12 Jobs You’ll Do Better While Stoned
Common knowledge tells us that smoking weed while trying to do anything “productive” is a fool’s errand – the two just don’t mix. And if you’re a lawyer, airline pilot, large crane operator or brain surgeon, that’s probably true. But for many of us, with far less intense jobs, marijuana can actually help you do your job better! Here are the 12 jobs where weed actually acts as a performance-enhancing drug.
1. Zamboni Driver
The Good Sh!t: Unlike driving a car or a truck, driving a Zamboni while stoned is relatively safe. Since you’re already driving slowly, pot’s effect on your reaction time is basically a non-issue. And since all the job entails is driving around in a damn circle, you’re going to need something to take the edge off the repetitive nature.
The Buzz Kill: Besides the fact that operating heavy equipment while intoxicated is probably highly illegal, the only thing we could come up with as a downside to a Zamboni driver smoking weed is a possible to tendency to just want to make figure-8s in the ice. And really, who gives a sh*t about that?
The Good Sh!t: Every landscaper or we’ve ever met is a huge pot smoker. Why? Because nothing goes better with mowing grass than smoking grass. The sweet high allows you to really get into your work in a way that’s impossible without a little herbal help.
The Buzz Kill: Get a little too into trimming the hedges, and you’ll end up with a bare branches, and some very pissed-off customers.
3. Video Editor
The Good Sh!t: After hours upon monotonous hours of looking at the same footage thousands of times, after tweaking frames and playing with shot-to-shot relationship, it becomes insanely difficult to see the effects of what’s in the cut versus what you’re seeing in your head. Smoking allows you to cut through with fresh eyes, and see the project in a new and valuable light.
The Buzz Kill: When dealing with massive amounts of footage and the sheer complexity of editing itself, you’ll probably get confused and f**k something up, somewhere. But if all you’re making is another Keyboard Cat video, something tells us you can pull it off.
4. AT&T Customer Service Representative
The Good Sh!t: Since all you have to remember is a simple script, with handy phrases like, “No, you can’t speak to a supervisor,” or “I am the supervisor,” or “I’m sorry, sir, but that’s AT&T policy,” you shouldn’t have much trouble getting away with a smoke-fueled workday. And since everyone who calls you is probably in a murderous rage at the appallingly bad service they’re getting, being high will definitely help take the edge off.
The Buzz Kill: Getting a call from a particularly nasty individual could certainly put a damper on your buzz. But if you get a call from someone who’s also high, you’ll end up on the phone for hours talking about the superiority of Thundercats. (Not good.)
5. Country Club Golf Pro
The Good Sh!t: Spending your days outside, enjoying the weather, riding around in golf carts and helping people improve their back-swing is already an awesomely cushy job. But grab a few drags from your one-hitter, and it will seem like God himself handed you the keys to the best life ever.
The Buzz Kill: At some point, you’re going to run into some rich punkass that sucks at golfing, and you’ll be forced to actually engage in a conversation that could seriously screw-up your groove.
6. Musician / Sound Engineer
The Good Sh!t: Like most things, music is always better while high. You can feel it more, man. Just listen to that bass line!
So whether you’re writing it, playing it or mixing it, any job that centralizes around listening to music is going to be done better if you’re high. In fact, the higher your are, the better.
The Buzz Kill: I can’t really think of any direct negatives to smoking weed on this job. Although, I suppose you could add too much cowbell…
The Good Sh!t: What’s more fun to do while high than run around and act like a goofball in front of tens of thousands of people? Especially since you’re completely anonymous, and there’s nothing about the job that requires you to interact with anyone like a normal human being. (Not to mention the killer hot box you’d have in that giant head.)
The Buzz Kill: All the jumping around would be seriously difficult if you’ve smoked yourself lazy, so you might have to add a small bump of coke in there to even things out. Ok, maybe just a 5-hour Energy…
8. Pot Dealer
The Good Sh!t: This one’s simple and obvious: To be a good pot dealer, you have to know your product. And the only way to know your product is to smoke it, constantly. That way you can let your customers know which strain to get for the kind of high they’re looking for. Plus, you became a pot dealer for a reason. And it probably has something to do with being able to smoke weed all day. Just a hunch…
The Buzz Kill: Unless your customers come to you, there’s a good chance you’re going to be late to deliver the goods anytime someone calls you up for a few grams, which is annoying (but mainly for the customer). And when you do get there, you probably forgot to bring the right bag, which then adds a few more hours to the entire transaction.
9. Writer / Artist
The Good Sh!t: Damn near everyone with a creative job smokes a massive amount of weed. That’s because marijuana opens up your creative mind in ways that sober thinking never can. Suddenly, your jokes are funnier, your prose more engaging, your photos framed better and your paintings more colorful, rich and deep.
The Buzz Kill: While it’s true that smoking can definitely help bring your creative endeavors to life, it can also make you think something’s a great idea, when in reality, it’s almost as brilliant as a Glenn Beck monologue.
The Good Sh!t: Not only does smoking weed make you hungry, it makes even sh!tty food taste amazingly delicious. So when someone with the skills and palate required to be a good chef starts cooking up concoctions after a healthy pull on their bong, everything is going to come out amazing. Add to that the boost in creativity, and you’ll be whipping up the best veal parmigiana on the face of the Earth.
The Buzz Kill: Smoke too much, and you’ll never remember to take that cake out of the oven in time. Fail that, and you’ll not be a chef for very long…
11. Video Game Tester
The Good Sh!t: On the list of awesome things to do while stoned, right next to listening to music, is playing video games. So mashing buttons for a living and smoking weed go hand-in-hand. Plus, since most of the people playing the game you’re testing are going to play it with a joint in their mouths, it’s really the only responsible course of action.
The Buzz Kill: Turns out, being a video game tester is actually really hard and tedious, with lots of reports to file to the company about glitches, bugs, what works, what doesn’t. And if there’s one thing that doesn’t go well with smoking weed, it’s reports to you.
12. Any Job
The Good Sh!t: OK, so maybe pot won’t make you better at “any” job, but it will sure as hell make it a lot more interesting, no matter what your position.
The Buzz Kill: This does not apply to any job that involves children’s safety, flying an airplane or actually giving a sh!t. (Joke, it’s a joke…)