella-singing, social climber. The Office’s version of Eddie Haskell if you will. But as seasons passed, Bernard’s bro tendencies have been balanced out with a healthy dose of good nature. Most bro’s, at their core, just want people to like them. And that’s really the only thing that the Cornell alum was guilty of in this office. Well that, and ruining “The Rainbow Connection” in Pig Latin.
5. Tom Haverford in Parks and Recreation
Most of this is due to the fact that Azis Ansari is hilarious in just about everything he does. And his role in a vastly improved second season of Parks and Rec is no exception. Tom is Pawnee, Indiana’s resident “he-bro.” He’s inappropriate around the ladies about 85 percent of the time, and uses smooth tracks from Justin Timberlake and Boyz II Men to woo them (although that’s not really so much “bro-tastic” as it is awesome). Best part about Tom Haverford: his real name is some Indian name that is so difficult to pronounce that he changed it to Tom Haverford in order to be more appealing politically. Leave it to a bro to anoint himself with a nickname.
4. Johnny Drama in Entourage
While Barney Stinson may have surpassed him, Johnny Drama was a 21st century pioneer of sorts. Not only did he make it feasible/popular for Guido Chic to be shown outside the Jersey Shore, but he successfully toed the line between everyday douchebag and well intentioned guy. Underneath the wife beater, track pants, and excess hair products (a bro-trifecta if there ever was one), was a dedicated thespian. And as the oldest and douchiest of the “Entourage” crew (depending on how you felt about Turtle) he undoubtedly takes the most guff. VICTORY!
3. Dennis Reynolds in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Think of every reprehensible characteristic that a “bro-ish” guy can exude. Arrogance, third person references, etc. Dennis Reynolds has all of these. As the self-appointed leader of the television’s most hilarious crew, Dennis prides himself on his “chiseled good looks and Kennedy hair” as well as a well maintained upper torso. He also uses the word “bro” more than probably anyone else on this list. The unique thing about Dennis is that while others on this list have a clear, redeemable personality trait, Dennis does not. If he were a real person, the only thing that would make him tolerable is the fact that his friends are awesome. Get me a beer and sit me next to the Paddy’s Pub crew and I’ll tolerate Dennis as well.
2. Don Draper in Mad Men
Don Draper is a bro in 21st century lingo, but back in the ’60′s, the time in which his critically acclaimed show is taking place, he’s hip and normal. Only a real d-bag, in today’s world of medical awareness and political correctness, would drink scotch at work and continually try to nail women who aren’t his wife. But he can’t help it. He’s a man. And he’s a successful man so we can’t really say too much to him. Draper is a bro forefather for a guy like Barney. And if you’re looking for a silver lining for Draper it’s this: ignorance. It was the ’60′s and nobody knew any better. In fact, if TV Land is one big incestuous pool, who’s to say that Don Draper isn’t Barney Stinson’s long lost father? You know…if the Bob Barker thing falls through.
1. Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother
In terms of bro-tastic television behavior, the Barnicle is Pujols, Manning, and LeBron (or Kobe) all rolled into one. He gets more ass than a diner booth at 2 a.m., he wears suits, plays laser tag and he pulls off catch phrases such as “awesome”, “legendary,” and the “what up” with such bravado that you forget how lame it would sound coming from you. Think of the worst thing you’ve done to a lady, multiply it by 1100, and then double that and you’ll get an idea of how badly Barney treats the ladies. But you can’t really be mad about it because it’s hilarious and he does, more times than not, come through for his friends in the clutch.