All college guys have the same problem — the year ends and you move back home only to realize that the supply of fresh meat you were so used to seeing every weekend just isn’t there. You return home to find the same old town with the same old girls you’ve known since middle school. If you want to keep your sex life from going the way of Gary Coleman (too soon?), you’ll just have to accept that it’ll probably be someone you already know. Just be sure that no matter who you choose to hook up with, it is absolutely NOT one of these girls.
By now you’ve been home for a few weeks and if you’re on a dry run, the ex-booty call seems like the easiest thing to do. After all, you’ve both seen each other naked before, so it’s not really a big deal, right? Sure, it may seem harmless at first, especially if you’re both looking for a quick screw, but the side-effects of your little reunion will end up making things pretty awkward. If your relationship was like most, it didn’t end mutually; chances are someone got hurt. While you might not remember this when you meet her at “the spot” and she’s climbing into the back of your mini-van looking especially dolled up, things will start getting awkward as soon as you stop thinking with your second brain and start recalling your history together. Remember, there’s a reason you guys stopped doing this sort of thing in the first place.
4. Best Friend’s Sister
I know, I know, she’s really grown up a lot in the past year. And when did she start wearing makeup? She looks a hell of a lot better than I rememb…no. Stop it. You’ve known your buddy basically your whole life, which means you’ve known his sister basically her whole life. Sure, she’s really grown into that tank top, but remember how annoying she used to be? All you wanted to do was play a few quick rounds of Super Smash Bros. after dinner and she would run around in her footie pajamas making noises and yelling incoherently. As a general rule of thumb, you should never sleep with anyone who you’ve seen in footie pajamas no matter how much time has passed. It’s just too creepy. Besides, your best friend would probably really hate you for it. Although that really goes without saying.
3. Sister’s Best Friend
The nice thing about sisters is that they’re always bringing girls around. The downside? You’re not allowed to touch these girls…unless you want to get in trouble. Yes, there’s no better way to ruin the relationship you have with every member of your family than hooking up with your sister’s best friend. She’s going to hate you for it because girls are weird and get upset about trivial things like when their brothers bone their friends, and then she’ll complain to your parents who will hate you either because they agree with her or because you brought all this drama into the house now will you please leave us alone so we can finish making dinner.
It’s a well-known fact that the workplace is one of most miserable environments ever created by mankind. Why? Who knows. It’s probably the law. The one redeeming factor of work is that you sometimes get to look at cute girls wander around and daydream about bringing them back to the office after happy hour on Friday to have terribly illegal drunken conference room table sex. Sound exciting? Of course it does. That’s why you daydream about it. Too bad THE MAN doesn’t want this sort of thing to happen, which means if you get caught with your pants down (literally) you’re definitely going to get fired. Many major companies forbid inter-office romances because productivity is more profitable than constant flirting and sneaking off to the handicapped bathroom for a quickie. Even if you don’t get caught in the act, word will spread pretty quickly. Unless you’ve got some extra cash to fund your job search, you should probably avoid the co-worker hook up.
1. Mrs. Anyone
In general, it’s probably not a good idea to hook up with anyone married (girls with boyfriends are fair game). We can all agree that (some) MILFs are totally hot, but it’s hard to have a fling with a married woman without doing a ridiculous amount of sneaking around. For one, she’s got a husband who expects her to end up in his bed every night. Secondly, if she wants to live up to her MILF title, she’s got some kids to look after. That means you’re looking at anywhere from 2 to 35 (if your target is Angelina Jolie) people to avoid. Isn’t all that sneaking around just too much work? Go find a nice single girl. You can save the sneaking for when you’re married yourself.