College: the most liberating time of your life. Curfew freedom, sexual freedom, gorge on fatty cafeteria food freedom, binge drink as much as you’d like freedom — it all opens up when you set foot on campus. The only downside? When you indulge to your heart’s (and liver’s) content, bodily functions start indulging themselves, too. After all, all that watery beer and off-brand vodka has to be let out somewhere.
Yet for all the freedoms universities afford you (so long as you can pay their insane monthly price for that freedom), the one thing they’re mindlessly stingy on is bathrooms. If it ain’t day time, there’s basically no where to deposit all that liquid indulgence they more or less encourage you to take part in. Academic buildings are closed and the student center doesn’t let students inside (whose union is this?!). It’s a horrible catch-22 — if you don’t know how to beat the system. Here’s a guide to all the places you can piss on campus during a late night out… if you’re willing to forgo an actual toilet.
The Dean’s House: Here’s a secret: as a rule, the school’s head honcho lives on campus. He’s the one ultimately in charge of all those toilet-access restricting policies, so show him the consequences. Watch out for security cameras, but let’s be real here: do you really think the Dean is going to push charges against a kid he personally watched pee? It’ll only encourage copy cat pissers. So if you do get caught, make sure to start a Facebook group as soon as possible. Digital revolution!
2. The School Newspaper: Generally, the people who write for the newspaper are self-important a-holes who are looking to spoil everyone’s fun for the sake of “the truth,” as if anyone is really gonna care what happens on campus. They love to report that — gasp! — drinking happened at parties they weren’t invited to, among other things. So why don’t you give their house or building a souvenir from all the fun that they missed. Breaking news! Some people like to have fun! And hey, here’s some generous hard evidence for the story! We’ll even spell our names out on your wall so you have a great first page photo!
3. The Rival Frat House: Each fall (or spring), the ancient Greek tradition of rush is re-enacted by the pious worshippers of Dionysus, the Goddess of spirits. Parties are held, houses are pimped, and pimply faced freshmen recruited, sorted and invited to join the ancient brotherhood. Whichever house throws the best parties and has the broiest of bros ends up with the brightest future bros.
It’s a bloody competition, like Athens vs. Sparta, and you need every advantage you can get. So why not recruit a band of your own house’s warriors for a 21st century Trojan Horse scheme: go to a rival’s rush party, drink their shitty beer, and then piss all over the inside of their houses. The next day, when prospective bros are visiting, they won’t be able to get that stale piss smell out of their noses, and will surely pass on joining the rival army. It’s piss warfare!
4. The Sorority House: Unlike the dank, now-piss stained frat house, the sorority house is a fairy-tale land of hot girls, pillow fights, group showers and “exploring sexuality because we’re in college.” And again, unlike the frat house, where anyone can get into a party provided they have two dollars cover and a face, the sorority house is a forbidden world, with no party rules, vast security systems, and judging eyes that treat even the most innocent guy visitor as an alien that must be expelled, ASAP.
As such, it’s a place where horrible ex-girlfriends and hookups retreat for protection, knowing they will be shielded by forty sisters whose letter sweatshirts bond them in blood. No fair! So while you can’t enter the premises, find an open window, aim high, and your pee can do some exploring — and revenge getting — for you!
5. The Rival College’s Team Bus: College athletics: more than just sport, it’s war. And sometimes, the enemy is sleeping on your territory. It’s a strange situation, when a rival college rolls into town the night before and sleeps the night in the campus hotel before the big game. They’re so trusting, those silly bastards. That hospitality has to come with a price.
Of course, you’re not going to do anything obvious, that could be easily traced back to you. So no loud parties in their hotels or Tanya Hardings. But what about taking that night-before tailgating booze and helping out the home team? Sounds good to us! Sneak off to the hotel and find the team bus. Because they’re a bunch of morons, there’s inevitably going to be a window left open. So get a ladder and, with a couple of friends, let loose inside the bus. After a night full of hot piss broiling, the entire team will want to puke their guts out on their way to the stadium. Advantage home team — that’s a plan to cheer about!
6. Your Freshman Year Roommate: Universities are good at two things: charging you out the ass for a now-useless degree and shitty housing, and matching you up with the absolutely worst, most opposite from you in every way roommate during freshman year. If you’re quiet, he parties; if you party, he stays in his rooms and complains about the noise. If you like to get a good night’s sleep, he’s bringing girls in late at night; if you bring a girl home, he cockblocks like a pro. He’s dirty or super anal about every dust mite, or he’s a sloppy bastard. In all, he’s your worst nightmare.
If you’re still living with him, this one’s easy. If you’re a sophomore or beyond, it shouldn’t be too hard, either. After a long night of imbibing, head to wherever he’s sleeping and let him have it. That’ll give him something to talk about during those marathon phone calls with his “girlfriend from home.”