We do not always get the best wingman. But, just for the hell of it, imagine that we did get the wingman that we deserve. Imagine that things could happen like they do in the movies. Hell, I would be lying if I told you that I never imagined any one of the following movie characters stepping in to save my ass that lonely night at the party. Here are five film characters that would make absolutely kickass wingmen (ranked in order of kickassness):
5. “Jules” (Samuel L. Jackson) from Pulp Fiction. Character dialogue in Quentin Tarantino’s films (Reservoir Dogs, Inglourious Basterds) can last literally up to twenty minutes and we, the audience, are unflinchingly invested in his characters’ every damn word. Make no mistake, if Tarantino’s characters were to step into our reality, they would be no less interesting. So who better to have your back on the battlefield than Tarantino’s finest creation, Jules Winnifield? Fearless, intelligent, and witty, Jules is almost everything you could ask for in a wingman. Most importantly, at the end of Pulp Fiction Jules is a born again, charitable do-gooder. Therefore, in the spirit of charity, Jules will damn sure help a buddy seal the deal with a lady friend. The man could sing your praises for hours to a girl and she would be eating up every ounce of it. Nonetheless, due to the risk that your lady friend might be able to sniff out a former bad mofo hitman, Jules sits at the bottom of this list.
4. “Beanie” (Vince Vaughn) from Old School. If Beanie were not married then ass would be stacking up on his doorstep like a pile of old newspapers. A fellow dude can’t help but respect that man’s game. However, the fact remains that Beanie is indeed married and his doorstep is quite lonely…but that’s why I like him. Devoted to his wife, Beanie is absolutely incapable of cock-blocking you. Additionally, as I said before, the man does have some serious game. Hell, Beanie built Speaker City from the ground up and he can barely read. If a man can build a $2 million (that the government knows about) business without a first-grade education then you can sure as hell bet that he’ll do a favor for a buddy and convince a chick that you are absolutely worth an early morning walk of shame.
3. “Alpa Chino” (Brandon T. Jackson) from Tropic Thunder. Being a famous rap-star, an actor in a blockbuster film, and the face of “Booty Sweat,” Alpa Chino will no doubt have the attention of the ladies. As a friend of Alpa Chino, your social status immediately reaches stud-cock status. Additionally, Alpa Chino poses absolutely no threat of becoming your competition. He’s gay.
2. “Frodo Baggins” (Elijah Wood) from The Lord of the Rings. Frodo is the kind of wingman you need when your lady friend has brought along her own company. If your prospect has brought a girlfriend along, you absolutely must keep said friend occupied because girlfriends typically don’t leave each other out to dry. Basically, if one isn’t getting any, then the other sure as hell isn’t giving any. Enter Frodo Baggins. Sure, Frodo isn’t the most attractive dude. He’s a bite-sized hobbit with feet that grow pubes on them. Regardless, Frodo’s shortcomings are irrelevant. Why? The Precious. The moment Frodo whips out that ring it’s game over for the girlfriend your prospect brought along. Said girlfriend is immediately occupied for eternity, leaving you free to close the deal on the other chick.
1. “Gloria” (Isla Fisher) from The Wedding Crashers. Ladies, I applaud you. Females are undoubtedly the best wingmen a guy could ask for (well, for the most part they are). If another girl endorses you, then you certainly have a head start in proving yourself to be worthy. However, a girl like Gloria is most effective when you have some male competition. You need to get the competing dude out of the picture immediately. People typically stop being a problem when they have what they want. Your competition clearly wants a woman all to himself for the night…so give him what he wants. As a favor to you, ask Gloria to take one for the team by pouncing on the dude and jumping his bones. By the end of the night your competition won’t have any bodily fluids left in him, automatically neutralizing the threat of you not losing some of your own bodily fluids.
Ultimately, what you should get out of reading this is that you need to be aware of the type of company that you keep. You need a friend to guide your cock…not block it. Otherwise, you’ll end up like I did the morning after that party, waking up to an empty, cold spot next to me in bed.