10 Celebrity Sex Tapes That Should Have Made Millions

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Ah the celebrity sex tape. Right now it seems that if you’ve never had a sex tape, you’ve never been famous. The speculation of celebrities with sex tapes reads like a who’s who of famous fornicators and the trend doesn’t seem to be stopping any time soon. So today I give you a list of what some of the most notable tapes should have made and why.

10.  The Gena Lee Nolin Sex Tape

My estimate of what it should have made:

Because of the fact that most of you are saying: Who the hell is Gena Lee Nolin…$950,000

Here’s why:

A C-list celeb (famous for her role in Baywatch definitely not her role in Sheena) rolling around on the floor and having less than spectacular sex with her husband doesn’t seem like much now, but in an age where voyeurs around the world were clamoring for anything they could get their hands on and internet connections were not yet conducive for attaining copious amounts of porn in mere seconds, this footage  is the little engine that could of celebrity sex tapes.

9. The Tonya Harding Sex Tape

My estimate of what it should have made:

Subtract production costs and bail for Harding…probably about $1,565,000 domestic .

Here’s why:

In America, the only thing we like nearly as much as a good old-fashioned sex scandal is a good old-fashioned sex scandal that involves a once beloved budding star. Tonya Harding, mastermind of the most bizarre incident in ice skating history definitely fits the bill. An excerpt from IMDB user review describes it best:

“Gillooly[Harding’s then husband] capture’s the chilling chemistry between the couple who plotted to injure Olympic skater Nancy Kerrigan. Much like Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway in “Bonnie and Clyde,” the chillingness of their crimes is juxtaposed with the heat of their sexuality.” Sounds like a good watch to me.

8.  The Chyna (Joanie Lauer) Sex Tape

My estimate of what it should have made:

Because she was associated with one of the most badass wrestling groups of all time…$2,500,000

Heres why:

During my adolescent years, Chyna was one of the first women in wrestling to really show that she belonged with the boys. She was big and strong but also all woman. As an adult she showed me that she’s another in a long line of celebrities to prove that they’re unfathomably crazy. Watching her sex tape with the WWE’s X-Pac aka Sean Waltman is kind of like watching a freak show, you don’t want to look but it’s just so damn bizarre you have no choice. Oh, and they released the tape themselves as a publicity stunt.

7. The Scree…um I mean Dustin Diamond Sex Tape

My estimate of what it should have made:

Because everyone wants to know what kind of woman would allow Screech to act out of character…$2,780,031

Heres why:

Much like my number eight pick, this one rakes in the bucks due to its absurd nature. The ugliest kid from “Saved by The Bell” tries to shatter his dork image by (probably) paying some girls who hate their father to do some things that make the rest of the internet hate him. Sidenote: the tape includes a “Dirty Sanchez” so um, yeah…there’s that.

6.  The Colin Farrell Sex Tape

My estimate of what it should have made:

Because if it didn’t make a ton of money Colin Farrell would go to your grandma’s house and punch her in the face…$3,500,000

Heres why:

As per usual with my posts, this one kind of breaks the rules. After it’s release in January of 2006 the tape’s distribution was blocked by court ruling. Stupid on Farrell’s part if you ask me. Think  about it: It shows a movie star that has a penchant for making women drop their panties doing exactly what his audience wants to see him doing–the nasty. Oh and the woman he was with was no slouch either, it was model Nicole Narain. This tape can appeal to both male and female demographics making it a big sell…if not for that damn reasonable judge.

5. The Kid Rock & Scott Stapp Sex Tape

My estimate of what it should have made:

What ever it takes for Scott Stapp to stop making music. Let’s say…$4,500,761

Heres why:

Who wouldn’t want to see the man responsible for the obnoxious hits “Higher”, “Arms Wide Open” and “My sacrifice” (with the band Creed) spitting his probably equally obnoxious game to groupies on a tour bus with the king of trailer park rock?

4.  The Kendra Wilkinson-Baskett Sex Tape

My estimate of what it should have made:

Because we all wonder what it’d be like to sleep with a Playboy Playmate…$8,500,000

Heres why:

Kendra, who has no problem posing nude for one of the most notable magazines of all time and who had no problem sharing an 80-year-old-man with two other women is embarrassed by the release of this tape so it must be good.

3.  The Kim Kardashian Sex Tape

My estimate of what it should have made:

More than Kendra but definitely less Paris lets say…$10,750,000

Heres why:

Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian? She’s the ideal woman and isn’t modest about it. We’re just waiting for her to release a montage of all her supersexy twitpics.

2.  One Night In Paris

My estimate of what it should have made:

I actually found preliminary evidence that this sex tape made at least 14 million dollars, that’s impressive.

Heres why:

When it comes down to it, some people find Ms. Hilton attractive, others find her a stuck up over-privelaged brat, so it’s only natural we’d want to see what she’s like in bed. Not surprisingly the tape shows her being the same image conscious, pretentious snob you’d think she’d be.

1.  The Pamela Anderson Tommy Lee Sex Tape

My estimate of what it should have made:

If Paris’ tape can make 14 million, the sky is the limit for the most famous buxom blonde of our era. My heart says to go with Avatar like numbers but I’ll say…near 2o million dollars.

Heres why:

It’s the grandaddy of all sex tapes, even if you hate sex and you hate tapes you’ve seen at least parts of this movie.

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