Having a girl over to watch a movie — it really is an ancient knob on the door leading into the ecstasy of sex. I can’t exactly say for a fact that 100% of you have watched a movie with a chick in order to get your stick wet; however, I am willing to claim that 99% of you have. And about 99% of the times that I have had a chick over to watch a movie I have at least gotten something. A cliché strategy? Sure it is. But why fix it when it ain’t broke?
Unfortunately, that 1% of the times that my balls ended up feeling blue, most likely I had just picked the wrong movie to watch with her. I’m guessing that, with the exception of the S & M freaks, most of you do not enjoy blue balls. Therefore, here is a list of ten movies that will do anything but blue your balls. In fact, they will most likely get you laid.
1. Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000) – A dumb girl will do for this one. She’ll do just fine. Dude, Where’s My Car? is so damn dumb that even a chick as mindless as this film will be checking her watch twenty minutes into the movie. And you want the girl to be bored enough to need a little something (scratch that, a big something hopefully) to occupy her. You want the kind of girl who goes for a ride when she is bored. You want the kind of girl who is looking for an excuse to splice sex cells, so…dude, where’s my porn star?
2. Bound (1996)– You’ve heard of The Wachowski Brothers, right? Yes, you have. They wrote and directed The Matrix and its sequels. Well, have you ever seen the movie that they did before The Matrix? Bound is it. And this is the kind of film that you need to watch when you are attempting to score a threesome. Jennifer Tilly (Liar, Liar) and Gina Gershon (Face/Off) share an unbelievably hot lesbian sex scene in Bound. And, I am telling you, there is no girl in the world who would not want to be number three in that dyke duo. So, heed my words. Get two females together, watch Bound, and make yourself that number three.
3. Interview With the Vampire (1994) – Did you know that a vampire biting the neck was originally intended as a metaphor for giving head? Enough said.
4. Borat (2006) – I have no idea why but Borat once worked for me. Seriously. After that borderline sex scene with Borat and Azamat, one would think a girl’s snatch would be arid enough for a sandstorm. A dry desert. Apparently not. Maybe it’s because laughter is an aphrodisiac. Or, just maybe, for some reason every girl’s vagina hangs like sleave of wizard after watching Borat. Very nice!
5. Avatar (2009) – No, the Na’vi love scene in Avatar is not hot. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. I’m here to talk about money. Lots and lots of money. James Cameron’s Avatar is now the highest grossing film of all time (domestically and internationally). So, after watching Avatar with a girl, express your inner film critic. Tell her what worked in the movie and why what worked in Avatar led it to a worldwide gross of almost $3 billion at the box office. Consequentially, she’ll know why one day your name will follow the words “a film by.” She’ll know that you will be the next director to count his hundreds of millions…and his hundreds of women. That will give her some initiative.
6. Eyes Wide Shut (1999) – I don’t have any angles to suggest for using this movie as a lubricant. No subtext. No puns. Nothing elaborate. Eyes Wide Shut is one of those films that will get you laid simply because of the sheer amount of hot, steamy sex in the movie. There are far too many insanely hot people inside of other insanely hot people in this film for the sex not to be contagious. Having sex after watching this film is like you’re jumping off a bridge just because someone else does it too. But you’re falling into a vagina instead of water.
7. The Graduate (1967) – This is a fun one. And you need a hot girl to watch this movie with. The hot ones almost always have the lowest self-esteem. And young, hot girls absolutely hate cougars. Why? Because they know that young guys have a thing for hot, older women. It’s on every one of our bucket lists, ladies. Therefore, make sure you throw out some crude comments about the original cougar Mrs. Robinson to get the girl jealous. By the end of the movie the girl will feel absolutely obligated to sleep with you…because she knows that her mom could pop your milf cherry first.
8. Requiem for A Dream (2000) – Yes, this is an odd choice. Far too disturbing a film to be an aphrodisiac? Not exactly. This strategy is probably the most shallow of the list but it could certainly work. Requiem for A Dream is by far one of the most disturbing films that I have ever seen. It’s depressing. But the girl will be far too turned off by drugs at the end of this movie to pop a Xanax for the depression. So what’s another great remedy for a girl’s depression? A cock, of course.
9. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003) – Girls like celebrities. Girls really like Johnny Depp. They love Captain Jack Sparrow. Fortunately, on the screen Mr. Depp is out of their reach so she’ll just have to settle for you. Hey, getting laid is getting laid. Forget the reason why.
10. Mulholland Drive (2001) – Like Bound, this movie has a ridiculously hot lesbian sex scene in it. I’m willing to bet several women have gone lesbo after watching Mulholland Drive. Nonetheless, the most important thing about this movie that makes it an aphrodisiac is its dreamlike quality. It is the closest that a movie has ever come to being an ecstasy trip. And what does ecstasy produce first and foremost? Uncontrollable horniness.