5 Ways to Tell If Your Girl’s a “Keeper”

By Edit Posted in College, Culture, Daily Features, News-ish

Is the girl you’re currently dating a keeper, or should she fall into the catch-and-release category? Is she Suburban Housewife material, or would you be embarrassed to be seen with her in a back alley? If you’re on the fence about the situation, here are five easy ways to tell if she’s worth holding onto:

1. She offers to be your designated driver. First and foremost, when was the last time you offered to be her DD? When it comes to designated driving, use the rule of three: if you offer to drive her drunk ass around three times, and she doesn’t offer once, you might want to dump her.

Everyone knows about the car door scene in A Bronx Tale. This DD test is the modern-day equivalent to that scene (since everyone driving a respectable vehicle has remote-controlled locks, unless you’re riding around in an ’85 Honda it’s just not possible). Still, the lesson remains the same. If she offers to DD you and your drunk buddies to the club, she’s probably worth having around. If she doesn’t, she’s a selfish beyotch and you should consider yourself lucky to have recognized that early on.

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2. You used her razor to shave your “fellas”; she found the leftover evidence and then didn’t make a big deal about it. Sometimes you forget to bring your razor with you into the shower, and hers is conveniently (and enticingly) there. Plus, the moisturizing strip on her razor looks brand new! Your boys deserve the best, and there the best is, right next to the pink loofah and Body Shop shower gel, practically begging you to give it a try.

You tried to be sneaky about it, but you left some of the telltale signs: the short, curly hairs that entwined themselves around the blades in a way that a Niagra Falls strength showerhead couldn’t rinse out. She found them, and confronted you.

This is where you need to pay attention, because her reaction speaks volumes about what kind of person she is. Without exception, girls are really grossed out by stuff like this. If she laughingly scolds you, tells you how nasty it was to find the burlap from your sack on her brand new Venus blade and then forgives you, she’s not a high maintenance chick who will freak out at every attention-grabbing opportunity.

On the other hand, if she totally freaks out, throws the razor at you and starts crying… Well, you know what to do.  Dumpsville, Population: Her.

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3. She’s sexually adventurous. For a relationship to work long-term, there has to be some kind of sexual spark. Sure, gazing into each other’s eyes while slowly making love in the missionary position can be amazing…for a couple of months. Eventually, you’re going to want to change things up a little.

When it comes to the sexual stuff, it’s all about compatibility. If you’re into S&M and she’s “All Vanilla- All The Time”, you’re going to have problems down the road. Sure, you can work with her a bit, but there’s only so far that rubber band is going to stretch.  Like Paul Simon and the Muppets say, “Hop on the Bus Gus”

Now, I’m not suggesting that you marry a girl whose idea of foreplay involves you and three of your best friends, but there’s a happy medium to be found somewhere in between the two extremes. If your girl isn’t afraid to let her freak flag fly, and you’re both into the same things in the bedroom, you might want to think twice before sending her on her way.

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4. She makes about as much money as you do. If your girl is all about the Benjamins, but hasn’t earned a paycheck of her own since you’ve known her, you might want to reassess her worthiness. If she’s not willing to get a job while she’s young and has few obligations, she definitely won’t want work 9-5 after squeezing out a couple of kids.

Besides the obvious monetary benefits of your girlfriend making money, her willingness to be a productive member of society tells you that she’s ambitious and self-sufficient (two qualities your mom will love, by the way). If she doesn’t have a job, but still wants Tiffany boxes under her Christmas tree and two vacations a year, you better be pulling in some serious cash.

In this economy (what, you mean you just got laid off from your cushy $42k-a-year job?), taking care of yourself can be hard enough. Add a leech to the equation (even if she has a nice rack!), and you’ll only run into trouble. Let her be part somebody else’s bankruptcy proceedings.  So long, farewell . . .and if you get six of your buddies and break up with her like this you’re awesome.

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5. You really like her friends. Not like, like, of course. Get your mind out of the gutter, perv.

Take an objective look at her friends. Do you like them? Acne, sixth toes and other physical deformities aside, are they the kind of girls that you’d hook your buddies up with? In the end, the old saying is frighteningly true: you really are the company you keep. If your girlfriend’s friends are the type of broads who could carry their own MTV reality show, run the other way. Fast.

Sure, constant drama can keep things interesting, but so can meaningful conversations, new sexual positions and international travel. If the only places her friends vacation are the free clinic, the drunk tank and the beds of nameless frat boys, you might want to reassess your relationship.

So, did your girl make the cut? Do you have your own failsafe methods of weeding out the good girls from the bad? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section. If it’s clever enough, we might just feature it in our next list!

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