The 5 People You’ll See at the Pool This Summer
Oh the summer. Thin blooded chaps like myself wait for it like a fat kid awaits seeing the dessert menu. The summer is exemplified by a lot of things: sweet flicks, warm weather, bright colors, butt-ugly feet in open-toed shoes and, of course, visits to the local swimming pool. And since we’re all about educating the masses here at COED, I thought it’d be nice to inform you all about the types of people you’ll run into at the pool this summer. Also as an added bonus, we’ve included a splash guide.
I’m proud. I live in America so not being proud of that is like being part of an entourage and not reiterating how awesome you’re cash cow is. It’s patriotism. So let’s call the hard bodies that come out to pool oiled up and suited up in skimpy suits the “Pool Patriots.” They’re obviously in good shape and all those protein shakes, power bars and that month-long calves only exercise regimen paid off famously. These are probably perfectly nice people with swell personalities. But if you’re like me, and your blood is two-thirds hater-ade and not water, you bust chops and ask questions later.
Splash sentencing: Like I said, these people are probably nice well-adjusted folks. But nice don’t excuse you from a splash attack. Definitely get them, but don’t let them get revenge by doing a poolside “walk off.” You’ll lose every time.
No there’s not a South Carolina fan at every pool you go to. I just had a really good play on words and thought I’d capitalize on it. Anyway, there is a Captain Competitive at most pools you go to. The person who turns pretty much everything into a heated competition. This is the person that, at the end of the day, will be responsible for any injury report/accidental drowning that the on duty lifeguard will have to file. Like the hard bodies mentioned above, this person can’t help it. That’s just the way they’re wired. Which means…
Splash sentencing:…that this person is going to be getting splashed from all angles. Prepare yourself for a chlorine flavored water boarding. Revenge is a dish best served cold and directly into any and all facial orifices.
Like Spanish-speaking residents in the U.S, these are the fastest growing minorities in pool society. And why not? You got lawn chairs, a beach towel, and sunscreen. So why not fix the genetic defect that made you paler than printer paper by laying out in the sun for a few hours. You can even read or fall asleep out there, although I personally don’t see the need to leave your house if that’s all you want to do. Plus most tanners, I’m sad to say, are too cool for school and have no intention of dipping one toe into that pool. The tanning oil took just TOO long to put for it to be ruined by something as trivial and pointless as jumping into the pool.
Splash sentencing:You splash down upon thee with extreme prejudice. You don’t come to the pool and just flat-out not get it. That’s like spouting off some fighting words and not doing anything when things break down. You’re France. Congratulations.
Nothing quells the heat like a cold, liquored up drink. This person can be identified by many indistinguishable accessories. Obviously a cup or a can is part of the equation. And most pool drinkers have probably seen “Weekend at Bernies” one too many times and choose to rock some shades. That’s cool because I hope to party hard like that when I’m no longer among the living. Oh, and they’ll probably be floating around the water. Because drinkers are usually buzzed with the intent of getting blitzed by the time they leave the pool.
Splash sentencing: With a drinker, you’ll always have the element of surprise. They likely won’t be paying attention so you have many kinds of splashes at your disposal: the misdirecting splash, the double-teamed splash, the monkey in the middle splash and even the 180 degree dunk that puts both the floatee and his device under water for a few seconds.
The “sort of can swimmer”
We can’t all be Michael Phelps (and sometimes that’s a good thing). So there’s almost always a person at the pool who can’t really swim or just flat out doesn’t trust the water. When you guys decide to race to a toy or something, this person does some funky looking, and inadvertently erotic looking, stroke. They hate water in the face and seem to take FOREVER to dunk their entire body underwater. It’s hydrophobia and it probably seems irrational, right? Well it’s not. I’d classify myself as one of these people. So naturally, I can give the best advice of how to handle this particular kind of person.
Splash sentencing: Let them be. In fact, buy them a happy meal for even summoning the courage to go to the pool. Kidding. Some might say these people need to get splashed the most in order to get over the hydro hump. That’s probably true. But if I smack you in the eye with a lime green FunNoodle, don’t say that you weren’t forewarned.