If you’ve done time in a High School, chances are you got yours as a 9th grader, in one way or another. That first year (of fear) was so magical for me that I developed a glandular problem, thanks to the amount of sweating needed to keep my ever quivering body cool.
But alas, those days are over–and typical public hazing has been replaced by weird, secret, bizarre hazing. Sure, I got my fair share of wedgies, but sodomized by a sporting god? Never. I imagine that the bullies who facilitated my torture would have actually protected me from that kind of thing, in a weird, ‘Hey thats my bitch’ kind of way.’
So in a tribute to the good ol’ days, here’s five classics that I don’t miss, but would take any day over getting my ass burned with boiling water.
5. Awful Waffle:
This one is at 5 because it (I believe) is taken from the classic Nickelodeon show Salute Your Shorts. And while it may have come from fiction, I’ve seen this one made a reality a few times. Basically, victim has his (or her, though I’ve never seen it, I’m sure this would work unisex) shirt lifted up, and a tennis racket pressed to his stomach. Then syrup is applied to the target area. Doesn’t hurt anything but the ego. Unless, you know, you’re near a hive of fire ants…
4. 1000 Needles:
A classic hit and runner, more of a big brother/sister thing–but definitely used in the halls as a way to get in and out quick, while at the same time leaving your mark and applying pain. This has some really racist alternative names like “Indian burn” and “Chinese burn,” neither of which make sense–except the burning part. Place your hands on someones arms and twist in opposite directions. Only takes a second, and hurts like hell.
3. Purple Nurple (AKA the nipple cripple, the nipple gripple, the titty twister or the seldom used ‘ruby booby’):
Grabbing the nipple of someone and given it a lil ‘twist o lime. Not only does it hurt like a biotch, but it’ll also give ‘em pokies for the rest of the day. Classic follow-up lines include ‘Hey, is it cold in here?’ and the lesser used ‘You readin’ a good book or somethin’?’
2. Backpack Manipulation:
Throwing a curve ball here. There’s a lot of horrible things that get done in the name of hazing, but speaking from personal experience, fucking with someone’s backpack in high school was the worst. Prime-time, hallway, babes everywhere. You’re just trying to get your 14-year-old ass onto the bus, and you hear the trademark Zzzzzip. Your stuff goes everywhere, including your sandwich you were too afraid to eat because the guys in the ROTC wouldn’t stop giving you ‘the eye’ during lunch. Other classics include finding someone with a giant, scoliosis inducing, too-afraid-to-use-my-locker pack and apply downward force. Their knees will buckle under the enormous pressure, making them sit down in the hallway. ‘Take a seat!’ they’d say, “Yes sir!,’ I’d reply.
All time classic, the ultimate in humiliation. While this never happened to me in High School (as I was pants’d once, full bore, in 4th grade, and have since worn a belt), this is probably the fastest way to teach someone not to wear sweatpants–unless your a senior. Grab the pants at the knee and apply one vicious tug. Stealth is key, but in the halls, where sounds and smells abound, people are typically distracted. With all those 16-year-old honeys ready to party running around, Lord knows I was.
From what I’ve heard talking to some old teachers, these hazing classics are things of the past. I never hazed anyone because, well, I remembered how it felt–but I’m sure it still happens somewhere. Hang tough little dudes.