How To Take Your Sexting To The Next Level

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If you’ve watched MTV recently, you’ve probably noticed a series of public service announcements from an organization called, “A Thin Line” urging teens to think before they “sext” or “cyberbully.” The message behind the PSAs is clear: there’s a thin line between him or her and the whole school.

Here’s the sexting PSA:

And here’s the cyberbullying PSA:

Apparently, irresponsible texting can do some serious damage to the adolescent psyche and reputation or as “A Thin Line” puts it, “digital harassment can last forever.” Considering I can’t remember last week, I have no qualms about getting buck nude while tattooing some scrawny pushover. Despite my stubborn ways, it’s no surprise that I’m in the minority as even LG got in on the act of condemning your God given right to recklessly text with a series of spots. This funny commercial with a serious message features James Lipton encouraging a gym class hero to “give it a ponder” before sexting his junk to a young lady friend.

So, now that you know sexting is completely wrong, unethical, immoral, and pretty much a national pandemic, here’s how you master its finer nuances!

1. Know Your Audience
Have you had sex with the girl you’re sexting? If so, did you try anything other missionary and did it last more than 1 minute? If you answered yes to these questions, you can unleash the hounds. Let the guns blaze. If you’ve only engaged in heavy petting, you need to verbally walk her through the next step, not explain how deep you’ll anally penetrate her.

This road only leads out

2. Only Sext Women of Age
I’ve fallen victim to this before. She says she’s 18 but how can you be sure? Wait for her to go to the bathroom, root through her purse and find her REAL I.D. She’s only 17? Not worth it. Oh, she’s an underage version of Megan Fox meets Minka Kelly meets Mila Kunis? Then use a lot of double entendre – that should hold up in court. You don’t want to end up like this guy. Come to think of it, if you’re going to sext teens, don’t look like this guy.

Don't Sext Underage Girls

Don't look like this guy.

3. Don’t Show Your Cards (Or your other “Goods) Too Early -Or Better Never.

Listen again – Or better yet, never at all! The rule of internet pictures is that if you might regret it in a hundred years or less NEVER – EVER let someone else have access to it!   Which makes sending Pics an entirely new level of sexting. When words fail to capture just how sexually pumped you are, you  . . .well . . .feel the need to literally show just how pumped you really are. Women generally don’t like this stuff.  They like puppies, pumpernickel, and petunias. You’re more likely to cash in on a booty text with a pic of a puppy than of your pumped up nickel incher.  Let’s be honest, the male genitalia isn’t pretty; only 1 in 1 million has that graceful curvature, flawless complexion, and overwhelming presence to really bring a chick to her knees [Editors Note:  That was really gay – sorry.]

4. Don’t Get All Dennis Miller On ‘Em

Keep the humor to a minimum, Seinfeld [Editors note: Hey! Same with with homosexuality Lance.] If you absolutely feel the need to crack a joke, don’t get too deep. You should only give in to the urge if she sets you up for it and it should be painfully obvious she intentionally set you up for it. Don’t be disappointed if it’s not lol funny, besides, laughing kills the moment. The comedy should only lead to indoor sports – preferably extremely naked ones that involve a friend of hers . . .or three.

5. The Devil Is In the Details
Anyone can sext, “I want your boobies.” Not everyone knows about the birthmark in the shape of a shamrock under the nipple on her left breast. When you get into the nitty gritty with a lil biddy, she feels special because, hooray, you remembered! Ladies love memory – how many times have you been out at a bar and she asks, “What’s my name?” It’s a night killer if you draw a blank, they act like you dipped their butt plug in hot sauce. On the flip side, if you get too detailed, she might think you’re psychotic – wait a month or five before revealing your insatiable desire to lick her three-haired right pinky toe because it’s 5 mm smaller (and thus cuter) than the four-haired left.

6. Practice Makes Perfect

As with any other venture the more you do it the better you’ll be. This writer believes it will even help you when you drop the phones and go to bone – your dirty talk will benefit exponentially. You’ll have plenty of girls willing to participate in sexting, they actually prefer sexting over the real thing. Proof there is no God.

What do you have to lose? Your clean criminal record and your anal virginity? You only live once, dude. Now get to sextin’!

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