The one-night stand. It’s a staple on college campuses all around the world and can easily be an ambitious student’s single greatest accomplishment — or the epitome of embarrassment. The one-night stand, even when fueled by copious amounts of alcohol, can be a beautiful thing so it’s only natural that we would do anything we can to preserve its sanctity. While it’s inevitably an awkward experience in and of itself, there are ways to make sure that the awkwardness of a one-night stand stay at tolerable levels. Here are ten foolproof ways to impress your one-night stand so much that she’ll never look at you and be overcome with a sense of nausea, regret, and embarrassment.
As a guy, it doesn’t get much worse than having a ready and willing hottie ready and waiting for you and all you can do is flash one of those “I’m so sorry” looks. The one-night stand is a delicate animal and too much booze can ruin your one shot of getting a girl to do things that she’ll probably regret tomorrow. You don’t have to be sober, be buzzed — hell be hammered if the occasion calls for it — but don’t be blackout. Theres a 50/50 shot that you might actually want to remember what it is that’s about to happen between the sheets that night.
“What’s that smell” should never be a phrase uttered pre-coitus, or during any romantic moment for that matter, so make sure you get you inner eighth-grader on and step your hygiene game up. Now “hygiene” and “college” don’t necessarily go hand in hand (and it’s especially hard to keep things Kosher while beer guzzling, party hopping, and participating in numerous other illegal activities) but it’s the little things that count. Gum is a must and never be afraid to tidy up whatever you have to in the bathroom before getting down. It’s not weird, it’s common courtesy.
Whips and chains might get you going, but they’ve got no place in a one-night stand. It’s kind of like a bad teen comedy where the guy is extra-amped and that the girl from the frat party wants to take him home but once he gets there she’s got a torture wheel, a big spiky dildo, and no lube. I’d run too. Save the freaky stuff for a serious relationship, there are definitely people out there ready and willing to lick your boots while you tighten the nipple claps. Please don’t harm the unassuming girl or the girl just looking to get some.
A one-night stand is not the time to pretend you’re Lexington Steel or Jenna Jameson. Being creative and being too ambitious are two separate entities entirely. While most people will enjoy a signature move (maybe nibbling the ear or something special with the tongue), keep it simple because odds are you’ll never hook up again. What they won’t want is trying to do it reverse cowgirl while hanging over the balcony and trying to capture your misguided antics on camera. Keep it smooth, keep it simple.
I’ll admit I’ve become quite the texting whore over the years, but never could I imagine doing it during sex. I feel like that’s kind of like a doctor watching ESPN while doing invasive surgery. It’s an intensely important act so it’s probably good to devote your full attention to it. And seriously how much sex are you having that you would waste valuable time texting a buddy.
Since we’re talking about communication, it’s important to note that too much dirty talk can be a huge turn-off. While I think it’s hot that you have so many creative ways to tell me just how badly you want me, it stops being hot when you start telling I’m a dirty slut or when you start conversing about all the degrading things you want to do to me. If a scenario needs more than two or three dirty words to describe what you want, maybe you should save that one for your diary. Stick to the classics please.
You know that scene in Knocked Up when Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl share an especially awkward breakfast after doing the dirty the night before? Yeah, don’t do that. Get in, do your thing, get out. It’s a one night stand, not a one-night stand and talk about your feelings. It’s kind of like practicing to be a Navy Seal, just treat it like a covert operation.
This One’s For The Boys
Okay, so it’s the morning (or if you follow my Navy Seals game plan, 10 minutes after you’re done) and you need to get dressed. Now, while I believe that if you’re going to have sex you absolutely should be comfortable with your body, there is something that no man in is right mind should do: DO NOT BEND OVER IN FRONT OF A WOMAN. It’s gross, it’s awkward, it’s not a good look men. Girls can sometimes get away with it but for males it’s like a live action shot of the worst angle in porn. For the love of God spare her the emotional scaring and eventual vomiting that comes with getting a glimpse of “the angle”.
Um Yeah, don’t do this either…Don’t take a dump. There really isn’t much to say about this…let’s move on before things get weird.
Don’t high-five afterward. You’re doing an adult act, so find an adult way to express your gratitude for a good romp. A simple “Oh man, that was great!” might suffice. You aren’t MVP of the Super Bowl, you didn’t just tell a good joke, and there’s a good chance that you aren’t forsaken to only be able to communicate through intimate hand to hand contact so find a better use for your digits. A high five after will all but seal the deal that you won’t be coming back for seconds.