I must not be adventurous enough…or maybe I’m just not lucky enough to know anyone who is prepared to take kinky to whole new level. Then again, maybe I’m speaking too soon. I did once know someone who made his girlfriend hold his junk when he took a leak. While there’s no name for the firefighter-esque peeing routine, there are names out there are all the weird fetishes you thought existed in only in your dreams. After a lot of Google searching (hint: turn safe search off), I’ve discovered the 10 weirdest fetishes in the world.
1. Autoandrophilia - This weird fetish is defined as “the arousal by a biological female imagining herself as a male.” I don’t know if the definition of this fetish implies a chick dressing up as a dude or literally just imaging herself with a stem. She’s literally just pretending that her twin Mount St. Helen’s have been sanded into the Great Plains and her southern Grand Canyon has morphed into the Arabian Peninsula. I scratch my head wondering, can a man who hooks up with an autoandrophiliac be considered gay?
2. Formicophilia – Pleasure derived from having insects crawl all over your body. I mean, I guess that I can see somebody becoming aroused when they are tickled, which might be a bit similar to this fetish. But honestly, who shoots their shit after an army of creepy crawlers tiptoes all over them? Well, I guess molesting an ant is better than using a magnifying glass to roast it alive.
3. Chremastistophilia - The arousal when being robbed or held up. This one could be useful to have in any major city. A burglar rolls up and pulls a gun on you. He yells, “Hands up!” Instead, you just start spanking it and yelling at him “Yeah you steal that money! TAKE IT!! AHHH!!!” The burglar realizes that you’re the one that actually has the balls to shoot and he just takes off empty-handed. It’s a win-win situation for you. You end up getting your fix and keeping your money. The lesson: if a person pulls a gun on you, just start jerking off.
4. Lactophilia - This fetish is the arousal from breast milk. Now do lactophiliacs care what the nozzle is when they’re getting their fix? Does it have to be a real lactic rack or can it just be a baby bottle full of breast milk? Regardless, at least the lactophiliacs are getting enough calcium in their diet. One less thing to worry about.
5. Pyrophilia - Fire! This isn’t pyromania. This is a fetish where one can actually jet their joy juice at the sight of fire or fire-starting activity. Can you imagine this? Someone is screaming, “BURN BABY BURN!!!” as they finish themselves off. Here’s an idea: gather millions of pyrophiliacs from around the world, dangle them from a bunch of helicopters over a forest fire, and let them all just spank it silly. That’ll lay the flames to rest. Conserve water. Go green. Spank out a fire.
6. Nasophilia - A fetish for the nose. The attraction can be to a specific shape of nose, a certain part of the nose (for example, the nostrils or the bridge), the act of penetrating the nostrils, or even trans-species variations of the nose (for example, a human with a bear’s nose). I’ve deduced that there is one sure thing about a male nasophiliac: they are not at all well-endowed…you’ve got to have a laughably small cock to bang a nostril. And, well, I guess that I can see the masturbatory value in nasophilia. If you jack your nose off hard enough, eventually you’ll have to blow it! Wow that was lame…
7. Apotemnophilia - This is the fetish for having an amputation. I pity those who suffer from this one because eventually they’re going to run out of limbs to amputate. Eventually it’ll come down to their cock as being the only thing left to give the axe. Also, surgeons
beware, god forbid that you ever have to amputate an apotemnophiliac’s limb because their blood may not be the only bodily fluid spraying all over the place.
8. Teratophilia - A carnal craving for deformed or monstrous people, teratophilia isn’t a fetish that should be scoffed at. Why? Teratophilia is affirmative action! Shame on the rest of us for having standards. I encourage the teratophiliacs to fire up the sex life of every piece of monster meat that they can…well, except for burn victims because they’ve clearly had enough heat in their lives. Plus, if the teratophiliacs keep the monsters occupied then maybe our children’s closets (and the confessional booths) will be a much safer place.
9. Dacryphilia - The fetish to witness a person tearing up and crying. This one is actually quite disturbing because of its close relationship to sadism. Dacryphilia is typically associated with males who intimidate others into crying as a form of submission, which gives the causative a psychological feeling of superiority. Additionally, dacryphilia even implies a sexual arousal while experiencing one’s own tears! Therefore, dacryphiliacs should avoid restaurants because a) people propose marriage at restaurants b) men break-up with their girlfriends at restaurants, and c) restaurants tend to cook a lot of onions.
10. Ursusagalmatophilia - Teddy bears. Yes, ursusagalmatophilia is the fetish for teddy bears. I’m not exactly sure what the sex appeal of a teddy bear is…well, actually, I guess that I can see a teddy bear’s resemblance to a vagina. They’re warm, fuzzy, and the only place that they are of any use is in bed.