10 Celebrities Who Would Kick Your Ass At Beer Pong

By Edit Posted in Booze + Food, Culture

Ah Beer Pong, the king of sports!  Requiring skill, luck and downright awesomeness, it is more manly than football, MMA and Wii Sports combined.  Sure it only takes a minute to learn but a lifetime to master(I‘m still waiting for my call up to the big leagues).  Issue a challenge for a game and who knows who you’ll end up playing, the football team, the math team, the A-team.  That’s right, celebrities play beer pong too, and here’s a list of famous booze hounds you don’t wanna be going toe to toe with.

10). Danny DeVito

Ten years ago I wouldn’t have given the little guy a look in, but since becoming a regular cast member on ‘It’s always sunny in Philadelphia’ double D has become something of a renaissance man and someone to be feared on the beer pong circuit.  Rumoured to have a wicked looping shot (a rumour started by me, just now) laugh at him at your peril.  In the past 3 years I have seen the man known as DeVito drunk more times than sober, I guess that’s what happens when your married to Carla Tortelli(that’s a bit cruel, in real life Rhea Pearlman’s a sweetheart!).  One can only describe him as the John Stockton of the beer pong world.

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9).  Mel Gibson

Oh Melanie, you make it so easy,  no matter what you do from now on you will always be known for that moment, and what better time to bring it up than when his new movie is close to release.  All kidding aside, Mel has all the right attributes to kick your ass at beer pong.  For a start he grew up in Australia, where beer is practically a religion, in fact I’m pretty sure babies are breastfed on Fosters in Oz(that’s a lie, no one drinks Fosters down there because it takes like watery piss, Crocodile Dundee, you lied to us!).  Secondly, if his movies have taught us anything, Mel isn’t a quitter, and in this writer’s humble opinion, Mel coming back for a game of beer pong would be like Jack Nickalus playing the masters, LT in the Superbowl or Ali in the heavyweight title fight.  Heroes never die, and in the immortal words over Martin Riggs, he’s ‘not too old for this sh*t’.  Finally, this guy was Mad Max, Payback,  he plays for keeps!

Two ladies of questionable morals Mel won during his last game of beer pong

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8). Tara Reid

The token chick on my top ten, except there’s nothing token about this lil lady.  Who would’ve thought when we saw ‘American Pie’ all those years ago that Miss Reid would turn out to be the trashy one?  Not me that’s for sure(Shannon Elizabeth well done for keeping most of your dignity).  No stranger to a kegger, or pretty much anywhere there‘s an open bottle of alcohol, she is bound to know her way around a beer pong table(amongst other things, zing!).  Even if you do come close to beating her, Reid has one big trick up her sleeve, her complete and utter lack of shame. Imagine trying to concentrate if she starts showing you the goods, whether you‘re completely disgusted by the numerous surgeries, or have a first class ticket to bonersville, it will put you off.  Whatever it takes Miss Reid, whatever it takes.

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7).  Charlie Sheen

Another one on the comeback trail, star of reality TV series ‘Two and a half men’ and beer pong MVP 1989-1996, Sheen is a legend who retired,  only to magically reappear over the Christmas period(this is me not touching that subject with a barge pole).  Sheen’s stellar heritage(he‘s got irish in the blood), accompanied with his ‘been there, done that’ life gurantee him greatness when it comes to the pong.  So the next time you’re at a party and you hear ‘oh shit it’s Sheen!’ run, run hard and run fast.  That or threaten to tell his dad.(Pappa Sheen will take the belt to him, just ask Emilio Estevez)

 

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6). Gary Busey

The Hannibal Lecter of the beer pong.  He’s kept in a cage surrounded by armed guards 24-7 until somebody at a party(usually by a drunk freshman) issues these fatal words ‘I could beat Gary Busey at beer pong’.  He wheeled to the table, and only when everyone else is clear of the room he’s released from his restraints, the it’s just you and Busey baby.  What happens next is a display of pure insanity mixed with brilliance, quoting you Shakespeare and Edgar Allen Poe while you get pwned, surgically taking apart every bit of your game until you’re a jibbering mess on the floor.  Just another victim to the Busey.

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5). John Daly

Long John Daly, this guy is the Butterbean of beer pong, he will just pound you into submission.  For god sake just look at the guy, that body is the definition of a professional athlete.  Let’s face it, Daly only took up golf because he needed something to do in between games of beer pong and its was the closest thing he could get to it.  He’s the kinda guy who will p*ss in your mouth when you pass out after losing a game to him so the next morning when you wake up you know you have been Daly-nated(Trademark pending).

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4). Scott Hall

‘The Bad Guy’ Razor Ramon, who knew that when he was actually playing the bad guy it was an improvement on his real life personality.  We’ve seen what he does to people when he’s drunk and it‘s not pretty, just watch any of his wrestling matches, ever.  Can you imagine the fear while standing waiting for your next opponent at the beer pong table and the music hits, the crowd goes wild when Hall comes out, wearing his plum smugglers and waistcoat with gold draped round his neck?  I’d drop a deuce right then and there!  If this guy can wrestle drunk, he can sure as hell play beer pong drunk, and just if by luck you are about to beat him, outta nowhere comes Kevin Nash and smacks you upside the head with a chair.  Or how about this, your playing a doubles match and your partner screws you over and joins Hall‘s team.  Yeah somebody get me the number for the WWE, I have some ideas I need to run past them.

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3). Alex Trebek

Oh sure, you look at this picture and you’re bound to think you could take this square down to funkytown, but as momma always said, never judge a book by it’s cover.  Trebek will simply mind f*ck you into submission.  Before you know it, that friendly game of beer pong has turned into a full out general knowledge quiz aimed directly at you.  Imagine it:  taking your turn while everyone is watching you, sweat dripping from your brow, swaying back and forth trying to regain composure, Trebek’s eyeballing the sh*t out out of you, his tie wrapped round his head like Rambo, he mouths the words ’punk ass b*itch’, and then just at the point you are about to let the ball go he says  ‘If this species of hybrid’s parents were reversed, you’d get a hinny’.  GAME OVER MAN, GAME OVER!  Goddamn you Trebek.

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2). Keifer Sutherland

If Jack Bauer puts his hand up when you ask ‘does anyone want a game of beer pong’ you may as well just go home and go to bed because if you don’t, you are entering a world of pain, plain and simple.  This guy can go all day and all night, literally!  Oh yeah, you can laugh, you can have some fun when you play, but you won’t see him smiling.  Oh no, this is far more than a game to Captain America, this is real life damnit!  Rumor has it that the Chinese kidnapped Sutherland because he was just too damn good at beer pong, that or it was part of a storyline for the TV series 24, if you want to believe FOX that is.  If it was me, I’d rather be tortured than play him in a game of beer pong, and god help anyone who says anything un-American while playing him.

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1). The 43rd President of the United States George W. Bush

That’s right, the king swinging d*ck of beer pong is none other than one of the good ol’ boys.  This man’s entire life has been built around beer and the pursuit of good times.  I’m pretty sure he turned the Roosevelt room into a party palace for the entire two terms of his presidency, complete with his own beer pong table with the Presidential seal on it.  Dub-ya will kick your ass, taunt you all game long, flip you the bird, French your girl finger your dog and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it, because if you so much as give him a dirty look his secret service agents will F you right in the A.  It could be worse though, number 2 on my list could be waiting to play the winner, try saying something to W. then, you’ll have a car battery attached to your nuts quicker than you can say democracy!

So there you have it, a complete run down of the celebrities who could kick your ass at beer pong, you have been warned!

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