7 Things You Can’t Do After College

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Four years can go by way too fast. Some of us might try to strategically stretch it into five or six years. Some of us might even go to drastic measures like law or medical school to avoid leaving college. But eventually, eventually you are going to have to leave your University and enter into the real world. But isn’t college life real? I say that it’s for real. I keep things real. I’m so focused on keeping my life real that I still say real. Really. But college life is as fake as it comes. So when your done with your fairy tale run, get ready to enter the real world. (Hint. The Real World isn’t real either.) So what is life after college like? Here are seven things that you wont be able to get away with after college.

Waking up at noon

A college schedule can be as flexible as you want it to be. No classes on Tuesdays or Thursdays, no problem. No classes before noon, done. Try telling your boss that you have a hard time waking up in the morning. Lucky for you, the chances of you getting a job right out of college are pretty slim. So you might be able to get away with waking up at noon for a few more months after graduation.

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T-shirts for ties

When you get out of school you’re going to have to find a job. And let me tell you, no one is hiring the guy in sandals. They aren’t going to look at how clever your t-shirt is, or how carefully unkempt you keep your hair. Now you might not have to wear a tie, but even the most relaxed workplaces have a strict no Ed Hardy policy.

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Living with nine dudes

The brohouse, the ass palace, the “Casa de Dude.” Not only are your friends going to move away, but you can’t share a room when you’re 24. You just cant. Girls aren’t going to want to get plowed while your roommate plays World of Warcraft ten feet away.

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Promiscuous sex

Remember your first orgy? Such a found memory of losing your innocence, and on a Tuesday night just because there was nothing better to do. I’m not saying that you wont get laid after college, but it isn’t going to be as easy, or as experimental. Girls are still going to do stupid things but their bisexual phase is going to fade when they get real jobs and start looking for real men. So hurry, before you pick up your diploma and before their self esteem begins to rise, take one last stroll on campus and get all the ass that you can. It might have to last you for a little while.

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Learning

A lot of people don’t realize that college could very possible be the last time that they ever pick up a book. I’m not talking about the new Harry Potter, or Twilight, or whatever shitty fantasy that comes out next, but an actual book. Like one that has facts, dates, thoughts, and a hardcover. For twenty plus years you’ve had knowledge thrown at you, and on graduation day it all stops. No one is going to care if you know the history of Russia, or what started WWI, or how to multiply. It kind of makes you think about what it all was for to begin with. But don’t worry, as long as you know how to Google you’ll be fine. Right?

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Blacking out is no longer cool

Remember when not remembering was cool. The movie The Hangover won its popularity from the universal fact that blacking out is cool. Well, guess what, it isn’t. Have you ever been called an alcoholic? Like, really been called an alcoholic? Not in the, ‘oh my god I love that kid, he’s such an alcoholic. I saw him take an entire case to the face and then do 15 shots of Jager. Oh man, he threw up on some chick later, it was awesome.’ Booze boasting is only cool until you pick up that diploma. Or maybe for the next few weeks while you do everything you can to make sure that you don’t get the security deposit back on your house.

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Which brings us to financial independence and accountability

This is the one that really sucks. If you sleep until noon you might be called a slob. If you keep banging college chicks you might be called a scumbag. And if you keep drinking at a college pace you might, well, die. But if you can afford to do so, who cares. Unfortunately, life after college has a way of racking up the costs. Your food, booze, and condom grocery list is going to be replaced by rent, student loans, and new ties.

So why would anybody want to graduate? Well, no one does. Why do you think your parents pushed so hard for you to go to school? Was it to get an education? Was it to get a good job? Nope. It’s because it is the last place that they remember being happy. I’m not exactly sure what the real world is, but I do know that you wont be able to get away with half of the thing that you could while you were in college.

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