10 Things in Porn That Don’t Translate to The Real World

5 Situations Where A Lie Is Better Than The Truth5 Situations Where A Lie Is Better Than The Truth
Does Anyone Actually Want to Tame Her?Does Anyone Actually Want to Tame Her?

Since adolescence, porn has been a wonderful escape into a sexual fantasy world for millions of people around the world. Few things are more exciting for a pre-teen than realizing that people are actually out there doing all those dirty things that you’re afraid mom and dad will find out you think about. As an adult, porn serves as a good old fashioned form of release (no pun intended). Porn detractors will say that pornography degrades women and is submerged in a fantasy world that can’t, or shouldn’t, be recreated in reality. I’m sure there’s a valid argument in there somewhere, but my biggest beef with porn is that porn sex is just too damn perfect. Here are ten porn fallacies that never quite translate to real sex.

1. Some of that @#$%  hurts

Sure Ron Jeremy might be able to work that reverse spider monkey position for hours on end, but in the real world, awkward positions can result in painful cramping. Now I’m all for porn looking as pristine and perfect as possible, but can a guy get a little disclaimer explaining that drilling for oil while my girlfriend is doing a handstand is going to make her neck and my back hurt for a while?

2. Awkward condom moments

In the rare occasion that a male porn star is actually wearing a condom, it’d be nice to see him struggle with opening the wrapper some of the time, or maybe having a hard time putting it on — it just adds a touch of humanity. As a guy, especially early on, it happens and while our partner may not see it, inside we’re feeling more pressure than a hostage situation negotiator to look cool.

3. There are no fluffers

Let’s say you’ve been partying pretty hard before hopping into bed with some lucky girl. Perfect night right? Sure, until that five dollar handle of whiskey you killed in under an hour comes back to haunt you and you can’t “get it up”. There’s nothing worse. In the porn world, while the embarrassment factor might still be there, there’d also be a buxom blonde ready and willing to keep you up and at ‘em for as long as necessary. In the real world all you have to look forward to is a penetrating glare of disdain and a guarantee that all of her friends will be hearing about this problem the next day.

4. It’s actually kind of weird to have sex in front of a large group of people.

Ever notice how in some porn the camera guy gets real up close and personal, only to have to actors bump the camera? It takes you out of the moment and makes you realize that it’s not just you and some of your closest, sluttiest friends, but rather them and a whole bunch of sweating, overworked and underpaid crew members. That’s one thing you’ll (probably) never have to deal with in real life. Except for the aspiring swingers and orgy-goers out there, it’s generally not a good sign if you’re stuck in a room with a group of guys filming your sexcapades.

5. Acrobats rarely exist outside of a circus tent

Chances are, you’re not going to be hooking up with a lot of people who like getting freaky while hanging upside-down on a stripper pole in reality. Oddly enough, the porn world seems to be filled with men and women who don’t mind getting mauled in the kitch sink or tossing a salad or two while bending backwards over a coffee table. As much as we might think it’s cool, that stuff is just uncomfortable. Kitchen table, absolutely. Back seat of a cramped car, sure why not. Face burried in carpet while hanging off the couch, not so much.

6. Real sex, real sounds

In porn there are really only two things you hear; bad dialogue and animalistic orgasms. What about all the awkward smacking, sucking, and slapping that goes on? Sure they’re a little bit off-putting at first, but hey it’s all part of the game right? As a youth I think I would have been far more prepared for some of the weird noises encountered during sex if I knew that someone like Jenna Jameson did it too.

7. Oh how could we forget the dialouge?

“I heard someone ordered a big sausage pizza”…Come on. Really porn writers? I just don’t get why porn dialogue is so bad most of the time. In porn you either get right to the nitty-gritty or you have to deal with 10 minutes of the worst scripted prose anyones ever heard. That’s not real life. Sometimes without scintillating conversation, things in the bedroom are doomed to fizzle, rather than produce fireworks.

8. Sweat isn’t as cool in the real world

Alright so this one may be up for debate because many people are up for a passionate, sticky, sweaty romp, but somehow in porn it’s just always sexier. Lezley Zen glistens when a thin layer of perspiration and a lot of good lighting come together in harmony. But for the rest of us, if you focus on it, it’s just kind of gross. I’d like to have my hands other places than on my pillow wiping of your back sweat. And I’m sure all the girls out there could do without guys brow sweat momentarily blinding them while their men try to do their best Peter North impressions.

9. It’s not cool to destroy people’s stuff

Take note: women tend to pay a lot of money for their undergarments, so as cool as you think it is rip someone’s bra apart with your teeth or destroy a pair of panties, think twice. Unless you’re willing to part with some money to donate to your girlfriends “I need to go to Victoria’s Secret fund”.


10. ATM…

You know the scene in Clerks 2 where Rosaria Dawson’s character is talking about ass to mouth and how it’s only OK in the heat of the moment? Well if you ever find a girl who believes that, you should marry her, or get tested. An old staple by now in pornos around the world, ATM is rarer than a good Nicholas Sparks movie in the real world. First of  all think about you need to find someone who’s down for anal (not easy) and oral (easy) and then they have to be open enough (not to mention pretty care free when it comes to germs) to let you do both. Not an easy combination but more power to anyone who does it.

Comments
The Backyard: Best Of The Web